40th….
We are nearing the actual birthday day and I’m happy, but kind of sad because I miss Kara.
For the last 19 years I have given up my birthday so Kara could have a good one. My ex friend Nancy threw me a wonderful 30th birthday party where my family showed up, I was surrounded by friends and it was stress free and fun. The last couple of years I had thought of all the things I would do for my 40th birthday and as it got near I realized all I wanted was to have my friends and family near me.
Now as it gets even closer I realize I would give up my birthday if I could just have Kara here surrounded by her friends and family.
It’s a huge hole without Kara here and Christmas was nice, but she was missed. It’s getting to the point where it’s hard to talk about her with the girls because they miss her so much and we have no idea when she’s coming back, if she ever will. I was sad for so long when she moved and then I realized that hurt wasn’t going to go away until she came back so I decided to not hurt anymore, but in the process I feel like I have lost her.
I know things change and people go away. My life has been a huge example of just that. The only thing that I have to hold on to is that I know that happens and no matter what you do or how hard you try to hold on…it might happen regardless so just enjoy the time you have.
I’ve learned to not base your whole world around another person, be it your child or spouse…because when your child grows up and leaves,…what are you left with? A life you have to figure out how to navigate through that isn’t based on what they are doing or when do you pick them up after their drama class?
*sigh* I miss my daughter, though.