Whoa. This last month has been incredibly difficult to get through.
When I got back from L.A. from shooting this wedding I fell into this really dark place in my head.
Everything was to overwhelming and I just couldn’t function. I mean, I did function. That is something I have learned I do. Get up and keep going. There wasn’t a single moment that I wasn’t silently chanting, “i can’t do this anymore. i can’t. it’s all just too much.” The stress of everything finally caught up with me and it ripped me open and pulled me to this place I hadn’t visited in so very long.
Within days I knew I couldn’t do this alone and I reached out for help from my doctor who basically told me I needed to lose weight and get a grip on my emotions. (just for the record, asshat…being overweight doesn’t instantly make people depressed.) I did demand that he send me to a specialist and get blood work done. This wasn’t my first rodeo with anxiety and depression. Ugh. I hate that I have to use the word ‘depression’ because that isn’t a word I would ever associate with myself. There are people in my life that fight that depression battle and what I was feeling doesn’t even come close to what they have to deal with. This was just a short term thing…or so I kept telling myself.
The specialist couldn’t help me. She was amazing though. FINALLY someone that might not have suffered what I was going through, but was sympathetic to where I was. As we finishing up our eval she sat back in her chair and said, “That was the first time in all the years that I have felt like I actually was talking to someone that wasn’t just here to get drugs.” It’s sad that she said that, but I know what kind of society we live in and for those of that need help can’t get it because of the abuse. She spent the next 20 minutes trying to locate someone that could help me and wrote my doctor a letter. Despite the letter, he refused to help.
I hate our health care system.
I’ve gotten back to hiking and during those times I seem to be able to get back to where I need to be. I got the new Garmin Vivoactive. It’s alright. There are some strange quarks that I need to figure out before the next outing.
I have tiny little wrists and it’s taking some getting use to having it on all the time.
This weekend is Western States 100 mile endurance run. I’m volunteering again this year. It will be weird not being at Foresthill, but I am glad I am getting the opportunity to get back out there and do this again!
I’m still working on my next installment of “SELF”. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and more aware of when someone uses the word ‘self’ or when I say “My” or “Myself”. It’s helping me through this place I am still in.