If you wanna break my cold, cold heart
Just say, “I loved you the way that you were”

I changed therapists so I can have more inclusive meetings that encompass more than just me.   I didn’t miss my old therapist as much as I thought I would until recently. We had been really digging into finding the proper way to address situations that arise.  The new therapist is painting a whole picture of my childhood up until now and it’s fucking exhausting and I don’t feel like I have the time to really bring up anything petty.  In the hour we are talking we are going deep and saying, “so i was talking to {Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus} and they said…. and this is how I felt about that…”  because it seems stupid, it’s not the biggest issue in my life at the moment.

I’m fucking pissed and hurt more than I ever have in my whole life and I have to sit there and talk about the shit I had forgiven my family for in my early 20’s, but now I  have to dig them all up and let another stranger dissect them and poke at the wounds.   He’s not bad, he’s actually amazing…but the fact that I have to do this makes my skin crawl.

It’s frustrating when people that care about you give you accolades for being able to find love even though it didn’t work out with the last.  They may have been there during that time, but they didn’t feel the feelings, hear the words and know what it felt like to go through that break up, they saw me ‘bounce back’.  “you never gave up on love…”
I didn’t have a fucking choice.   I either got the fuck over it or I let it consume me.
It’s frustrating when people that care about you brag about how well you do when life gives you lemons.  “Kristine, your ability to just pick back up and keep going after all the hits…it’s awesome.” and then years later throw it in my face that I DID IT ALL WRONG….all the times I dusted off and went to work when I wanted to die, all the time I made dinner when my heart was shattered in my chest and ALL THE FUCKING TIMES in the shower when I was bawling because I didn’t understand how someone could hurt me so deeply…that pain that I thought I was doing my damn best  it TRAUMATIZED other people. MY LIFE was trauma educing.  The choices that I made so I can keep fucking going made other people uncomfortable.

Well, glad to see I served as something in people’s lives.