and there will be typos through tears.

“At this point in my life, i’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right.”

You know that saying, “I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy?” That is how I feel about myself. I wouldn’t wish what I have on anyone.
On the outside, FROM the outside…I have nothing to complain about.

Inside, where I like to keep it nice and dark…that’s the place i’m talking about.

When I was Kara’s age I was afraid EVERY SINGLE DAY. I was afraid that I would walk into a classroom and that would be the day the teacher had me stand up and answer a question I had NO clue how to answer. That would be the day that everyone would find out that I was a complete idiot. That would be the day I got laughed at.

My daughter, Kara is living with that same damn fear and I hate myself for it. I HATE that I knew it MIGHT happen, I hate myself for the fact that I saw it happening, I hate myself that I can’t take that fear away no matter what I do.
Alyx hasn’t done a cartwheel since she broke her arm. She fears it. I don’t blame her. I will never force her to do one. I on the other hand have to push Kara into a place she doesn’t feel safe. A place that hurts worse than broken arm and there are no casts to make it better.

I cry. I cry just like my mom did when she knew I was failing. I thought she was crying because she mad at me, disappointed in me…ashamed of me.
She wasn’t though. I know that now…with these tears that stream down my face I realize those were tears of pain. My mom knew that fear. She had passed her fears to her child…and if there is one thing in this world a mother wishes she can take from her child it’s fear and pain. My mom wanted to be able to explain to me WHY she cried, but I couldn’t hear her. Her fears were from a million years ago, mine were right here…I could feel them and taste them.

With my head in my hands I cry for my little girl. Yes, she will turn out beautiful and wonderful…but she will walk in fear for many years. She will turn to people that can get her down the road with the least amount of work. She will become dependant on someone to make her feel safe. Then one day she will wake up in the middle of night in fear again because she has to get out of the place she is…and SHE CAN’T!

She’s going to ask herself, “How did I get here? How did I become so dependant on one person that I am buried so deep that there is no way out?” She will try to find the path to get out…but it will lead back to, “I have no education…and this is the best it’s going to get…I better stay.” and she will.
Then she will wake up again a few years down the road with a couple of kids and realize that she should have tried to battle the mountain all those years ago, but she didn’t because she didn’t think there was a way to do it.
and she will cry, like I cry right now because she’ll know what ‘trapped’ feels like.

I hurt SO many people because I couldn’t hold myself up. I wanted to take the easy route.
It was easier to fall down the stairs then to actually put the effort into climbing them. It was easier to trust someone else with my life than to actually take some responsibility for it myself.

There are many things in my life I want to forget. The pain I caused my ex-husband when I walked out on him is one of them. I think the pain I caused him when I came stumbling into his life should be first though. Did he honestly think he was getting someone who had it all together or someone that was running away from life?
I trusted that he would keep me safe and make my life a little less painful. He trusted me that I would love him forever if he provided those things. I broke my end of the bargain though.

I wanted out because at some point it didn’t matter that I wasn’t smart enough to go out and get a job and support my children. I had to save my own life. THIRTY STUPID YEARS LATER!
Kara, please. Believe me like I didn’t believe Grandma…I’ve been where you are sweetheart and these tears aren’t because i’m ashamed of you. They are because I love you so very much and I don’t want you to hurt like I did. I don’t want you to be scared like I was for so many years…years that went past 7th grade through high school. Those fears follow me TODAY.
I wouldn’t wish feeling scared on ANYONE…especially you honey. If I could take it all away I would. If I knew how to do it then, I would have.

I remember Grandma telling me through tears, “WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU?” she cried like I am crying now…and I asked you the same question.
There may not be a perfect solution to fixing this…or a quick fix…but Kara we have to end this cycle HERE. Trust me, you do not want to ever see your daughter crying like you did today. It’s painful in ways that I can’t describe.

You trust me and I don’t want to let you down.

Mountains baby, we have many to climb.