Disinterested…

I’m blah. You’ve noticed. I’m trying really hard to get back on the bandwagon. I want to be happy, perky, fun and laughing, but it ebbs and flows.

I swear I feel like i’m running from one thing or another all the time. It’s anxiety one week, back pain the next, depression glaring at me from the corner just waiting for something so it can pounce.

I watched Dateline last week and it had the guy who had to cut off his arm to get out of the canyon. He was starting to see things…because he had no water. It came down to the amount of water he had left. His body couldn’t stabilize heat and cold if he didn’t have water. He kept talking about the need for water. I have water. I have running water in 3 rooms of my house. I even have access to water in the front yard and in the back. With all this water; why am I not okay?
Now i’m obsessed with drinking water.
I’m certain that if I drink enough I might be okay.
If I ever get caught in a canyon in Utah I have enough water stored in my hips to keep me for at least a good 2 weeks.

After that, send help.

I’m hating Tom Cruise right now too. I feel guilty everytime I take a Xanax. I think, “Well, it’s not like i’ve even tried to take a vitamin and walk a little.”

Is there such a thing as a ‘happy pill’? I want the ‘get your shit together so you’re not freaked out all the time’ pill. I would totally buy those.

I’m feeling disinterested.

A long time ago it seemed like I kept getting the question, “How you doing?” and I always said, “I’m hanging in there.”
I think that might have been code for, “I’m actually slipping into a deep depression and you might want to hide sharp objects.”
No one heard me. They just heard, “i’m hanging in there.”
I swore after I got better that I would never say that again. I swore that if someone asked me how I was doing I would be honest. I would say, “FUCKING FANTABULOUS.” or “I’m not doing so well today.”

As of late…I’m just hanging in there.