My Fellow Americans…

Shaun here, blognapping for a minute. The president getting in the way of my show pushed me into action. As the first ever president elected from the Random and Odd party, I’d like to outline my top ten goals for this term:

1. Every American will get one ‘Ousted Idol’ day off work per Fox season. You must submit your favorite to your boss by the top ten. If your Idol gets ousted, you get that Thursday off to grieve.

2. Gasoline prices are set and locked in by each gas station on January 1st every year, and must remain the same for the entire calendar year. If you’re the ARCO on one corner, you’d better bid one cent per gallon lower than the Chevron across the street. Let these guys make a few cents per gallon instead of screwing us.

3. I’m having a White House barbeque and inviting every world leader. Before I serve the burgers, I’m asking each of them if they’d like their country to be on our nice list or naughty list. The nice countries get our support and trade benefits. The naughty countries are not even recognized anymore. You can starve, you can get blown off the map, I don’t care because you chose the naughty list even after I invited you to my barbeque. That’s just rude. You explain that to your people. At next year’s barbeque, you’ll be begging to get in.

4. No more TV shows turned into movies, and no more remakes of old movies. The bad ones outnumber the good ones. You’ll have to actually be creative and write something new.

5. Wednesdays are Family Nights at EVERY restaurant, video store, and movie theater. These places must offer specials on these nights. Let them compete and offer better deals. Give parents a break ONE night a week.

6. Let any single American adult marry any other single American adult. I don’t care about their sexual orientation any more than I care about their skin color or musical preference(rap fans will still be unable to marry country-western fans, of course). Marriage, to the government, is a legally binding relationship. If gays can get home loans and lesbians can obtain auto financing, then I think we can trust them to not use their gay-hypnosis ray to sway our straight children into gaydom. If you’re religiously opposed to this, don’t marry a gay or lesbian. When they’re breaking a law written by Americans instead of an interpretation of a 2000 year old book, then we’ll talk.

7. Public school teachers don’t ever have to pay federal income taxes as long as they’re teaching. They’re never going to be paid what they’re worth, but this at least shows some appreciation. Community college will be free to every American until they receive their Associates degree or their 21st birthday, as long as they maintain a C average throughout. No kid can claim ignorance. If they’re stupid, its because they’re also lazy.

8. I don’t want to see Jesse Jackson anywhere anymore. Anywhere. He’s like the ‘Where’s Waldo’ of racist situations. Seriously. Find an old picture or video of any race riot, mixed-race criminal issue, black person in trouble with the law. Look for the red and white striped shirt or the big white glasses. Just go away.

9. There will be NO televised presidential speeches, except on Fridays, when the TV schedule sucks. In the event of a national emergency, my speech will only be televised on the lowest rated network of the Big Four. Those interested in the news will find CNN. If you need an escape, you should be able to watch 24 or your soap opera. Plus you can always catch the speech on my Myspace profile.
10. You’ll speak English. That’s my only requirement of you. You want to live here, you’ll learn it. You don’t have to unlearn your native language. Speak however you’d like at home or social events. At school, in public, you’ll speak the language of the USA. If I go to Canada, I’m learning Canadish without complaining.

Thank you for your time, and don’t forget your Stuff Portrait Friday pictures.