I had sat down this morning to purge the demons I have inside right now, but my friend asked me how I was doing.
I’m doing okay, but not doing okay.  If anyone would understand that, it’s her. I explained that current me is okay, but past me is destroyed and I need to just pivot.  I need to shove it down and move on.  My therapist thought this was a shit idea and I needed to explore it deeper.
She said that writing it down would be good and that way I could explore the space it is in and…well honestly I just thought about ‘writing it down’.  FUCK TO THE NO am I going to write down that level of hurt onto something for the world to see….unless….it’s in a book.
My brain started pulling together the character that would house all these things I have inside of me.
When I was halfway through the character building I stepped back and looked at her, “For fuck sake…there is no happy ending for this girl, she’s going to be a supporting character in a future book I work on.
AND THEN I realized how writing it down and sitting in the space helped.
That supporting character is me. I believe I am not worthy of a happy ending and I will manage to put her in a book I will write sometime when I’m done with the one I am working on, maybe…if I even remember her in the piles of character builds I have saved.

When someone hurts you, it’s not their responsibility to fix it.  I don’t need someone to say, “oh I am sorry, I was wrong….I know that that now.”  I need to … I don’t know.    I don’t know what to do.   Change the character build and make her strong?  Fuck, she’s already strong, what more can I do to fix her?

*sigh* I gotta go to work.