Freedom…at Last.

I instantly woke up this morning thinking about the beginning of my relationship with Shaun.

The times I would sleep over at his apartment, I would sneak out early the next morning. I would grab my things and get dressed in the living room as not to wake him up. Knowing what I know now about his sleeping habits I could have gotten dressed on his bed while singing Christina Aguilera’s version of “At Last” and he wouldn’t have woke up.

I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be there when he woke up. What if he woke up before me and thought, “What the hell?” or “Damn, I wish she wasn’t here.”
I blame this on my brothers and really bad movies i’ve seen with guys that are assholes.
So instead of getting the extra three hours of sleep, I would sneak out and drive home. Looking back, I kind of see how pathetic this was, but as it was happening I felt more impowered by getting the hell out.

He would always ask me what time I left, but never seemed too concerned about why I left. This didn’t bother me either. We had a nice little system going and I wasn’t going to ruin it by sticking around in the morning and ruining our relationship. It all hinged on me being out of that apartment before he woke up.

I was wrong, because we ended up breaking up. My next relationship didn’t have an apartment and I found him at MY house in the mornings. I would look over in the morning and think, “Why are you still here? Don’t you know the rules. GET OUT.” I probably told him that few times and he probably thought I was being cute.

When Shaun and I got back together 6 months later, things were different between us. He really seemed to be into me this go around. He had a look of gratitude and appreciation that I was around. He smiled and LOOKED at me more.
It creeped me out because I wasn’t use to THIS Shaun. I was use to the ‘devil may care’ guy I dated the last time.

After a date we were hanging out at his place when he asked me if I was going to stay over instead of driving home. I agreed and then he said something that scared the crap out of me. “And in the morning when we wake up, we can go do something.” There was a loophole for me, I could find if I thought hard enough…I could leave and then come back later when it was time to go…and he must have saw me thinking because he added, “and no sneaking out. I want to wake up with you. okay? promise?” There was no loophole I could find. I was going to wake up with this guy and we would find out what our relationship was going to be like for reals.
I think I woke up about 76 times through the night and knew I couldn’t leave. I must have worried myself so much that I slept in and we woke up at 10 in the morning. He smiled and we cuddled and then he said something that would make me love him for the rest of my life. “Want me to go get you a coffee from Starbucks?”
It made me wish I had all those ‘snuck out’ mornings back.
I woke up this morning and he was laying there like he has been for the last couple of years and I looked at him thinking, “This is the guy I’m going to wake up to for the rest of my life.”
I played with the freshly cut hair and looked for a couple of hairs that might be changing color. I rubbed his back and tickled his feet with mine. I wanted him to wake up and tell him what I was thinking. Over the years I found out one thing about Shaun, you can set off firecrackers under the bed and he won’t fully wake up.
So instead I came over to the computer and started writing. The computer is on his side of the bed and i’m right at face level with him while he’s sleeping.
Looking over at him while I remember and write, I’m smiling and he wakes up with a scowl on his face.

“hi honey.” I say sweetly.

“I think i’m going to throw up.”

Not as romantic as, ‘Let’s get you some coffee’…but I think i’ll keep him.

Happy 4th of July Everyone!!