I have three girls now!
Picked up Kara at the airport at 10pm on Monday. I have been SO good about not hogging her. She stayed the first night with me and I did so good to not cry, but when I woke up to her beautiful face cuddling with her “binkie” (she couldn’t say ‘blanket’ when she was little) and I remembered picking out that binkie, putting her crib together and kept asking my growing belly to please just hurry up so we could get to know each other….I burst into tears.
Dan let her take the truck so she has been going here and there and everywhere. I don’t mind so much. I know my time with her is limited and once she gets all her hanging out with everyone out of the way I will get to talk to her…just us.
I’m happy that things are falling into place in my life and she doesn’t have to see the stressed out me (even though I am) or the totally despondent me. She’s got an exhausted me, but at least she’s not trying to pick up the peaces of her shattered mom.
We sat and talked a little and she’s happy for the changes in my life that are coming. I think. I hope. She’s scared of course because she remembers the disaster I was left with before and even though I held it together as gracefully as I could, she was the one that heard me crying out of complete fear of what was going to happen to the kids, the house, the van, our lives and not just once, but every single day for months until I finally just said, ‘fuck it, take the car, the house, take every thing…my kids are more important than anything you could destroy in my life and now that they are back, you can’t hurt me anymore’.
She saw the strength and I she learned from it…even though it scares me that she saw me so broken. Maybe she needed to see it though to see how far I have come and will continue to go.
We talked about marriage today. She’s so smart. I have no worries about how her life will turn out. She’s not a dumb-ass like her mom.
Oh, and for those of you that are keeping track of how old you are by reading this blog: Alyx is getting her permit to drive next week.
Yes, you are really THAT old.
:)