Till death do us part…and then some.

This weekend I went home to help my sister and sister in law in some cleaning of my aunt’s house.

Her home is a shrine of 50 plus years of love.  She has pictures on her walls of her grandkids who have since given her great grandkids. Her children as children. Her husband who left us many years ago.

In a box falling apart I found letters she wrote to her husband while he was in the air force.  His letters in return. I didn’t open them and peak inside, there was too much to do and nearly a hundred letters back and forth.  The front of one said, “to the love of my life forever and always.” and if that didn’t choke me up, I didn’t have a heart.  At the end of the second day of cleaning I found a piece of paper with a reminder to pick something up at the store for husband.  My heart broke and cried.
I wanted to wrap my arms around her home and absorb some of the love she has for everyone that has been a part of her life.  I wanted some of the love that she shared with her husband and best friend for so many years.
My sister saw the tears well up.
“I want someone to let me love them this much. I want someone to love me like this.” As I held up the scrap of paper and wiped away the tears that wouldn’t stop.
“What they had was something special, Kris.”

What happened with Shaun and I was heartbreaking because I lost my best friend.  My sister and I remembered some stories that didn’t involve some of the raunchy things he did, but how he could always make us laugh.  We laughed, A LOT.  It’s easy to forget all the times when all I can remember is what he did to the girls when he left.  Even though I have let go of that part of my life, it will be something I always carry with me and for that, someone else will have to pay the price.
Kathy and I sat and talked about what Auntie Shirley and Uncle Jim had and it was special because they didn’t have that baggage. They had a life time of being each others love, best friend, worst enemy, and person that no matter what would be there for the other.  They were lovers, they were husband and wife, they were parents and then they they spent the last years of his life dancing around each other with a lifetime of memories.
My aunt held on to all those memories and all that love and she never let go, even when things sucked ass. She was with him wherever they landed.

In the last year I have given 110% of my love, trust and friendship to someone, but a scrap of paper brought me to tears because I am so afraid of never being able to receive that level of love in my life, or ever believe that it is possible to give as much as my aunt STILL does.  My heart aches for that.
Through her, I have learned a lot about the mother I want to be.  The wife,( I never thought I would say that), I wish I could be.  If I could be half the woman she is, I will blessed beyond words…my children will know they are always loved and the man that is lucky enough to be the center of my love with always know he is the one and only person I want to spend time with…and even after he is gone, I will hold on to memo reminding me to pick up his prescription and stare longingly at a picture of him on my kitchen table that reads, “all my love forever.”

I love you aggie-naggie-poo-poo…thank you for reminding me what I should give in this life and what I deserve right back.