I have an eleven year old daughter. She watches movies with me. Today she put in “My Best Friends Wedding”. She said I remind her of Julia Roberts. I was flattered. Julia, in this movie plays a strong woman, albiet a bit crazed, but a woman that has a driving career and doesn’t need a man (until her best friend, who is a man, is going to marry someone else) You’ve seen the movie, I don’t need to explain.
Anyway, I was impressed that Kara saw me in such a glowing light.
Then at a part in the movie where Julia is talking to her best friend and he says, “You didn’t like that icky love stuff.” Kara turned and said, “That’s what reminds me of you mom. You don’t like that icky love stuff.” I thought about it for the rest of the day.
It’s not like I’m afraid of public display of effection. I love it! It’s not like I don’t tell the girls and everyone I love them all the time. I do. It’s sickening how much I say it. I cuddle. I snuggle. I love, L O V E.
So why did that part of the movie remind her of me?
I don’t like Romance movies. I use to love them…when I believed in all that crap. I use to read the romance novels. In fact, I kept them all.
Kara and I watch all the teen-angst movies. My favorite show was, “my so-called life”. My favorite song is Al Greens, “Lets stay together”. I think I finally realized why. That’s young love. That’s the love before you realize it could all go to the shitter. All it takes is being lied to, being treated like you’re second best to their friends, not being touched…and the wall goes up and you’re just numb to everything.
You know that part in the relationship where the sound of his or her voice makes you just want to close your eyes and die on the spot? Or the part where you’re in the car together and you look over into the car next to you and you would just do anything to know what they are thinking or talking about because it had to better than what you were talking about, feeling or thinking at that moment? Or this moment right here, where he reaches over to touch you and your heart feels like it’s going to explode in your chest because you have waited so long to be touched, and then that knot in your throat swells because you know that it’s not right. Your chest gets tingly because you know this will be the only time you’ll be touched in God knows when, and you don’t want it to be so ‘unfeeling’ and like every single time before it.
I don’t want to be touched anymore. I don’t want to get my hopes up for something that isn’t going to be there for another two months. If i’m going to do it, it’s going to feel right. No knots, no chest tingling and no God damn tears.
Right now, I have my best friend. He’s fantasic. He does love me. We watch sports together. We talk about crazy things. That’s all I need. I think for now…until I figure out how to get back to where I was before I hated romance movies and all things that show the woman falling madly in love and everyone living happily ever after, I should just back away from it.
I still have hope that I will have that all someday.