So I was digging through emails looking for the confirmation email for my new bluetooth when I noticed that TheYear2009@ohyeahitsuckith dot com had sent me an email.
I’ve kinda heard some of the stuff you’re saying about me and my feelings are deeply hurt.
I know our relationship kinda started out on rocky footing. I said some mean things, you said some mean things. I may or may not have written your name in the bathroom at the Mexican food restaurant with some lewd comment underneath.
We sorta hit our grove by February though. Remember you were feeling better and I was like, “This is going to be a really cool year for you!”
I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship. You invited me to two parties where I was the guest of honor! No one has done that for me. You toasted me and said that I can suck it. I took that as a compliment because I did suck up a lot for you. I mean, I really cleaned house on your life!
I didn’t realize you would lose so much in the process, but look at all that we did!
In April we sat in the most beautiful part of this world in awe of ourselves. It wasn’t that long before you thought Yosemite was in another state! You put your kids in that car and you drove to Yosemite with tears at every sad song that came on the radio, but you wiped the tears away and we made our way through the twists and turns to get there. You promised me that we would go back next year when it wasn’t so cold and we would lay in that big meadow.
In May we made it snow because you promised a friend we would go play in the snow.
In June we changed your life forever. How can you forget all that? How could you say that our time together was anything less than wonderful?
I want to just make a list of the reasons why I should be the best year of your life.
1. All of your girls are happy and healthy. Yes, you had a bumpy road for a couple of months, but because of that bumpy road…you know your daughter and you have a renewed faith in the years to come.
2. What is left in your life is yours. It belongs to no one else.
3. When you got sad yesterday, you had a friend send you a video of all your friends smiling, happy, jumping out of planes. You have some pretty amazing friends that truly care for you.
Remember the hurricanes. You look around at all the destruction that has hit and the old houses are leveled, the new houses are nothing more than a cement slab and the mobile homes are in another state. Then you see a few houses scattered around that are still standing. You are like that random house in the middle of nowhere. The other houses, those are your friends. They certainly aren’t the houses you would expect to be standing, but they are.
I know i’m like that hurricane. I came through your life and I threw everything up in the air and you had to stand there and watch what would hit the ground and shatter…I knew you didn’t expect so much to break. I was proud of you though. You cried A LOT, but you did it while you were sweeping up the mess.
Since we are talking about tears, let’s talk about all the things you did cry about.
You cried for the loss of your best friend of 8 years. That’s totally understandable. You cried because he was someone very special to your children. You cried because you lost not only your friend, but the family you built.
You cried because of the haunting nightmares.
You cried because you lost a friend that you believed would be a part of your life forever, but she wasn’t. You cried for the unexpected.
You cried for a friend when many of his friends died. You cried for your friends when they lost one of their own.
You cried when the dog barfed on the kitchen floor and you realized that there was no one there to clean up that mess anymore…and you had to do it.
You cried angry tears.
You also cried some tears of relief. You cried because someone said something so incredibly sweet you didn’t have words to say thank you. You cried after landing a 260 in middle of a thorny field after a line twist on your first jump out. You cried not because you broke your toe or hit the ground REALLY HARD, you cried because YOU did that all by yourself. You cried just reading that. You cry when you know someone is going through all the things that you did this year and saying, ‘i know what you’re going through’ just isn’t enough. You cried when a friend conquered something she had been afraid of for so many years because you knew she could do it. and she did.
You cried when you had to let go of everything about yourself and just let yourself be happy even if it made you look bad.
Sometimes you still cry in the shower because you’re afraid that all this goodness that I brought you this year will disappear.
I promise you this, even though I looked like a really shitty in your life, I brought you here and HERE is where you need to be. So go on and tell me to Fuck Off and when you’re finished reading this email you go ahead and answer that IM from your friend who can’t wait to get home to hang out with you. You pack up your bye-bye bag so you can spend an evening with someone so unexpected that you sometimes forget to breath. You remember to call your daughter back because she just called to tell you that she loves you…even though she just told you before she left to go play with her little sisters. At 5pm when you close up your work computer for the day you remember why you are RIGHT here in this moment.
