There is this song by Alanis Morisette that I heard one night while sitting in my garage trying to piece together what was left of my sanity.
Every time I hear the song, I remember that moment in time (2003) and how confused and scared I was. The song actually allowed me to get up and move again.
I have been wanting to post it and give what I am ’thankful’ for.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
For me, this meant…there were things I was trying to do to ’heal’ myself and it was all the wrong things.

how bout stopping eating when I’m full up
Or how about stopping eating before I am so full I am sick.

how bout them transparent dangling carrots
I kept doing things, thinking that if I did it thier way, everyone would be happy. I kept falling for that trick. I still do.

how bout that ever elusive kudo
How many times do I have to keep doing those same things thinking people will notice and say, “Wow Kristine, great job.” No matter what it was, personal or business.

thank you india
Meditate
thank you terror
Remember to be prepared.
thank you disillusionment
Nothing is what it seems. NOTHING.
thank you frailty
I too can get hurt.
thank you consequence
Do unto others and you would have done unto you.
thank you thank you silence
These moments alone in my garage is exactly what I need.

how bout me not blaming you for everything
It’s not all your fault. I take blame.

how bout me enjoying the moment for once
The next moment when I get up and leave is always what was I was thinking, with anyone.

how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
We couldn’t be where we are today if I didn’t.

how bout grieving it all one at a time
I was spending days, months and years grieving for something that didn’t need to be grieved for anymore.

thank you india
It’s okay to dance, chant and sing for no reason.
thank you terror
Be grateful for the safety you have RIGHT NOW.
thank you disillusionment
My parents had their own problems, they weren’t mine. They weren’t my fault.
thank you frailty
Being knocked down makes you look at being able to stand on your feet in a whole new light.
thank you consequence
There is a bed and you will make it and you will ’lie’ in it.
thank you thank you silence
Don’t talk, just listen.

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

This was the part that reached in and shook me. I knew I was holding on to something bigger than I was. If I could just get past that and let go, I would be given something healthy to replace it.
Being able to ’jump off of it’ allowed me to open up to not being in control of the situation and that allowed me to feel like I was standing on my own two feet.

how bout no longer being masochistic
I beat the living shit out of myself, mentally.

how bout remembering your divinity
Find that little girl who could talk to God and listen back.

how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
Yes, hearing this let me know that it was okay to just let it out for no reason.

how bout not equating death with stopping (i heard starving)
The use of words here. How often do we say ’starving’ and there is a chance that no one will ever know what it truly means to ’starve’ even close to death. Show respect with the words you use.

What a strange time in my life. I am so grateful to have this memory so vivid. It’s a reminder of who I am and how I got ’here’.
I no longer have dangling carrots. I am working on the other ones…