Every morning at 4 am I wake up and all the bullshit of my life wakes me up and screams in my face.
I’ve been up since 4 and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t go back to sleep because my anxiety decided it was time to catch up on all the things it thinks are important.
I’ve got a vacation coming up that was not one that I had planned, but was presented to me where I get to be a passenger princess.  There has never in my life been a vacation or even a simple road trip that I didn’t plan.
My travel agent did the leg work on both of my trips to Ireland, and the third one I planned it out.   The first trip I was a co-pilot and I was prepared for everything.  The second trip I was suppose to just sit back and enjoy, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to and I kept all the information in a book and good thing I did, because the person that should have done all that…did not do any of it.
The third trip I knew I was going to be the one that had to do everything and I was okay with it.
THIS trip I don’t know shit.  I handed over my credit card for the airline ticket and told Mick, “just get me there and I will be fine.”
I didn’t really have any expectations of traveling in 2024 because I am planning my trip to Scotland for 2025 and that’s going to be a doozy, but when life presents you with a chance to have an adventure where you have NO idea what you’re doing….you take it.
My brain at 4am though decided to brain-nap me and throw me in car where it drove me through all the anxieties I live with and shouted “SEE! THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T DESERVE GOOD THINGS!” and then before it tossed me out on the road it said, “Oh yeah, here’s a mental image you might want to dwell on for the next few days until I can come up with a better one…that might be real or might just be a fanciful one I came up with.”
So just like it was designed to, I dwelled. I regretted. I ruminated. I did not fall back to sleep.