My Chemical No-So Romance

After I had Shea, I went through some hard core depression. The doctors decided to put me on anti-depressants in hopes of clearing up the problem.  I took the prescription for a week before every single side effect listed hit me all at once.
I went back to the doctor and after being poked and tested they decided to put me on a patch of estrogen.  I did that for awhile and that seemed to do the trick.  I also had an affair, so It was either the patch or the affair.  The patch may have caused the affair. I never took the time to analyze that.
I took the medicine they gave me yesterday afternoon and I didn’t feel anything. I was hoping that some woodland animals would come out and greet me at the front door, but they didn’t.  I did get a serious case of the sleepies.  I logged online and I think I might have sent an email and I watched about 4 minutes of “Seconds From Disaster” before I fell asleep. Hard.

Today I woke up in a fantastic mood.  I managed to fall asleep before 3 am which, if you know me…is nearly impossible.

After dropping off my niece at school we headed out for lunch.  The car in front of us turned on his blinker, applied the brakes and slowly turned off the road onto another street.
“Kristine, you okay?”
“Huh?”
“That car in front of us used his brakes and turned and you didn’t hit the cieling.  My God, I think the medicine is working!”

See, a part of my anxiety that developed since the car accident is…well, being in a car.  The majority of the car-attacks happen if someone else is driving.  I do this thing where whenever car in front of us puts on his brakes I do the whole, “OMG WE ARE GOING TO PLOW INTO THE BACK OF THAT CAR!” jump up and put my hand on the ceiling and intake so much air, we have to roll down the windows to allow the rest of the people in the car air.
Shaun has found this a ‘cute little quirk’ I have, but the reality is that during this ‘cute little quirk’  I am, in my head, screaming, crying and freaking out.

To avoid the episodes I decided I shouldn’t ride with people. I should drive.  If I can’t drive then I find a way to stay home.  In my head, there is no safer place than in this house…it’s best I stay here.  The downfall is, my children need to go to school.  It’s been okay until a few months ago when I found that when I drive the car, instead of having those audible freak outs…my hands and feet get that ‘oh shit, i almost ran off the road’ tingle.  My hands and feet start tingling. My heart rate jumps up a bit.  I’ve actually learn to except that, it’s not so bad once you get use to it. It’s like drinking a Red Bull on empty stomach…or narrowly hitting a dog darting across the road.

I thought since I was on this medicine that everything was going to get better.  Today. has. been. hell.
On our way home after some shopping I freaked out when a car had the nerve to change lanes.  It was time to go home and take today’s dose.  As soon as I took it I could feel it making me sooooo sleepy.  Damn it.  I’m useless.  I decided to take a little nap and hope it wore off a bit.  I slept for an hour.  Now I feel numb.  I have felt numb for the last seven hours.  No happy. No sad. No anger. No anxiety.  Yeah, no anxiety…that should be my dream come true right? I’m down. I feel NOTHING.

I remembered exactly why I went back to the doctor the first time I tried this. It was for this exact feeling of nothingness.

Oh wait…I just felt something.  Frustration.