I went to Folsom Powerhouse building last weekend and I had been there before and remembered that those steps made for a great shot with amazing lighting.
When I got home I found the original picture and was shocked when I saw the difference. Not the physical difference, but in my eyes. You can truly see how unhappy I was. I didn’t realize it at the time. I think I had convinced myself that I was happy or this was about as good as it was going to get. I remember I laughed a lot back then, but overall…not happy. I was just content and remembering thinking, ‘if this is as good as it gets, I should just be as happy. This is the bed I made.’
That day I remember we did some walking and if I remember correctly I got winded coming back up from the river. This trip out I was only out there so I could get Dan back to running. We had to stay in town because he was on call so I picked Folsom since it had a river we could run along. Honestly, I thought it was going to be like riding a bike. He would get out there and outrun me. Instead he was struggling and generally pulling a Kristine with the excuses department. When I told him where our destination part was and was running in front of him he was struggling to breath. He can usually run past the point in the distance for us to run to, but this time he actually stopped before the point while I kept going.
The 2006 picture seems like just yesterday sometimes. That hurt and damaged woman was struggling so hard to keep it together and come up with a plan to survive. I thank her for the ability to be able to know that no matter what happens I will have the will to survive, but I want to bitch slap her for staying in a place she wasn’t happy for so long.
No, I want to do more than bitch slap her, I want to kick the living shit out of her!
Things I learned from 2009 Kristine:
1. it’s not okay to just be content with someone. You need to love someone so much it makes your pee pee tingle every time you think about that person.
2. it’s not okay for ‘date night’ to be photographing someone wedding.
3. grabbing of the boob and saying, ‘miss you’ isn’t foreplay and it certainly doesn’t make up for the lack of intimacy throughout the rest of the day, week or month.
4. being unhappy because you think it’s for the greater good for children not to have to go through a hard time is fucking stupid. I will NEVER allow my kids to see me somewhere I am not happy.
5. don’t sign your house over to anyone. ever. for any reason.
Things I wish the 2012 Kristine could have told the 2009 Kristine.
1. Go hiking.
2. Stop saying, “I only run if I am being chased.” it’s not witty, it’s not funny and you probably wouldn’t have ran even if you were being chased down by a guy with a sharp knife.
3. Read between the lines when Tabitha is talking. She is trying to tell you, “yeah, you dumb bitch…if only you knew.”
4. Remember Dec. 31 2003 ? You will keep finding that shit for the next 5 years…you swore if it happened again you would walk. You didn’t walk. Dumb bitch, next time WALK if you are being disrespected.
5. Travel more, floss, stop secretly crying in the shower, you can’t save him, stop trading in your happiness, your kids will love you even if you fail, your will hurt will go away and you’ll find happiness only you can create…back up your hard drive of pictures.
It’s weird revisiting a place in your head and heart and vividly remembering the sick to my stomach pain and misery, but not even really even remembering the person that caused so much of it. I think that came from forgiving him and myself for letting it define who I was, for allowing depression from being unhappy control me.
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” -Obama
3 responses to “what 6 years will do for a smile.”
i ridiculously needed this. thank you
Dear Kris…you are such a powerful friend. To have been able to to survive was just the beginning to be able to find the THRIVE was the mystery. And nowwwwwww to be able to pursue your sincere link to the trail of happieness is God’s way of saying You made it…..here, come this way and allow me to blesssssss you! You are a blessing to others and God doesnt ignore that. I hope that no matter what you KNOW my days or nights of calling you a bitch are long gone. You are a diamond my dear. One that shines for the rest of us. One that encourages us when we cant get past a lame excuse with you. Your a motivator, and the cutest thing ever when you get a new prizzze in the mail.
Jessie…….I understand. Only at times of remembering how far we have come are we allowed to look back at teh road we were on. Press on, keep moving forward and settle for NOTHING!!!!!!
I love you both in the most profound way! Thank you for being role models!
That’s not Jessie Goose, Tab.
I know…I mean more on the whole, “i’m his wife NOW to the person he is NOW” and not taking in all the things you two had been through and the things you had to deal with. Sometimes I wish you would have told me all the gory details…but I also know that I wouldn’t have really believed you. The woman he described on a daily basis isn’t the woman I know now.
I would have thought that what you were saying was all lies, because it was too easy to believe all that he said. … or maybe I was just wanted to believe SOMETHING he said.
LOVE YOU TOO! Off to check the mail!!!