Oh. My. God.

I’m not going to say ANYTHING about the season two marathon I sat through because I want every single one of you to go get season one and season two of Nip/Tuck and watch them both.
and then you too will be saying…. Oh. My. God!

Last nights season premiere had a very large woman who had sat on the couch for 3 years and had become one with that couch. You know what started it? Her sciatic nerve. She got tired of walking around and having shooting pains down her leg. It felt better sitting than walking and housework became to much for her so she just sat down and never got up.
I sat there last night with my mouth just hanging down as this huge woman told my story.

Many times in television shows I hear something I never forget. In Sopranos, Dr Melfi said; “People have a desire to repeat things in their life, may they be good or bad.”

It was after watching that show of Sopranos that I decided to break up with the guy I was with. In fact, I got up after the episode was over and went home. I never went back. He wasn’t a pattern I wanted to keep repeating in my life.
Notice that I didn’t call him my boyfriend? He wasn’t. He was someone that used me and that I let manipulate me. I knew I was allowing it to happen, but I chose to tell myself and those around me that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just someone to kill the time. Rereading my journal from that time tells a different story. It’s painful to reread the things I wrote. The hurt, pain and frustration of trying to pretend that it didn’t matter. It did matter, not because I loved him…but because I loved myself and I was destroying myself trying to save face.

When I started this blog I thought back to how much more exciting it would have been if I had been writing it a year or two before I met Shaun. The characters would have been filled with exciting details and the adventures would have kept you all on your toes.
You all would have thought, “Wow, she is so interesting.”
I had to grab my journal to make sure I had the quote from Dr. Melfi right and in the process I started reading.
You wouldn’t have thought I was exciting. You would have saw me for who I was. Lonely, Pathetic and Sad. I thought I had this wall up because I was afraid to look like a fool. Rereading my life makes me feel sad for that fool that had the wall up.

I would never want to go back to that time in my life. In fact, just rereading about it makes me want to cry. I didn’t think it was so bad during that time. Times were good. Friends were everywhere. In my journal I wrote the quote, “I have to believe that something extraordinary is going to happen.” and then I wrote, ‘That is what I’m waiting for. I’m holding out for the extraordinary.’

This is my extraordinary. This time right now. These children. This man. This blog. You. Me. This life is extraordinary.
How did I get here? What did I do right?
Was it just saying that I was going to hold out for it, or was it getting up off that couch and walking out the door?

Last night on Nip/Tuck I saw myself at 500 lbs because it hurt to get up and move around. It hurt to get up off that guys couch and walk out the door too.

I’m not going to look back two years from now and realize all I needed to do was to make it hurt for a little while to make it all better…to make it extraordinary.