“Vulnerability is not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process…. Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.” Brenè Brown 

I have been actively working on communication and with that comes setting boundaries that I have never set before.  The boundaries are for myself and being honest with myself.  It feels like every emotion is now questioned.  I’m mad…why?  I am jealous, why? I’m happy, locate the source…and why?
So far it has been very helpful.  The stoics were right.
The other day  I started to feel one way and I stopped the thought process that would have had me in a silent spiral for hours.  “Why do you feel this way? Is this what you’re feeling or what you’re programmed to feel?   is what you REALLY want?”
The fucking success rate of asking myself that question has been 100%.

If you have ever been a part of my life, but not my kids (they get the unfiltered me) you could say, “I know her, I know her family and songs she loves and can retell a story of hers.”  but the reality is that you have never been let in and you couldn’t say you know me on a vulnerable level.    In the past people have poked and poked until they got me so upset that I cry and I open up.  I wouldn’t advise this if you ever want to be trusted.  In the trust building process if I cry and open up…it’s probably not going to end well.  The manipulation of getting me to open up will never be forgotten.   I would fucking LOVE to be vulnerable, but I will not be pushed there.
So trying to find how to be that person with boundaries is my goal right now.

The last thing I thought I would be doing is dissecting my past relationships so I can enjoy being alone.  The hard part is going back to the beginning and remembering that ‘in love’ part.  Those parts are always the ones that get pushed down deep in the break-up box.
I’m working kinda backwards, jumping around to the big hurts I experienced.  I’ll go back after and dig through the hurt I caused, and I know I have hurt and been hurt.  There as to be a list of questions I can ask while I am doing this, but I am just jumping in and hoping that the answers don’t cut me too deep when I do answer them.
The question that I want the answer to is the one I am most afraid of.  When did I stop being open and loving?
I know the answer though. I know the person who made it damn near impossible to cuddle on the couch, to reach out and just touch another person because you’re so in love with because if you don’t touch them you will stop breathing.
I know who did this to me.  I wish I could say it was me so I can have that blame and be able to fix it.
It took me a long time to get past that relationship.  It wasn’t just the end that took me out, it was the last years that broke me.  I just wanted to be loved like I was in the beginning and I stayed longer than I should trying to get him to love me like that again, because that was when I was the happiest I had ever been…or at least it felt like that.

When my recent ex broke up with me he said some truly horrible things to me in the guise of ‘helping me’.  He said he knew why I was always cheated on.  He went into detail while I sat outside of a pub in Ireland and watched the people inside laughing and singing.   I listened because I had no choice.  He used the things I had told him in my crying parts of being vulnerable.  He used the things I told him against me.  Let me repeat that so I don’t forget it in my healing journey….HE USED THE THINGS I SHARED WHEN I WAS VUNERABLE AGAINST ME.
He brought up my past relationships and the scary things I shared with him.
I didn’t cheat on him.  I tried to explain that the conversation I had with an ex was by definition , inappropriate, but it wasn’t cheating.
I wanted out though so I let him tell me what a fucked up human I was.  I let him say all the things I wanted to say to my ex, but wasn’t given that opportunity.
That was what I was thinking about last night when I remembered the conversation I did have with an ex during the break up and my heart hurt for a minute.  I had forgotten that conversation.  Forgot a ton because I didn’t process it.  I am now though.