opening up and bursting forth

Today was a day to dip my feet in the Pondering Pool. Much like when I read Wave of Modulation, I find myself reading the words and looking at the pictures and being touched and moved to places I don’t normally allow myself to go.

I can’t really go into deep how bad May sucked, but I believe it all happened for a reason. I walked outside today and decided that things in my life are going to change.
I swear, I am just going to call myself ‘Earl’. I have become a firm believer in Karma.
Because I did something bad, something bad happened to me. Because I went through something bad, I’m seeing the results of that.

Today I realized that it’s not a case of ‘being too late to start over’, but a EVERY SINGLE DAY part of ‘starting over’.

It’s not ‘too late’. It’s not to late to shed the person you were or a part of you that you don’t like. This is something that is happening if we like it or not. Shit is going to happen in your life to shine a light on a part of your life. When the part of us is DONE, by either destroying friendships, relationships or something good it’s going to come BURSTING through. That part of us is done and now I can sit here and say, “Well, that sucked.” or I can say, “Ahh. I see. I see that part of myself really needed to get out and now I can take it and tuck it back in or I can let it go and figure out what will fill that place with.”

There is this huge hole in my being. It’s open and it’s raw. I’m weighted down with everything that happened in May. Today when I walked outside and looked at my car I realized, ‘Everything that has happened in this last month is MINE. I’m taking responsiblity for it’ and I suddenly felt so much better.

There were some things that happened that I don’t own. That person in the truck that crashed into the back of me and then instead of owning up to what he did, he pulled away while I sat there in disbelief. I don’t own that. That ain’t mine, baby. There is a reason I haven’t said anything, but today…I owned what I need to do. That’s mine. That huge dent and missing taillight is MINE. I own that and I am not going to stress on how I was going to fix it the wrong way. I’m not. When I realized that, I could finally breath again.

Everything….all this stress that I had last month…MINE. I own up to it. If I would have done the things I needed to do to fix it, I wouldn’t have been able to wear my stress like a heavy necklace to show everyone. Poor me. NO, not poor me. I’m the dumbass that should have done what I KNEW I needed to do. I KNEW I had to do it.

I can breath today. I dipped my foot into the pondering pool and realized I need to just take off the necklaces, rings and ankle weights and say, “I own this. I don’t own that. This is mine. This is yours.”

Today I am free.