the missing.
Hozier’s new album finally dropped and I can take a moment to let Taylor sit down until and take a breath. She’s been busy keeping me sane the last year. In October when 1989 TV is released and the track vaults have me laying on the floor crying I will be in her clutches again. Until then, she can sit in my big comfortable chair and have some peppermint tea while I float around in the languid voice of Hozier.
This morning on the way to work I was listening to him and one word rolled through me. First.
Why only one word could make me sit further back in my seat and grip the steering wheel a bit harder, I don’t know. I wrapped myself around it and felt for the jagged edges and found them.
The past month I have been able to say to myself, “i don’t want that.” Things have slid into my path and I can take the time to examine it and say, “i don’t want this.” and I can move forward. What I haven’t done is sit with myself and answer the question of “What do I want?”
I think that is why the word got me. First. People’s firsts, not just my own. Those first butterflies when you are really into someone and you know you’re going to see them. That first kiss as awkward as it is, the first time someone reaches for your hand. Those are the moments I really love.
In my life, I have had many of those. The first time I had the electricity bolt of a hand brushing mine in passing of an object nearly brought me to my knees. I’ve read about in a thousand different books, but when it happens to you when so many times it had not…it takes your breath away. I never told him that had happened. Didn’t ask if that innocent act had shot electricity up his arm so rapidly it made his elbow sting too. I just thanked him and continued the conversation while I leaned against our office building for support. Whenever he had to hand me something I would make sure that our hands would briefly touch so I could drown in that spark. Knowing now all that would transpire I could have saved myself from all of that if I had just avoided his innocent touch of handing me a file. He could have just set it on my desk. No, I craved that feeling and I pushed everything that made sense aside just to feel it over and over again until my skin would burn just thinking about it.
That feeling though, it did eventually subside and like the greedy woman I had become I had to find a way to get it back. We went past the hand touches and flirtatious moments in the hallways of our offices. We took our two broken lives and made it into one very dysfunctional path together. We trauma bonded. (Sounds familiar right?) It lasted longer than it should.
I’ve never had that spark through touch since that time. It’s curious to me why it happened then and never since. Maybe it’s something I don’t want because I know it doesn’t signify that this is the person for me…and it will end eventually. Not all attractions are meant to last.
What do I want? What do I miss the most that will make me ever want to believe in it again for me?
I miss the thousand times a day that I would say, “I love you.” that I will miss. The way it would float from our lips when we would laugh at something silly that the boy did or the dogs did. It was our communication bond and there was never a time we said it that I didn’t believe it to be true. That I will miss.
I still say it all the time, now it’s just to the dog or an object I find a new place for in my apartment. That for now will be enough.
Do I miss touch? No, not yet.
Connection to another human? Absolutely.
I was at a friend’s place and I watched as the couples moved around each other during the party. As I sat outside the girlfriend of one of my friends said, “Do you want to see what brought me back?” She had moved away, but moved back to be with my friend. She handed me her phone and let me read the email that he had written her. My eyes clouded as I got to see a friend in a different light. He loved her and you could see the way he looked at her. Here this burly man was blushing as I looked at him and awwwwwwwwwwed him. It humbled me that they allowed me to see that deep side.
I watched as my best friend moved around his home with a watchful eye on his wife. She had been struggling health wise and he watched her as she moved from room to room. He took their son and took care so she could relax. She walked to him as he finally sat down and leaned into a gentle kiss as he rubbed her back and shoulders.
Her father and step mother as they told stories of how they got engaged made me smile.
The sadness of a wife missing her husband who passed away a year ago. She talks about that lifetime love she had with him and it doesn’t make me sad anymore because my ex once told me that even though I wouldn’t have that one singular love, I had a lifetime of many different loves. Thank you for giving me those words.
Of course there are things I love about love. The other day my old friend called me by a name I had not heard in years. Lou. It stings sometimes, but it makes me smile too.
I love getting texts from my daughter’s fiancé about how much he loves her. Watching them navigate through that first year of their relationship and how he wants to make sure she is safe and happy. That is the relationship story I will write someday. I’ll ghost write for her too.
I’m not sad at all when I am absorbing all the love around me in real life or in the books. I know I have had all of those things from some truly amazing people. I send them light and love when I think about them or the times we shared. Only wanting them to have the love they did not get from me for the lifetime they thought they would have it.
Right now I am enjoying the “i don’t want that.” and the learning of what ‘that‘ is.
“And all things endAll that we intend is scrawled in sandOr slips right through our handsAnd just knowingThat everything will endShould not change our plansWhen we begin again”
That’s a big ask though and that will keep me from the Begin Again part. I promised Shea and I will keep that promise.