“At this point in my life, i’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right.”
You know that saying, “I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy?” That is how I feel about myself. I wouldn’t wish what I have on anyone.
On the outside, FROM the outside…I have nothing to complain about.
Inside, where I like to keep it nice and dark…that’s the place i’m talking about.
When I was Kara’s age I was afraid EVERY SINGLE DAY. I was afraid that I would walk into a classroom and that would be the day the teacher had me stand up and answer a question I had NO clue how to answer. That would be the day that everyone would find out that I was a complete idiot. That would be the day I got laughed at.
My daughter, Kara is living with that same damn fear and I hate myself for it. I HATE that I knew it MIGHT happen, I hate myself for the fact that I saw it happening, I hate myself that I can’t take that fear away no matter what I do.
Alyx hasn’t done a cartwheel since she broke her arm. She fears it. I don’t blame her. I will never force her to do one. I on the other hand have to push Kara into a place she doesn’t feel safe. A place that hurts worse than broken arm and there are no casts to make it better.
I cry. I cry just like my mom did when she knew I was failing. I thought she was crying because she mad at me, disappointed in me…ashamed of me.
She wasn’t though. I know that now…with these tears that stream down my face I realize those were tears of pain. My mom knew that fear. She had passed her fears to her child…and if there is one thing in this world a mother wishes she can take from her child it’s fear and pain. My mom wanted to be able to explain to me WHY she cried, but I couldn’t hear her. Her fears were from a million years ago, mine were right here…I could feel them and taste them.
With my head in my hands I cry for my little girl. Yes, she will turn out beautiful and wonderful…but she will walk in fear for many years. She will turn to people that can get her down the road with the least amount of work. She will become dependant on someone to make her feel safe. Then one day she will wake up in the middle of night in fear again because she has to get out of the place she is…and SHE CAN’T!
She’s going to ask herself, “How did I get here? How did I become so dependant on one person that I am buried so deep that there is no way out?” She will try to find the path to get out…but it will lead back to, “I have no education…and this is the best it’s going to get…I better stay.” and she will.
Then she will wake up again a few years down the road with a couple of kids and realize that she should have tried to battle the mountain all those years ago, but she didn’t because she didn’t think there was a way to do it.
and she will cry, like I cry right now because she’ll know what ‘trapped’ feels like.
I hurt SO many people because I couldn’t hold myself up. I wanted to take the easy route.
It was easier to fall down the stairs then to actually put the effort into climbing them. It was easier to trust someone else with my life than to actually take some responsibility for it myself.
There are many things in my life I want to forget. The pain I caused my ex-husband when I walked out on him is one of them. I think the pain I caused him when I came stumbling into his life should be first though. Did he honestly think he was getting someone who had it all together or someone that was running away from life?
I trusted that he would keep me safe and make my life a little less painful. He trusted me that I would love him forever if he provided those things. I broke my end of the bargain though.
I wanted out because at some point it didn’t matter that I wasn’t smart enough to go out and get a job and support my children. I had to save my own life. THIRTY STUPID YEARS LATER!
Kara, please. Believe me like I didn’t believe Grandma…I’ve been where you are sweetheart and these tears aren’t because i’m ashamed of you. They are because I love you so very much and I don’t want you to hurt like I did. I don’t want you to be scared like I was for so many years…years that went past 7th grade through high school. Those fears follow me TODAY.
I wouldn’t wish feeling scared on ANYONE…especially you honey. If I could take it all away I would. If I knew how to do it then, I would have.
I remember Grandma telling me through tears, “WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU?” she cried like I am crying now…and I asked you the same question.
There may not be a perfect solution to fixing this…or a quick fix…but Kara we have to end this cycle HERE. Trust me, you do not want to ever see your daughter crying like you did today. It’s painful in ways that I can’t describe.
You trust me and I don’t want to let you down.
Mountains baby, we have many to climb.
37 responses to “and there will be typos through tears.”
Listen to your mommy, sweetie. She is right.
((((HUGS)))) to you girls.
The worst years of my life were middle school. I was bullied, I was scared, I was insecure, I didn’t feel smart and I didn’t allow myself to display confidence because I didn’t believe I was good enough. My parents hadn’t a CLUE as to what I went through with emotions, boys, girls, teachers etc..All they wanted from me were good grades. Well, I didn’t get those because I was dealing with LIFE and had no one teach me anything or accept me..
Thank goodness Kris, that you and I DO talk with our kids and keep all lines of communication open. I remember the pain as if it were this morning. It’s so very hard to watch our girls go through stupid, hurtful shit. I am so sorry she is dealing with things that are hard to process at this time.
Is it not scary that how we parent directly reflects our kids?
It’s so hard..it’s not fair because for me, I’m carrying my own baggage from my upbringing and I have to really try and NOT repeat shit that my parents/mom did..I hated being the girls age..HATED IT.
