need some of something.

You know those days or nights when you feel a stirring inside of you begging to be recognized?

Through my short years on this earth, I have had many of those. In fact, at times, it feels like my whole life is a stirring.

“If I could just do this, it would make my life exactly right.”

Outside of becoming the Human Crash Test Dummy for all the walls I have hit on the path I thought was the right direction, I haven’t gotten where I need to be.

Need to be.  Why is it that I need to be anywhere than where I am right now?  Actually, I don’t. I am at the right place at the right time.  I’m just not the right person. I’m overweight, I’m anxiety ridden and I don’t know how to say, “No” and mean it.  I don’t know how to sit in silence with myself and breath. I don’t know how to thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I don’t know how to, DO.

Tyler, a senior in high school, decided he was going to sign up to be a counselor for camp.  He didn’t do it because all of his friends were going.  He didn’t do it to get extra credit or to look good on his college admissions.  He did it because he wanted to do it.  That easy. He wanted to do something outside of his normal, everyday life. He just signed up and did it.
He tried to get friends to sign up with him, but when they came up with excuses of why they couldn’t, he just shrugged it off and still went.

How many times in the past year alone have I thought of doing something and because I didn’t have someone to push me to do it (example: Ruka taking me to ballets or orchestras) or anyone interested in doing what I thought would be fun..that I just wrote it off?  Hundreds.  HUNDREDS of times I said, “Naw.”  Even tonight when Shaun asked if I wanted to go with him to walk the dog.  I DO. I DO WANT TO GO…but, no.  What is wrong with me?

Alyx said something today. (Remember she’s 10 years old) She said, “Britney lost her babies.  She’s probably going to die now.  I mean, if you’re a mother and you don’t have your children…what is your purpose?”

Okay, I had to step back from this for a second.  I couldn’t get on a soap box, because in her 10 year old head she was thinking ‘Britney’ and I’m thinking the WHOLE picture of things.  Did I want my daughter to grow thinking that your only purpose in life is your children? I did sort of raise them that way.   No. Of course I don’t want them thinking that…but do I want them to…?? I don’t know.  My best bet at the moment was to just shut up and figure it out later.  Which I haven’t.

Right now, as I type…Kara is talking about the colleges she is interested in.  At her age, college was he last thing I had on my mind.

So here I am, sitting on my bed…thinking about the things I need to do to get right with myself.

The things I NEED.

I need to be able to learn how to be quiet. DEMAND quiet from those around me.  I am surrounded by sound and I am tired of trying to escape it. I want to be in it and be able to control the chaos. I want true silence and be able to be thankful for it.

No more surprises in my life. From the small things from a knock at the door to the walls crashing in around me.  No more. I want to know where to find the scissors and how much pasta we have left in the cupboard.

I don’t need much. I don’t need to rock climb or be able to do back flips…but dear Lord, can I please touch my toes?  I don’t need to learn a new language, but can I make it through ONE post without spell check?  Can I grasp the English language and introduce new words everyday?

I can.

It’s going to start with saying ‘no’.  It’s going to start with saying, “Shhh.”  It’s going to start with being able to sit with myself and not think about the 5,000 things I should be doing outside of sitting there thinking about how to remain silent.

Alrighty with that said,  Raise your hand if you want to take one or more of my kids for the next year so I can do this?

Just kidding.  Send cookies.