Shea and Keagen moved to Seattle.  They are settled into their apartment and starting a life together.
It’s so endearing to see a new relationship taking flight into the unknown.  I’m always a sucker for love. I fall into love so easily and I make excuses for why it will work this time. “It was fate that brought us together.”  I am realizing that my version of fate has almost always been trauma bonding.  The last relationship I was in was in according to my therapist was the biggest trauma bonding of all time.  This was something I had floating around in the back of my mind.  His wife had just passed and I loved her to death (she would say life).  When his son would call me and tell me that he wanted me to come over to help him with his homework I couldn’t resist.  My heart belonged to his son long before it belonged to his father.  I don’t regret being there when I was in love and the thought of a future together drove me.  The part where we grew apart is my regret. We should have stepped away from each other when we both knew we were not in the same place anymore.
I am not ready to go into it right now, but I want to say it just in case something happens and that is taken away from me.  What he thought happened, did not happen.  When I tried to explain myself and was screamed at and called a liar, I shut down.  If this is what he needed to believe, then I allowed it.  Whenever I was asked a question- I answered it honestly and was called a liar.
I knew this was the end anyway and I wanted to explain everything once I was on the same fucking continent.   This did not happen because when a question was asked and answered it wasn’t believed.  Somewhere I thought I would be able to tell my truth, but I knew there was no way I would be believed.   Then I got to the point in a 30 day holding pattern that I didn’t care anymore. It was clear he was trying to hurt me because he was hurt.
I read somewhere that the person you break up with is the person they were all along.  I think that is true for both of us.  Me, I was distant and shut down.  He was…yeah. It wasn’t good and I during that month I believe I saw him for who he actually was.   Some good and some really not good.  The truck i will never be paid for  was a hard lesson. In the future I will never sign over a car to anyone without first having them pay me what I paid for it. If I had known I was going to be paid for it with cigarettes then I probably wouldn’t have signed it over. OHH the stupid things we do when we think someone won’t Brunston you.
I’m sure the new girl in his life now, (yes..i know about her) is probably hearing all the shit from his point of view.  Please, if you stalk me and find me….believe him.  He needs someone that can be that for him. Someone who can be all the things I was in the beginning of our relationship when I was desperately trying to pull him out of a place I can’t even imagine being in.  I was a gold fucking star girlfriend the first 4 years of our relationship and if I could have stayed on that path….well, I couldn’t be that girl anymore.  Love him, he will love you back. Love my dogs.  Let him whistle, it brings him joy and I couldn’t take it because I have tinnitus. (according to him I just suck the joy out of everything…sooo, there ya go)

This new chapter of my life is exactly what I want to be.  Quiet.   There are moments in my apartment when I dance around and I can breathe.
I know I am not suppose to be with anyone right now and I’m not ….and I am SOOOO relieved to just be alone with myself.  My friend, Mary has been single for so many years and I use to tell her that she was so beautiful and fun, why not share that with someone. I fucking get it now.   There are people in this world that aren’t suppose to be with other people.  We are the lyrics in a song, we are Nobody’s Girl (bonnie raitt).  I didn’t want to be that person she said we were, but she has been right since I was 5 years old.   I am nobody’s girl….and I couldn’t be happier to not belong to anyone.

Also, go see Barbie. It’s a great fucking movie.