Random and Odd

just broken

after a few days of trying to hold it together i am ready to just let it all go.

It’s not something we talk about because…it’s just not what we do.  Everyone thinks I ‘overshare’ or I am some extrovert but the truth is, I was raised in a family with alcoholics and we are fiercely private about our lives.  Living in a small town growing up you know not to open your mouth and tell anyone your secrets.

holding it together is getting a little bit harder ever single day though.

We don’t let people see our weaknesses either. We never ask for help because that usually just comes back to haunt us…which it has twice in the past week.  I ask for advice and that information gets spread to someone who has a huge fucking mouth and is now spreading MY family secrets to people that have no right knowing.  The other time I ask for help…to be held after something very traumatic and It gets turned around on me that I should have known what I was getting into.  Never again will I ask for help.  Never again will someone see me weak and scared.

i’m holding it together for my kids. for my brothers and sister who are fighting this battle along side of me. the difference…they have someone they can turn to and cry and tell their secret fears and know their secret is safe.   me though…i’m holding this one in all by myself.  NO ONE will see these tears.
with every phone call and update I hold it together.  In the quiet hours I have to myself I don’t let my mind wander to the past when things were alright and we all use to laugh and think about what the future has in store for us…but sometimes it does and It takes my breath away and I weep.

 

I’m holding it together.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

2 Comments

  • Kelly

    Agree with Cricky.

    I have the same kind of dynamic in my family and I will only add that holding on to a “dark” secret only gives it power. When what is dark is made light and brought into the open– it’s much less powerful.

    I feel ya about allowing yourself to be vulnerable; I struggle with that as well for many different reasons. I have to ask myself when I find myself in the same type circumstance: “if you can’t be vulnerable with another person and are afraid, cautious or leery of the emotional intimacy with them…why are you allowing this person in your life?” Perhaps they simply are not worthy of you…