Oprah taught me how to pole dance and walk like a stripper.

I very rarely watch Oprah. It’s not because I don’t like her or because I am too good for her…I just forget what time she comes on.

Last night I was laying in bed waiting for the news to come on when on one of the WB channels was Oprah. She was looking really excited about something.

“Finding your inner sex pot!”

Okay. I see make overs, hair extensions, trips to the underwear store to buy cool new britches.
I NEED to know what the weather is like tomorrow so I’ll just watch a little bit.

“You’re going to learn how to pole dance!”

Yep. I watched the whole show.

There is something about Oprah that really pisses me off. She has this uncanny ability to see into my closets, my underwear drawer, UNDER MY COVERS!

“I know you’re out there…in your frumpy pajamas..” Yes. She nailed that one.
“I know you’re wearing those old underwear! Those grannie panties!” bitch.
“I know that bra is worn out.” As I re-adjust the underwire from poking the left boob.

She showed this woman who wore sweaters that had pumpkins, ghosts, Christmas trees, hearts or whatever symbolized the last holiday. HA! at least i’m not THAT bad.

Then she showed a woman that only wore sweats and her hair in a pony tail. I’m THAT bad. I’m worse! I add toe socks and a pink robe!

The husband’s responses were priceless. They were overjoyed to see the woman they fell in love with. They NEEDED to see that woman again.

I got to thinking about how I was before I met Shaun.

So I have some questions for myself:

1. When did it get okay to wear sweats ALL day?
2. When did I slip into buying PINK sweats to match my robe?
3. Why hasn’t my sister shot me for letting my roots grow out this far?
4. How old is my face make up?

I’m attractive. THERE I SAID IT. BUT, I don’t feel attractive right now.
It starts with the hair. They ALWAYS start with the hair on these shows where they go from ‘frump to sexy’. Next is make up. Then they get new clothes.

So I have a few steps in between each of these…hair first. Kathy, fire up the bleach I’m coming up to see you.

Mom, I had a dream about a sports bra/tank top combo. I think I might need one of those because in order for me to buy new clothes I need to justify it. I have like 18 pairs of size ten jeans in my closet. It’s time to start walking and eating right.

Damn you Oprah! I WANT TO POLE DANCE! AND I BLAME IT ALL ON YOU!