Remembering Why I am Here…

I wrote my step-son a message on MySpace today to let him know that he should delete me off his list.
It was one of those things I didn’t want, but I knew that if his mom knew that I was still on his list and she got nosey and went looking she would see me still on there and all shit would hit the fan. It’s not fair that he’s stuck in the middle of all this shit that should have been worked out 16 years ago.

He deleted me. I felt like my heart was tore out. It’s so damn frustrating because it’s not fair. I did NOTHING to that woman. 16 years ago I was just a damn kid that decided when Dan said, “I’m moving to Sacramento. I can’t handle that woman coming into my jobs and letting me hold my baby son and then calling me telling me that I have to leave you or I will never see my son again. I’m moving to Sacramento and you can come with me if you want.” that I should just go with him. I loved him, even though I had no idea what would be in store for us. Love conquers all right?

For the first year we didn’t hear from her. That was the deal he made with her. She told him to never call her or anything and he said, ‘okay’. Then one day she called 411 and when she couldn’t find his name in the phone listing, she tried mine. The phone was in my name and she called. She threatened me that If Dan didn’t call her back she was going to have him thrown in jail.
This was the start of many years of threats.

After a final threat he took her to court and got visitation rights. We were able to see Ryan every other weekend. On our court date she found out I was pregnant with Kara. She threw a fit and said, “OH GREAT, now I won’t get as much Child Support!”
Two months after Kara was born and I was spending a lot of time with my mother she tried to get Dan to meet her for a little romp in a hotel room.
This would also be the start of many indecent proposals.

During all of this I tried. I think she might have tried too. At one point we spoke as friends and could communicate nicely. I never knew what happened, but somewhere down the line she hated me again. It was around the time that we went to Hawaii and when we got back we started on our second child. By the time Shea was born she had such hatred for me that I wouldn’t even go with Dan to pick up Ryan because if she saw me in the car she would get angry and the stress level in Ryan’s world would peak.

I don’t remember the point when I finally grew up and stopped caring what she thought of me.
She would ask to see pictures of the girls and when I would take the picture out of the wallet and show her she would comment that it was a nice picture and then on our way home with Ryan she would call and say that I was rubbing it in her face that I have a Macy’s card in my wallet.
When Kara was born and we only had one car, Dan and I bought a used car from a friend where we could make payments…we had to lie to CAB about it because if she found out that we were spending any money, then all hell would break loose. We did this our whole marriage. She probably thinks my parents are loaded because we always used the excuse that my Mom and Dad were paying for it. I didn’t like to lie about it, but it was so much better then hearing about what a bad parent he was for not giving her every last cent of his paycheck.
Somewhere along the way I stopped trying to prove I was a grown up. I stopped caring that I looked right, acted right and said the right things to prove to her, to Dan, to the world that he made the right choice by ‘picking me and not her’.

When we split up, it was ugly between Dan and I. It didn’t last very long because it doesn’t take a degree in rocket science to see that it was making it harder on our girls. We rebuilt a NEW relationship, one that was more of a co-parenting relationship where we had to come to some degree of communication that doesn’t involve anything but the girls. When we figured that out, we also figured out that would could be friends and respect each other and the choices the other parent made.
Dan’s a dumb ass, we have established that. He’s also a dumb ass that I trust with my kids a 99 percent of the time. I trust him with Shaun’s kids.

This relationship that we have, She doesn’t have with him. She doesn’t understand that he can come over here anytime and take the kids. She doesn’t understand that either one of us would do whatever it took to make sure the other one was taken care of.
When something goes wrong, he calls ME. When he hears a funny joke, I’m the one he calls. What they have is; an exgirlfriend who wants him to come to his senses and marry her so they could be the happy family they should have been if I didn’t come into the picture. She goes to great lengths to prove to him that it would work out and the trip to LA was going to be the grand hoopla of all ‘family time’.

Now because I said ‘negative ghost rider’, she is going to an attorney to try to make sure that I am nowhere near Ryan. Through emails, IM, or in person. EVER. There will be no chance that Ryan will ever see me again.
What she doesn’t understand is, if these papers go through then Dan will have to swap weekends with me so the girls aren’t around either. Not because i’m a big ol’ meany, but on Saturdays he comes over and picks up the girls or drops one off. Every weekend is a birthday party, a BBQ, “oh I left my bathing suit at moms!” and half the weekends he is on call for work, which means that at anytime he has to bring the kids back over here to be watched for a few hours. Ryan can stay at the apartment, but the girls have to come home. Ryan likes to come over here because he can go hang out with Chelsea and Tyler.

Ryan won’t be able to see his sisters anymore if the papers she files actually go through. If he does, my new husband will have to be the ones to drop off MY kids at my Ex husband’s apartment and pick them up when he’s on call. It’s absurd, these papers she is filing to make sure I have no contact with HER son.

I know they won’t. I use to work for the Family law court and for a Family Law attorney. If I know anything, I know family law. (it’s one of those things I still keep reading up on, you never know when you might need to know the laws)

What’s sad is, I did nothing to her. I get along with my ex-husband and we EARNED each other’s respect as parents and because of that, my step son is going to be put through the ringer and I no longer have a chance to get to know the boy that is becoming a man. It was fun watching him show his real self through MySpace. I loved the way he could make me laugh with his stupid little bulletins.

I’m sad. It just seems so unfair.

I’m closing comments, because this is really just for me…to vent…to be sad…to be angry.