It was because of me.
All my love,
I hope you all got what you wanted for Christmas this year. <removing snarky comment>
Last year Dan bought me a pink Motorola blue tooth from the girls for Christmas. In this last year that poor thing has survived so much.
A few months ago I pulled the clothes out of the dryer and the damn thing fell out on the floor. “How the hell?” I wondered how it got in there and then I remembered I put it in my back pocket after the battery died. I was all bummed out because I actually liked it. It wasn’t one of those ones that you had to stick in your ear which just gives me the creeps.
It was suggested that I should charge it and see if it still worked.
Low and behold after a good charging it worked! I swore I would NEVER put it in my pocket ever again. 2 cell phones and countless tubes of lipstick, lip gloss, and chapstick have been destroyed in the washer and dryer. I also have the cleanest driver license, atm card and lighters in California.
The other day I was flip flopping the laundry and at the bottom, there it was…my pink bluetooth. “DAMN IT!” there is no way that poor thing could survive a second washing. I remembered last time I found it in the dryer and so with a ‘what the hell…it worked before…what can it hurt?’, I tossed my blue tooth into the dryer with the wet clothes. After the 40 minutes, I took it out with the clothes and plugged it in to charge.
Now I promise to NEVER wash it again, because my odds of it working again after 3 washings is just tempting fate. I’m telling the story of the most awesome bluetooth to my hair stylist and as I am getting up from the chair, it falls and hits the floor…hard. It broke.
Distraught I go looking for a replacement at Fryes Electronics and Best Buy. Because it’s an ‘older model’ they don’t have it. I found a replacement on Overstock dot com. The thing is…it’s red. It’s not pink. AND, I have never had any luck with the ‘replacement’ things in my life. Examples, My Motorola Razor phone. The first one had the best reception and the battery lasted forever. I replaced it after some fucktard stole it when we went to the coast. The replacement…sucked. My Samsung phone that vibrated into a sink full of water was the best phone! (before the swim) and the replacement has NO reception. Sucks.
I’m hoping the new bluetooth will prove to be different.
That is the Christmas present I bought for myself.
Here’s to next year…getting what I want and accepting the things I didn’t want but were handed to me anyway. To allowing replacements into my life and not questioning them. Maybe replacements is exactly what I need.
January — I was sporting my new dark hair and loving it. I was almost one month into feeling better. We had just spent our first Christmas in 7 years in Shingletown with my family. It was a good month.
What I learned: I only like my dark hair for about 2 months.
February — I became the proud owner of my first Ipod.
What I learned: I know ziltch about being an Ipod owner.
March — I turned 37 and Kara turned 16. We spent our birthday in San Francisco roaming around and seeing Wicked.
What I learned — The dark hair is officially sucky at this point. Wicked was WICKED awesome. I enjoyed spending all that time with my daughter.
April — Most of the month was alright. Then the bottom fell out. I packed up the girls and we went to Yosemite. It was awesome.
What I learned — “Forsaking all others” is a bunch of bull.
May — I traveled a lot this month. It didn’t matter where I was going as long as by Wednesday I knew what I would be doing Saturday morning.
What I learned– You don’t know how strong you can be until it’s your only option.
June — I jumped out of an airplane strapped to a awesome tandem master.
What I learned — There is nothing I can’t do.
July — I jumped out of an airplane without anyone strapped to me. My daughter jumped out of an airplane. I spent the 4th surrounded by new friends at the dropzone. I found a great friend who introduced me to many more. I went scuba diving (without a dive buddy).
What I learned — I can save my own life.
August — I spent time at the wind tunnels. I spent time in the sky. I saw the ocean. I watched my daughter go from one school to another.
What I learned — The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
September — I saw my other daughter leave in red Mustang with her date.
What I learned — I really enjoy my job and getting in where I fit in.
October — I flew to Oregon. I shot a wedding. I spent Halloween eating dinner in the same place I had lunch.
What I learned– My sister in law is a bad-ass and I missed out on knowing the real her for many years.
