Because when I open my mouth, I complain. I bitch. I burst into tears.

When I start typing my fingers get angry and I start to curse like a drunken sailor.

When I am awake I am pissed and gazing turns into glaring.

When everyone in the room is out to get me and drive me mad.

I read something today that pretty much sums up 85% of my mood:

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

Am I wrong?

For those of you with small children or ‘tweens’. This is my advice to you:
1. If you’re not friends with your parents, MAKE UP NOW, because when those little bastards turn 14 you’re going to want to send them to live with your parents. Start kissing major ass now, you’ll want their help.

2. Start digging a bigggggg ass hole somewhere below your house, one that no one knows about. In this big hole, install television, running water, plumbing and a fridge. No, you will not send your children to live there, YOU WILL LIVE THERE! You will go to this happy place that has a lock and all the stuff you don’t want your kids to remove from your room. Do not tell the children about this room. If you’re not in home, you’re not home. They don’t need to know where you are. Hell, tell them you’re at the casino. It works for me. I just go drive around the corner, sit in my car and cry. The poor officer that use to come to make sure I hadn’t broke down just brings me coffee, chocolate and more cigarettes.

3. They don’t flunk kids anymore. Nope. they give them ‘NM’ no marks. Because how do you become a California Distinguished school if you have failing kids. It looks better than an F. By the time YOUR kids are grown up they won’t have grades, they will have colors to represent what ‘grade’ they have…or maybe just symbols of fruits. Who knows, but God forbid they don’t get the funding they need (and they need it) if a student is FLUNKING. Do they even use that word anymore? I don’t think it’s politically correct. “OMG, my child has FOUR ORANGES!” what the hell????

4. Don’t get your kids thinking that if they don’t listen you can take it away. That doesn’t work. You lose the ‘cool mom’ status to the ‘omg, your mother is raging bitch’ status. Of course, it’s the parents fault. OF COURSE it’s my fault, I didn’t do my kids homework for them last night AND HAND IT IN FOR THEM.

5. Do you want me to go on with my angry fingers typing?

So, now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go nail some jelly to a tree.