Last night was a bad night for me. I have had all types of anxiety and panic attacks in various stages and degrees.
Most of the time, you wouldn’t know I am in the middle of the attack unless I told you. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting through them without looking at the person next to me and screaming at the top of my lungs that the world is going to end and in case of a water landing we better rip the seats out of the car and hope they float.
Shaun knows that every time we get into the car that it’s going to be a game of Russian Roulette. I might be totally fine or I might be like a cat trying to claw my way out through the headliner.
What is strange is there are some people where I get into the car and I am totally fine and have never had a problem with. It’s like my anxiety/panic disorder is selective to whom it will rear its ugly head to.
Last night I took my pills and climbed into bed. I turned on the TV and checked my email really quick. It usually takes me an hour or two to finally let myself fall asleep. At 2 am I thought, “Hmm, this is strange. I haven’t had ANY caffeine. I took my pills, the lights are off, no computer…what the hell?”
Then at 3 I thought for sure that my body would fall into an exhausted heap if I laid flat on my back and set my timer for 15 minutes. I have no “Forensic Files” to watch and I had changed my viewing from crime to old 70’s shows. How boring is “Three’s Company” when you need something to fall asleep to?
At 4 am I started my journey to the kitchen to see if a glass of milk would help. That’s when I had the most horrible of horrible panic attacks.
I had to talk myself through it because my whole body began to sweat and my fingers and toes started to tingle. I felt around in the cupboards in the dark (because Tabitha and the baby were asleep) and I couldn’t find anything except Jeremiah’s baby crackers.
I managed to find some Saltine crackers. In order to get the crackers down, water from the fridge and make it back to the bedroom I had to talk myself through it.
“Do not black out. you are fine. If you can just get the saltine crackers out of the cupboard everything will be fine. You got the crackers. see, everything is fine. no go to the fridge and get the water. Good girl. now walk back to the bedroom. once you get there everything will be perfect.”
I collapsed on my bed and stared at the corner of my closet door for 5 minutes trying to get rid of the tunnel vision and the tingling arms and legs.
That was the second worst attack I have ever had.
At 5 am when Shaun’s alarm went off I slid down under the covers and pretended to be asleep, because if he saw that I was still awake he would be worried about me.
At 5:30 I actually felt myself let go and fall asleep.
When I woke up this morning I felt everything was a giant dream and the ghost of the person I was before the attacks began to hit me was the person that was guiding me through last night. I vividly remember hearing right before I went to sleep, in my own voice, “It’s okay to go to sleep, everything is okay.”
Since I’m not dead and I don’t have a ghost of myself, I’m guessing it’s time to see a doctor…again.
20 responses to “If I had a Ghost, I would name her Sammy.”
It’s OK to hear your own voice, just not other voices.
Feel better soon!!
I’m doing alright now. Last night was tough. I don’t want to EVER deal with that again though.
If Three’s Company can’t knock you out, I don’t know what the doc can give you that will!
Today is a new day…a better day. Feel better soon.
I’m glad you’re feeling better.
I think going back to the doc is a good start. I won’t even begin to offer suggestions because I’m sure you’ve heard them all and done them all..twice.
I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight Kristine.
Dammit. Next time, turn on the Golf Channel. Or call me, and I’ll talk about my boobs.
I am sorry last night was so hard. But thank you for sharing. I have a friend who used to suffer such anxiety she could not drive and could only be at work, small 10 person company, or at home. I would help her through her attacks. Her’s also came with virtago. Blah. Blah to anxiety.
I hope the dr has some good advice.
I am not qualified to say this or anything, but talking yourself through it and something inside you recognizing your own voice as a competent authority to tell yourself its ok to go to sleep – sounds like a reasonable coping mechanism to me. I mean panic attacks suck, but it sounds like if you are in the middle of one, its a good strategy.
Thanks everyone. I guess you’re right about being able to talk myself through them. It reminded me so much having a baby. I kept telling myself ‘it’s almost over’.
I’m a Lamaze coach for anxiety attacks.
I am sorry you had a bad night. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to not be able to fall asleep and get a good night’s rest. I hope you’ll be better. You managed well.
I hear voices. Sometimes my own and others when I meditate. They really used to scare me. But they have never were mean more like answers. Really hard to explain. But I get it.
I agree, if those shows don’t knock you out, you’re screwed toots!
Seriously, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad :-(
I second the suggestion for the Golf Channel. My husband used to watch golf and I could go plop down on the couch next to him and be out in about 5 minutes. Must be those quiet announcer’s voices. And the peaceful grass and water and flowers….. OK now I need a nap.
When my anxiety was at it’s worst I could go to sleep but would wake up panicked about an hour later. I used to jump out of bed and run out the front door thinking there was no air in the house. I had to start making sure I was fully clothed before going to bed so that when I ran out of the house in the middle of the night I would be sure to have pants on. I had to talk myself down and back into the house everytime.
Sorry you are having a hard time with it. It always came in waves with me. Hopefully that will be the worse one you ever have and it will get better from here.
This sounds all too familiar to me.
Fortunately, you were able to talk yourself through the worst of it.
I only remember hyperventilating in the fetal position.
I have no advice for you but just wanted to say good for you for talking your way through it! Seems like the best thing you could have done at the time so go you!
wait….
you mean everyone DOESN’T do that shit?
oh crap.
now we have a problem.
: }
Heather, that was funny.
Kris,
Maybe it was your spirit guide telling you it’s ok to go to sleep. I have heard of such things. I hear voices sometimes, usuallly just saying “Hey” or calling my name. Very creepy. So,. ghost? spirit guide? all very interesting.
Sorry bout your panic attack. It almost sounds like your blood pressure mighta plunged. Maybe you got up too fast?
Maybe it was your blood sugar? Sure would be nice to know so it doesn’t happen again.
Loveya xoxoxox
Thanks again for the sheets ;)
I’m so sorry! I wish you didn’t have to go through this anymore.
I’m de-lurking to say “Brava!” for talking yourself through that awful anxiety attack. I have to do that too. I hope your doctor has something helpful for you. My saving grace was learning how to breathe deeply from the diaphragm and how to talk myself through. I know it sucks totally however you are doing a wonderful job.
Hey there – two things – one I am sure you have done this but have you had your blood sugar levels checked? What dashab said struck a note with me – I am diabetic and have anxiety and depression (what a cocktail of fun!). Whenver my blood sugar goes low I almost always feel as if I am having a panic attack – it is a little different than a panic attack otherwise but – often I just sit and stare and breathe feeling like I can;t do much more. Might be worth checking out – I am not saying you don’t have panic attacks just maybe some thing might be making them worse????
Also have you heard of CBT therapy for panic attacks – email me if you want more info.