November — Things have a funny way of working themselves out. I got my daughter back. I spent Thanksgiving with my family.
What I learned — People suck. ROYALLY suck.
December — I love my job. I may have not understood the big picture before, but I get it now. I put the tree up, decorated my home and realized so many things this month. This is my life. And to quote someone I never thought I would be friends with again, “Get my name out of your mouth.”
What I learned — I’m going to be alright. I really, really am. And also when someone asks me where I see the relationship going, DO NOT SAY, “Nowhere”.
I threw out my back on Thursday helping a co-worker get through some really lame paper work. I know, I know, I sound retarded saying I threw out my back doing paper work. Keep in mind I have thrown out my back sneezing, walking and washing my hair.
Today, instead of tackling the kitchen cabinets, I decided to catch up on a whole season of Dexter.
It wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the seasons in the past. HOLY SHIT, it had a twist at the end though. I was impressed they went as far as they did.
Does anyone else watch this show?
I forgot to update you all on my instructor and his world record.
68 wingsuit formation world record!
He sent out this awesome video of the skydivers coming out of the planes that the news chopper caught.
I’m ending this year of my blog with a lot of things I have learned.
This is something that I have heard a million times in many ways, shapes and forms.
“Life is short.” “You only get one life.” “Tomorrow is never promised.”
Today I was in the kitchen all of the day. I made shredded pork enchiladas. The shredded pork was from dinner the night before. After I was finished I made chocolate chip cookies, mini cupcakes and a cheesecake. Each new creation made me smile more than the last. At some point in my Betty Crocker frenzy I spilled flour all down the front of me and the counter. I grabbed a sponge and began cleaning up the cupboards. Then it hit me…
This was my life today. Mine. The fire was burning in the living room. The Christmas lights were on…and this was my life.
When Dan and I split up I remember thinking, “the best years of my life are over.”
When Shaun left, I thought, “I just wasted 8 years of my life.”
Somewhere in the middle of this year I realized that the best years of my life haven’t even happened yet. The eight years of my life were not wasted. I lived those years. I laughed. I created. I loved. I received love. I made mistakes. I might right choices. I made friends. I lost friends. I learned. I forgot. I relearned. I watched my daughters grow. I got the love of two of the most amazing step-children. I was a step-step grandma for a short time. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was scared. I fought. I cried. I lived.
There is a new path in front of me. Every single day is different from the last day. I’m 37 years old. Next year I will be 38. I will never be 37 again…that year is behind me. I can’t go back and change it. So today while frosting cupcakes, listening to football in the living room and staring off into space I started thinking. Tomorrow isn’t promised. I may not make it to my destination, be that work or home. I promised myself to not think about the things I can’t control. I promised myself to not care that I am not everything I had hoped to be today.
Today I am just a 37 year old woman in my kitchen making a bomb ass cheese cake. Later in the day I am going to be that same woman on my couch in front of my fire laughing about something stupid I just read. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will be that same woman trying to figure out what new thing I can create, with my children frosting the left over cupcakes listening to overplayed music on Kara’s favorite station.
2010 isn’t promised to be any better than 2009 was. Many things will change in my life. I will jump out of plane many times. I will spend my spare weekends at a drop zone. I will travel to new places. I will learn how to co-exist with someone new in my life. I will try not to kill this person with my endless questions or frustrate this person with my endless need to do something new or exciting (or as he calls it, ‘dangerous’). I will bring the girls to many new places like my dad for me. I will be a mother like mine was. I will be a better sister. I will be a better sister-in-law. I will visit my dad more. I will cuddle with my mom more. I will remember to call my sister back. I will make sure that my daughters know that there is NO ONE in this world more important than their family.
I will not trust my instincts. I will call my sister and just ask her what to do. I will love again. I will let others love me…even though I think it’s a stupid mistake and they are totally retarded for doing so. I won’t get frustrated with them when they get frustrated with me for saying that.
I’ve said it before, I will keep saying it. This is MY LIFE. I will make the choices that make me happy. When I am happy, those that truly love me, are happy too.