Wow. Very moving and honest. I guess what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Or was it that it just kills us later. :) Just kidding.
Beautifully expressive post. Really.
aww sweetgrrls…
hugs and love to you both…
peace…
Kara.
Your momma is crazy and we heart her and she is right.
Listen to her.
:)
Kara, we all know that anyone who can lip-synch and head bang to Queen the way you can CAN’T be dumb. ;) Youre mama knows you better than anyone else does. Listen to her.
And Kristine…be as gentle on yourself as you are with Kara, ‘k? We can’t take back what we’ve already done, we can only learn from it. YOU are an awesome woman with a huge heart. The first entry I ever read on your blog was where you were going to do volunteer work helping senior citizens figure out their ‘puters. Don’t sell yourself short. We all make mistakes. You’re no worse than the rest of us (and if you knew the blackest parts of my heart, you would know this is true).
Hugs to both of you {{{Kara}}} and {{{Kristine}}}
Kara your mom is SO smart and so right. Listen to her…really think about the things she has gone through. She has made mistakes and learned from them, those mistakes have made her the AWESOME MOM she is and so she could help teach you. So you don’t have to make those mistakes. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. You are worth the hard work it might take to get you where you need to be! Say it outloud…I AM WORTH IT!!!!
Kristine, I’ll be thinking about you. And if you figure this out…P.L.E.A.S.E. write a book. You are seriously living my biggest parenting fear right now. I pray I can give Ciarnan the tools to never depend on a man, or anyone for that matter. Building their self worth is soooo hard when they have so many things knocking it back down.
{{{HUGS to you BOTH}}}
Oh Kristine, If we all knew “then” what we know “now” wouldn’t we have done things differently. For different reasons, from differenet circumstances, as different people, I know what you mean, at least on some level. It is much easier for me to say this than to follow my own adice….give yourelf some credit. Like you Kara may feel fear -don’t we all at some point? – but like you she will learn to rise above it and be strong. Every day might not be easy but she will learn from you how to handle the hard days as much as she will learn to laugh on the good days. It is so damn easy to be hard on ourselves for what we “should have done” and what we ” have to do” to avoide fear…fear of failure, fear of not living up to the Joneses, fear of being alone, feat of whatever …BUT one day at a time we make it because we have gumption and because girls like Kara have models like you. REAL models who have hard days and easy days…models that are based in reality and not some crazy prime time tv show.
We all have dark spots parts that we may not even reveal to ourselves fully. Don’t be so tough on you. Kara loves you and you are a wonderful mom. Remember that.
Oh, man, I didn’t feel such gripping fear until after the miscarriage. And then the second full-term baby brought the post-partum depression.
Maybe hormones have a bunch to do with your/her internal struggle. The girl is on the brink of puberty. Perhaps a physical with blood levels would help.
hugs to you both
Kara: Your Mommy loves ya and she is so right. Let her help you through this!
You post made me cry. I hope that you can both work your way through this. Big hugs. I’m dreading the day I face this with my own beautiful and amazing children.
I have no doubt that both you and Kara WILL get through this, and you both will be stronger, smarter, and closer BECAUSE of it not in spite of it. Kristine, you have a beautiful family and you are a wonderful mother. Never doubt that for a second. The fact that you care enough to write something like that, and I’m sure the words you say to her are all the more heartfelt, goes a long way. You both are amazing. Kara, you will get through this – let your mom help you. She loves you and she obviously can see the pain you are in and understands it first hand. Remember, we don’t always have to learn from our own mistakes; sometimes it is enough to watch those around us fall. Let your mom’s experiences help guide you – right and wrong.
If that isn’t enough you have an entire internet support group right here, but go to your mom first. Sending good vibes your way.
Kristine…you sound amazing. Kara- you are a very lucky little girl- I mean young lady. Believe in your mom. It sucks to see our babies go thru pain. (((HUGS)))
Not that you haven’t already considered this, but have you taken her to a therapist? she may have an anxiety disorder.
I know how you feel. I watch my daughter, having Adhd and I know what difficulties lie ahead of her. I know how she will struggle to pay attention, have trouble keeping friends, always feel lost. I already did it all and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I swear that middle school is like hell, only with sticker-covered binders, braces, and rules like “no chewing gum in the hallways.”
You sharing your experiences with her, sharing your wisdom, that combined with your immense love for her are going to make your little girl strong. I believe that whole-heartedly. Smooches to you babe.
Kara, your Mom knows because she has been there.
(((((Hugs))))) to you both.
Kristine – have you thought about takig her to a counselor or something? Maybe a professional could help her conquer these fears. You know, someone from the outside. She may listen to them. You know we never listen to our parents.
Good luck, girls.
