The last 13th of the year

I had a relapse this weekend. I could feel it coming on Saturday, but I had obligations and I wanted to be sure to make them so I powered through.  I got home early and started to feel the chills and fever start in. By late Saturday night I was back in the throes of pain and feeling very scared that this was it for me.  The thought of going back to the hospital was terrifying, even more so than actual death.  Yes, that sounds dramatic, but the last time I was feeling like this and had my ex husband take me to the hospital it was hands down the worst experience of my life…and I have seen some shit.
I got a hold my primary and got him to send over more medicine with a promise of getting yet another CT scan when I was feeling better.
It’s Wednesday and at 4am the fever finally broke. The last few days has felt like a complete haze.  My coworker brought me my sicky soup yesterday and I am holding on to the belief that it was the Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup with Real Beef Broth in the red box that broke that fucking fever.  I mean, yes…it could be the antibiotics, but that’s only a 2% chance that is why.

My sister said she called me. I don’t remember that conversation at all. I had to go through my texts to make sure I didn’t text anyone and check my call list.  The last time they had me on this same pain killer I went all crazy Ambien-esque  and sent messages to people I had no right texting.  This time it seems like I was good.
My dog had been my tie to the living this week.  He has not left my side and during the bad parts of the night has woken me up by kissing my face. I am not sure I was having a bad dream or just whimpering.  When I woke up this morning he did the slow look up from his cuddled position at my stomach.  He must have been happy at what he saw because he sighed and put his head back down. This dog deserves a medal for being the goodest boy.

I missed therapy on Monday and feel the absence of it.  Even though I am feeling stronger mentally than I have in a long time, I am still struggling with a lot of things.  Even though I am happy with my choice of being alone as I work through things, falling ill made me question things like if I want to be alone forever which until getting sick the first time wasn’t something I questioned.  Being prepared for a lifetime of not having someone to depend on me or base their day on if I am having a good one or a bad one was something that I was truly ready for.  I have been on both sides of that burden and to put it down and go about this life without it sounded peaceful.
I’ve decided somewhere that if I ever feel reminiscent of time I wasn’t happy then I need to be somewhere else.
I’m being true to this and want to keep it as my goal for 2024.  I guess someone would say, “if the vibes were off…” but I think it’s more than that for me. If anything in my life feels familiar to a time, place or person I wasn’t happy with then I am going to respectfully back away.  Maybe I am still a little raw and everything is going to feel that way for awhile, but promising not to ignore those warning flags anymore is key.  In gaming a red flag is way to challenge a call. A moment to step back and look at the play and decide if it was right or wrong.  This is the year that I allow myself to step back from a situation without feeling bad about it, ask the questions of the people who are not in the middle of it and see if it’s worth continuing on.  Was the thing that was done or said that caused me to step back an over reaction or my bodies way of saying, “remember this? this doesn’t feel right. can we go? i’m not comfortable feeling this way.”
This time in my life I am ready to listen and not just blindly go where ‘love’ leads me.  Remember I struggle with not being able to differentiate between love and those first few months of lust.  I struggle with serotonin and dopamine and when I am being surrounded with large doses of it I think that I will never be happy if I don’t have them.  They do go away and I am left looking for those hits again and they aren’t there.  Giving all of me at first is my guarantee that I will also get all of someone and that’s not always the reality of life…or at least my life.  I’m more reserved now.  I don’t think I will ever really know… whatever.
Anyway, it’s the last 13th of the year and I am going be in bed with my dog watching horribly acted holiday movies.