I will jump out of planes. I will love who I want. I will keep my children close and let them know that I love them more than anything. I will ski down a hill. I will continue to laugh. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to learn from them.
So tonight, I sit on the couch and share left over enchiladas, try to convince a non-believer the awesomeness of Chuck and enjoy the life that is mine…and not worry about the life that is yours. That life is yours to live. You get to choose to do the things that make you happy…or unhappy.
Favorite Movie: Life of Brian. I know it’s not a movie that came out in 2009, but it’s the best movie I saw this year. I think the second favorite would have to be The Hangover.
Favorite Song: If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickeback.
It was overplayed on the radio, but every time I heard it, I felt like it was written for this year.
Favorite Lyric: “So live like you’ll never live it twice. Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
Favorite Line: “Jump, Bitches!”
My friend Wendi says this all the time…since then she has altered it to fit the moment.
Favorite Trip: Oregon hanging out with my sister in law.
This trip was so needed. Spending this time with her and getting to know her for who she really is was eye opening.
Favorite Moment: The second my feet left the plane without anyone attached to me.
I could also say the walk back to the hanger when I knew I had some time to think about what I had just done. “I did it.” was followed with the best tears I had cried all year.
Favorite Holiday: Fourth of July (at the dropzone) or Thanksgiving (in Redding)
I spent the whole month of July at a dropzone. I have never felt like I fit in like I did there. Thanksgiving was a blessing. Being with my family and healing was what I needed. With open arms they welcomed in a new part of my life.
Something Bad: My husband left us.
Something Good: My husband left us.
Something you regret: Trusting someone that didn’t earn that trust.
Something you learned: How to do a backflip at 10,000 feet in the air.
Someone that changed your life: Ed. He taught me how to truly save my own life.
Go back and change something: I would have believed her when she said to watch my back.
Subtractions from your life: Friends. A husband. Anxiety.
Additions to your life: Skydiving. New Friends. A job I am learning to like.Love and Security.
I wrote a 2009 resolutions at the beginning of the year:
Taking a NO-BULLSHIT stand when it comes to my life, my friend, my family, my future. My tolerance for putting up with things that have no right being a part of my life is very limited.
—> I would like to say that I did this, but there are moments that I failed. 2009 had a way of weeding out the bullshit though.
Find a healthy way to live my life. Vitamins and probiotics will be a new part of my daily routine.
—-> Yeah, that lasted about a month.
Sorry fast food, but you are a thing of my past. Soon, soda will join you.
—> Well, I cut out about 85% of the fast food. Soda, i love you though.
Once upon a time there was this woman who loved her life…let’s go find her again. If we can’t find that woman, let’s fall in love with the new woman that is on her adventure to get back to good.
—> I think this is the only one I did stick to. I love my life.
It’s okay to make a mistake, but learn from it and move on.
—> Got it. Moving on!!
Know by the end of the end of this year that you have done all the things you wanted to do in this year and be proud of the choices you made.
—> I didn’t get to go rafting or skiing (yet!) but I will. I am proud of the choices that I did make. Some were tough some were not.
Do not shed a single tear for something stupid or someone that doesn’t deserve it.
—>If only I were this strong.
Trust my instincts.
—> I realized my instincts suck ass. Thank you 2009 for taking over for me though! If it wasn’t for this shit ass year I wouldn’t be surrounded by people I love that love me right back.
If there is anything else you want to do for me before the year is over, by all means…have at it.
I can’t wait to say goodbye to this year. It was bitter sweet. I am sad by what has happened this year, but so grateful for all that it has done for me.
Shea has been on a baking frenzy and we got to enjoy her cake for Marina’s 16th birthday!
Happy Birthday Rina Roo!!
At least two times a week we are watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. As many times as it has been on, I still haven’t watched the whole thing yet. I have seen some of the first, a tiny bit of the middle, but the end I have seen about 15 times now.
I roll my eyes whenever the dancing and singing starts (half the time the movie doesn’t have to be on) but the truth is, it actually makes me laugh.