((((HUGS))))
*hugs*
oh kristine, what a beautiful, sweet post. i have had fears exactly as you describe and i’m pretty sure i have passed them onto my son and it is a painful thing to watch him doubt himself and be afraid of the things that I now know are stupid to be afraid of. i just try to comfort him and make it better somehow because i don’t know how to solve the “problem”. and now i’m crying and also laughing at pissy’s sweet comment. i know it’s already been said a million times but i’m saying it again…big hugs and kisses to you and your sweet girls..
i heart you and your family. my wife and i helped screw up our first kid. the second one is on to our scheme and doesn’t listen to us. he kicks a**.
It´s hard sometimes, Kris, but children have to experience their own fears and find a way out by themselves. When we try to protect them so much they get weak… my parents protected us lots when we were little children and we somehow grow up fearing everything, every place and every people; fearing life, fearing the world. Some of that feeling ended up when my sister had her son and I went to university, but my brother is a completely weak adult. He is extremely shy and fears the world outside. He fears to lose my parents´ protection and finds himself unable to face his challenges.
Kara needs you, then help her the best way, but facing her own fears is going to make her a stronger person when she grows up.
Good luck! I know you can do it the best way :)
I was scared in high school until I turned 17, when I became hateful and mean. I got confidence in the worst way – in the way that causes you to turn on everyone who was intimidating you and turn on them with a vengance. Eventually it leveled out… my self-esteem did improve with that mean streak. But that streak… it’s still around. I sometimes feel fear in situations where I don’t have control. Then I turn it around and say things I probably shouldn’t… but get what I want.
I hope things get better for Kara. Basically, the rest of school from here on up sucks, at least until college. Boo.
Kara,
I know this is very hard, but please believe me that as a mom who has a kid who has difficulty in school & life, your mom has alot of good guidance for you. Seriously good. Believe in yourself. Sometimes school is tough, but we know you can do it. And you’ll be the better person for it in the long run.
Hugs,
Lori
I have two in middle school and as much as I try to help…I can’t. Only because they think they know…..I’ve chosen to help guide but not lead the way for them because in the end they will hopefully figure it out on thier own.
At least she can be comforted by the fact that she has you.
Hugs to all.
Oh. Poor thing. I know fear, that is for sure. But it’s not a hopeless thing, Kristine. You can stop the cycle, or help alleviate it anyway. A few people have suggested therapy and I am in complete agreement. My son is seeing a therapist now and you would not believe the improvement and growth I have seen in him. Sometimes just loving your children isn’t enough. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help.
And know that there are SO many people in your life and in the blogosphere who love you guys and want good things for all of you. I’m sending good vibes your way (and prayers, too, if you don’t mind…).
(((HUGS)))
Hugs and her knowing that you support her, regardless of accomplishment or lack thereof, is what will help her through. Keeping faith in her abilities whether inner or outer will help for her to understand that she has nothing to fear with the support of her family. When she feels “stupid” or “unable” tell her different. My daughter is in middle school too, and being that she doesn’t have any siblings I got her involved in a positive youth group. They constantly reinforce self WORTH and the knowing that each and everyone of us is valuable in our own unique and important ways. That they are capable of anything they desire. What Mom, or Dad, may say to them at that age doesn’t always stick, but sometimes an outside source makes them say “Hey…they don’t even know me and they think I can do it, maybe I’ll try.” And so they succeed and in no small way either. Each step is a positive one whether a mile wide or baby steps.
My best wishes are always out to you Kristine and your family. :)
And thanks for stopping by while I was gone…
There is a new blogger in the spotlight up! Sorry it took me so long as you know things have been crazy but I think that I am back on track and will try and post a blogger every week!
Awwww, man, I am keeping both of y’all in my thoughts.
Kara, your mom is a good chick and I think you should listen to her cause I think she loves you like a tiny bit. A wee amount really.
Like how far the East is from the West. Just that much. :)
Oh sweetie. I don’t know how to help, but I’m here.
Oh Kristine. I can feel the love between you and your daughter oozing from this post. It’s amazing. It sounds like you still are living with fear. You say, “Yes, she will turn out beautiful and wonderful…but she will walk in fear for many years”.
Maybe she won’t. She IS already beatiful and wonderful, and maybe she won’t walk in fear for many years. Maybe she won’t become dependent on someone else to make her life easier. Maybe she will see your strength now, and from it be inspired to climb the stairs.
Maybe she will learn more quickly than you did.
This was a beautiful gut wrenching post. Hope you feel supported and cared about by your commenters. Thanks for sharing with us.
Thinking of you guys.
There is no harder thing in the world than being a teenage girl.
Unless it’s being the mother of a teenage girl.
Hugs, well wishes and love to you both.
What a wonderful mother you are!
I hope you did find your measure of peace this weekend. I hope you can share it with Kara.
because you recognize it and because you’re able to talk about it – you WILL be able to walk your daughter down a brighter path – it’s what mommies do – don’t take no for an answer – force your way in there and let her shine – you can do it – i KNOW you can!