It’s strange, but the weekends are starting to depress me.
I guess because on work days i’m up at 6 am and out the door by 6:15 am. No time to think about my life. I get home at 4:30 pm and my mom life kicks in. I try to go to bed early and I play “Bug’s Opera” until the Benedryl kicks in and then I pass out. It’s a no-thinking-about-my-life strategy.
This morning I woke up, and I’m laying there and I get all depressed. I have rationalized my personal life as to “this is what it is”. I’ve been dealing with it okay for awhile. I’m wondering how long it will last though.
Shaun and I broke up before he left to Missori with Tabitha. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Our personal life wasn’t what it should be anyway. We were more like friends than lovers.
While he was gone he ‘missed’ me. “missed” is the term he uses when he wants me to know that he has realized it’s been awhile since we’ve been intimate. He’s not directly telling me that he wants to, just that he ‘misses’ me. Anyway, he missed me while he was gone in Missori. I didn’t talk to him that much while he was gone. When he got back he told me that he was sorry for everything that had happened to our relationship and he wanted to make it work. We were okay for a couple of days after that because I believed that it would now be perfect.
I didn’t put too much stock in our rekindled romance because I had been burned by it before. I didn’t get as hurt this time when the intamacy didn’t continue.
I realized a week ago that it has been since he got back from Missori that we were intimate. It’s going on two months.
I don’t really care though. I built a wall before he left. I guess it’s still there. I don’t care if we do or don’t anymore.
I love him, don’t get me wrong. I feel like I am living with my best friend. I don’t want to live with anyone else. I would be sad if he were gone.
So why I am thinking about this now? His sister came over last night and said something, “Your boyfriend.” I laughed and repeated, “boyfriend”. I don’t really think of him as my ‘boyfriend’. it sounded so wrong to hear someone calling him that. He’s just my best friend that I sleep with at night. We don’t make love. We barely even kiss. I could have this relationship with anyone.

We are planning a vacation to Disneyland with the kids. We have never been anywhere outside of Reno and Marine world alone together. We went from dating to married for 25 years, in less than a year. I feel like I am 70 years old.