We are nearing the actual birthday day and I’m happy, but kind of sad because I miss Kara.
For the last 19 years I have given up my birthday so Kara could have a good one. My ex friend Nancy threw me a wonderful 30th birthday party where my family showed up, I was surrounded by friends and it was stress free and fun. The last couple of years I had thought of all the things I would do for my 40th birthday and as it got near I realized all I wanted was to have my friends and family near me.
Now as it gets even closer I realize I would give up my birthday if I could just have Kara here surrounded by her friends and family.
It’s a huge hole without Kara here and Christmas was nice, but she was missed. It’s getting to the point where it’s hard to talk about her with the girls because they miss her so much and we have no idea when she’s coming back, if she ever will. I was sad for so long when she moved and then I realized that hurt wasn’t going to go away until she came back so I decided to not hurt anymore, but in the process I feel like I have lost her.
I know things change and people go away. My life has been a huge example of just that. The only thing that I have to hold on to is that I know that happens and no matter what you do or how hard you try to hold on…it might happen regardless so just enjoy the time you have.
I’ve learned to not base your whole world around another person, be it your child or spouse…because when your child grows up and leaves,…what are you left with? A life you have to figure out how to navigate through that isn’t based on what they are doing or when do you pick them up after their drama class?
*sigh* I miss my daughter, though.
6 responses to “40th….”
Things change, people move on and grow, all you can do is control what you do in reaction. Sorry.
Sending you BIG HUGS or as my nieces call them “Wonderfully big Aunt Karen hugs.”
LOL!
I’m not quite sure if the big is referring to me or the hugs.
:)
Thanks Joe and Karen.
:)
This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me.
My son is getting ready to ‘fly’ the nest in less than 2 weeks (10 days to be exact); he’s going into the Navy. I’ve intentionally and completely compartmentalized his leaving because it’s going to simply be a huge hole when he leaves to follow his dreams, start and live his life on his own terms.
I too worry about when I’ll see him again. I know that when (or if) he comes back home we’ll all be a little older and move a little slower; he will miss his brother ‘growing up;’ some will be born and some will die. ‘Home’ for all of us simply will not be the same again. I know very well that life is about change and you raise your children to fly but it doesn’t negate the feeling that you are losing an integral part of who you’ve been for the past 19 years. As a single parent (his Dad has not been involved in our child’s life by choice), I feel like I’ve spent most of my ‘time’ simply treading water trying to simply “survive.”
You said something really important in your post that my mother has said often: do not base your whole world on another person (kids in this context). I guess while I’ve “heard” it and I understand it, I’ve not applied it. To your point, the pride and excitement that I have for him is also mixed with the ‘grief’ that I have about him leaving home. I think you’ve beautifully stated this: but now I’m left with figuring “out how to navigate through that isn’t based on what they are doing or when do you pick them up…”
Much like the quote from Bridges of Madison County:
You don’t understand, no-one does. When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you’re expected move again only you don’t remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself.
God, that quote is simply just right on.