Fucktard…
Last night was one of those nights I needed to have. It’s one of those nights while you are living it, you know you’re healing a part of you life you knew was broken…and you can see it for the beauty it is.
I’ve told the story about Mary a million times on here. For those that have been following me here or all the way back at Just Keeton– you know Mary. This post isn’t about Mary, but about how I never stop learning from her.
Yesterday she brought me her two beautiful children, who a time loved like my very own. Christopher, oh sweet lordy I missed that face of his. He’s all grown up, but I still see that adorable little shit head with the big heart and infectious giggle. Abby, what a sassy, little smart ass that one is…but such a beautiful young woman and when she stops to hear your words and receive them, when she opens her mouth and expresses her heart…it’s amazing to watch.
It felt like parts of the night was like the ball under the shell game. I was here, then here, then over there…catching up with each one of them individually and able to hear stories of heartbreak and also stories that included laughing so hard I made Abby cry. Chris though, I needed to talk to him and I needed to know he was going to be okay because him and I connected many years ago and I use to call him the son I didn’t get to have. It was hard to watch from afar this young boy self destruct. He has that light in his eyes right now. He knows he’s smart, he knows he has a long road, and I pray that he sees how many people in his life love him and didn’t turn their backs on him. His mother is his number one cheerleader, and I am hers right now.
Lester came over because how in the world could he miss the opportunity to meet Mary? He couldn’t. They have been facebook friends for awhile now and she is actually now friends with one of his friends that I’m friends with too. I told him, “I swear to God, she’s not the spacecase you read on facebook.” He wasn’t convinced, “She’s a fucktard that can’t string a thought together to save her life.” Buuuuut, she’s kinda cute and I spoke so highly of her, how could he not come over?
We laid in bed together with his head buried in my neck, “I like your friend. She’s actually very cool and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to like her, but I do. You can tell her that too.” He struggled with the last part. He fell asleep and I bounded downstairs to tell Mary. She has the most genuine smile and her eyes got all teary as she said she was so happy to hear that. Not because she likes him, because he loves me so much and she loves me that much too.
Christopher and my daughter Shea hit it off well and he felt he needed to give her some words of “brotherly” wisdom. It was cute watching him and her together and at one point he realized that there was a man sitting in my living room with the girls. “Uh, is that guy your ex husband?” I said yes and the amazement he had was visible across his face. “that’s really cool. It’s not very often you get to see that.” You could see that it was something he wanted in his life. It’s hard to explain WHY it’s okay for my life to be like the way it is, but I have come to the conclution that it’s me. I’m the common denominator in all of this and if I can take the blame for the crap in my life, for fucks sake I am going to take credit for the good too. It felt good to have my boyfriend shooting the shit with my ex husband and friend. It felt good to know that my kids don’t have to hear shit talked about me (other than what Dan does when he’s being a dumbassmotherfucker) and my kids don’t have to hear me say horrible mean things about their dad…except when I call him a dumbassmotherfucker, but he’s usually sitting across from me when I say it and he just laughs and comes up with something as stupid)
My greatest hope for Dan is that he meets someone that gets ‘us’…that they understand how very, vitally important it is that our children know that mom and dad love each other. We disagree, we parent differently, he’s a dumb ass and I’m totally awesome. But we do care for each other and the well being of the other person.
I hope for all of us invoved (my boyfriend, my best friend who happens to be my second ex husband’s first wife, the kids, our trail running adventures) he doesn’t fall for someone who is petty, mean, jealous and insecure…or if he does that he does it after the kids are old enough to tell that person to go fuck themselves.
So that brings me around to where I am right now and my lesson learned from Mary. We were at the store and talking about the time in our lives that we weren’t talking and I would say something and she would reply, “I know. I remember that. “ She smiles and said, “I was always following you…” She was talking about Random and Odd. She would talk about pictures that I had taken in the 9 years we didn’t talk, “I love that picture of Jeremiah with the curls…” and she knows everyone I talk about. “I wanted to be there during Blog This! I went around calling my friends Hooker Ass Bitches after that!” She is amazed at the road that Tabitha and I have been on and how when it finally came together how truly tremendous friendship it is.
Mary never let go and it was out of love that she followed me. She watched from afar hoping sometimes that I might stumble and fall and when I did she hoped I would get back up and be okay. She knew though, she knew that no matter what happened in my life that I would always be okay because I have a family that loves me so deeply. She is a part of that family and if you’re lucky enough to have my mother, sister, brother and father’s approval in my life you too are family.
For the first time in my life I am surrounded by ONLY the people that my family love and I am doing pretty darn good. My job is looking pretty damn bleak, but I’m seeing the positive in every single day and rolling with the changes. I am very, very, very happy with Lester. I feel like I have a life time of friendship with Tabitha to get moving on. My health is shaky, but I am not stuck in bed and if I was it would be okay because I know when I get better I will be right back out on the trails doing my thing.
And the lesson I learned with having Mary here…I have a voice, I have stories and there will be people in this world that want to see me fail, falter, slip, hurt…and they will, but they will also watch an amazing recovery filled with ups and downs. They are in this world, but not a part of my life. I’m not going to silence my story because of one person and the insecurities they have.
I read today, “Jealousy is counting someone elses blessings instead of your own.”
A-MEN. My advise…you have blessings and a lifetime full of them, start counting yours and screw what ever anyone else has to say!!
So no, there will not be a password on Random and Odd. If you don’t like what I have to say, KICK ROCKS and go away. There are 278 emails in my inbox waiting for the password to my past posts…and I don’t have the time or energy to try to find out of if all of those people are ‘real’. But maybe 277 of them are and they want to hear my stories and not get left out. Like Mary, they want to follow my journey…even if we aren’t friends. And yes, Mary…for the record it’s kinda creepy, but what in my life is normal? My boyfriend is an albino lumber jack, my closest friend shared a husband, I go running with my first ex husband and where Mary fits into this crazy world of mine, oh lordy lordy (Christopherism)
I’m back, bitches.