On a lighter note…
A couple of months ago I was paroosing the thift store when I found a pair of white pants. As a rule, I don’t wear white pants. Nothing good comes from wearing white pants. If you’re a woman and you wear white pants the odds of you starting your period increase by 78%. This includes women that have already gone through menopause or had their whole internal baby making organs removed.
There is something alluring about a pair of white pants. They make you look tanner than you are, unless you’re an albino, and in which case you’re screwed. They are also, despite contrary belief, very slimming.
When I pulled the white pants out, Kara looked at me like I was one purchase away from retarded.
“What do you think?” The look on her face should have been clue enough that the white pants should be put back on the hanger to await another 80’s throwback child to buy.
I bought them.
All the way back to house I was thinking about all the places I would wear my new, white pants. I could see a trip to the beach in the future. The pants paired with a big sweater and pair of flip flops.
Yes, the grand plans I had for the white pants. Maybe I could pair it with the Vegas shirt and go out on the town. Nice pair of sling backs and there would be no stopping me.
I raced upstairs and slid the pants up only to find that I could get them up, zip them up, button them up…but the Costco size muffin top would prohibit about 9 of the 10 ways I could wear these pants.
“Fuck!” I took them off and decided they would be my summer of 2011 goal. If I could lose some more weight we would still be able to make our trip to the beach! I even went a step further and decided these white pants paired with a bikini top, gauzy blouse, floppy hat and oversized glasses would be the ultimate goal. Game on, White Pants!
Every time I slide open my closet, there they were…staring at me. Sitting next to the dress I bought a couple years ago.
Tonight I decided rather than looking like a scrub for work tomorrow I would do something other women have been doing for years, plan out my wardrobe.
The White Pants waved a polite hello and I nodded back. Oh what the hell, I was feeling a bit self deprecating and what would a little humiliation hurt?
I grabbed the White Pants and as I remembered the legs felt fine going up, the zipper went up and the button cinched just fine. I walked to the mirror and to my utter disbelief; NO MUFFIN TOP! Not even a small Safeway sized muffin top!
Shea walked in as I was standing there with my jaw stretched all the way to the floor.
“NOOOOO!” I whined.
She looked at me confused. Then and there I did something I never thought I would be able to do with a pair of skinny jeans…I slid them off my hips without unbuttoning them.
I still have a hard time seeing the weight loss. I know I am losing because my clothes are mostly baggy and I keep buying extra large only to get home and try it on and it looks like I am wearing something from Mrs. Roper’s dresser.
The white pants that never got a chance to make it to the beach are now in a construction sized bag I have waiting to be taken to the goodwill store.
Kara will be so happy.