The Winds of Change…
It’s too late in this life I am guessing, but in my next I want to study to expert level of Greek Mythology.
No, that’s not what I am writing about today. I have set some goals for myself because my brain decided to do this fun thing lately. I have been waking up at 5am every morning so I let the dog out to pee, make my coffee and then sit with myself for an hour and just let myself be in that paralysis of thought without distraction. Some days it’s an hour, but sometimes it’s only 45 minutes. Yesterday was brutal and it kicked my ass. Yesterday was like eating glass, but I made it through and asked myself the hard questions. “What do you want?” “Do you want that?” I am growing to hate those questions, but know at the end of this journey that those will be the questions that will save my life.
What do I want? Yesterday it was clarity about a conversation. Because I asked all the fucking questions and pulled the weeds away from them. “Why am I having any feelings about this one way or another?” The past, that’s why. In the past I would need to feel one way or another about a situation. I would have been mad. After I asked myself If I cared about the end result and then dissected THOSE questions I was able to revisit the conversation. My friend Lisa popped into my head and I reached out, “I do well with direct communication.” When she said that to me years ago when I was pussyfooting around a topic it woke up something in me. “Kristine, use your words.” and I have all the words!
Whenever I have an issue with someone I will always use my words and be direct. I only stop doing that when I am shut down over and over again. When I have become quiet it is because we have had this argument before and I expressed my thoughts and feelings about it and now we are here having it again and I don’t want to participate in it again. They did not listen the first time, the second time…ect. Now I will just sit there and have no input. I don’t play the same song over and over again because I am trying to say something, I fucking say it. I listen to the same song over and over because I have adhd and it’s scratching an itch in my brain and helping me turn things over…it’s a hyperfixation.
I want to carry this peace I’ve had since I cleared up a misunderstanding and the person listened, participated and expressed themself.
I want to shine a light into all the dark corners of the places that I don’t like about myself and figure out how to take the monsters hiding in those corners out and let them explain themselves so I don’t have to avoid those corners anymore.
If I could suggest one thing to people who are starting over is to use this alone time to really get real with yourself. It fucking SUCKS and hurts like hell. You’ll find yourself crying in the shower and not for someone else or a lost relationship, but for yourself.
There have been days where I beat myself up (for all my own reasons) and days where I let the inner dialog write the pages for my day and those pages are mean and paint me shitty bad. That’s where the healing is, those moments where you start to fight back and ask WHY…why do I feel like that and how did it get to that place? Take all blame away from anyone else and just sit with it.
Yesterday I healed a little bit. It’s a tiny victory in the big scheme of things, but it was a win.
Yesterday I didn’t drink from the river Lethe.