Random and Odd

If I had a Ghost, I would name her Sammy.

Last night was a bad night for me. I have had all types of anxiety and panic attacks in various stages and degrees.

Most of the time, you wouldn’t know I am in the middle of the attack unless I told you. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting through them without looking at the person next to me and screaming at the top of my lungs that the world is going to end and in case of a water landing we better rip the seats out of the car and hope they float.

Shaun knows that every time we get into the car that it’s going to be a game of Russian Roulette. I might be totally fine or I might be like a cat trying to claw my way out through the headliner.
What is strange is there are some people where I get into the car and I am totally fine and have never had a problem with. It’s like my anxiety/panic disorder is selective to whom it will rear its ugly head to.

Last night I took my pills and climbed into bed. I turned on the TV and checked my email really quick. It usually takes me an hour or two to finally let myself fall asleep. At 2 am I thought, “Hmm, this is strange. I haven’t had ANY caffeine. I took my pills, the lights are off, no computer…what the hell?”
Then at 3 I thought for sure that my body would fall into an exhausted heap if I laid flat on my back and set my timer for 15 minutes. I have no “Forensic Files” to watch and I had changed my viewing from crime to old 70’s shows. How boring is “Three’s Company” when you need something to fall asleep to?

At 4 am I started my journey to the kitchen to see if a glass of milk would help. That’s when I had the most horrible of horrible panic attacks.
I had to talk myself through it because my whole body began to sweat and my fingers and toes started to tingle. I felt around in the cupboards in the dark (because Tabitha and the baby were asleep) and I couldn’t find anything except Jeremiah’s baby crackers.
I managed to find some Saltine crackers. In order to get the crackers down, water from the fridge and make it back to the bedroom I had to talk myself through it.

“Do not black out. you are fine. If you can just get the saltine crackers out of the cupboard everything will be fine. You got the crackers. see, everything is fine. no go to the fridge and get the water. Good girl. now walk back to the bedroom. once you get there everything will be perfect.”

I collapsed on my bed and stared at the corner of my closet door for 5 minutes trying to get rid of the tunnel vision and the tingling arms and legs.

That was the second worst attack I have ever had.

At 5 am when Shaun’s alarm went off I slid down under the covers and pretended to be asleep, because if he saw that I was still awake he would be worried about me.

At 5:30 I actually felt myself let go and fall asleep.

When I woke up this morning I felt everything was a giant dream and the ghost of the person I was before the attacks began to hit me was the person that was guiding me through last night. I vividly remember hearing right before I went to sleep, in my own voice, “It’s okay to go to sleep, everything is okay.”

Since I’m not dead and I don’t have a ghost of myself, I’m guessing it’s time to see a doctor…again.