I was asked a question today, “Where you happy you left?”

No. I have to answer that question as honestly as I possibly can.  When I was married the first time and I stepped out of my first marriage, I did it the chicken shit way out.
The song, “Landslide” has a lyric that said, “I built my life around you.” I did. I built my whole world around someone and a dream of what I thought I wanted.  Well, that landslide brought me down.

In the beginning of phases of me ‘losing my fucking mind’, I heard “Home” by Sheryl Crow.  I don’t think she intended it to be the anthem of unhappily married women around the world, but that was MY song. I listened to it and understood it on levels that NO ONE ELSE, EVER, EVER, would get. Yeah, because I was the first unhappy person in a marriage, right?

I made a promise
Said it everyday
Now I’m reading romance novels
And I’m dreaming of yesterday

Those lyrics where soulfully sang by non other than my miserable self, over and over.  I played the ‘what if’ game. “What if I had done THIS instead…” and then let my mind roam down that path.  That path was always better than the reality of where I was.
Someday, someday I was going to make it better.  Then a year later, I would be sitting there singing again thinking to myself, “I thought I said ‘someday i was going to make it better’?  I should have done something then. I was more fired up then. Now I have one more reason to stay. I can’t afford to leave….I wonder…what if….”

I’m going crazy
A little everyday
And everything I wanted
Is now driving me away
I woke this morning
To the sound of breaking hearts
Mine is full of questions
And it’s tearing yours apart…

“Was I happy I left?”
I am now.   But honestly, there were whole hours, days and months that living in my own skin was unbearable. I wanted out so badly and then when I got out, I was made to feel like this horrible person.  Because I was ‘out’, I was no longer worthy of happiness.
It didn’t matter that I begged for help, for someone to talk to, a counceller, a therapist, anyone. It didn’t matter that it felt like my whole world was caving in around my ears; but when his heart broke, then all the sudden the WHOLE WORLD listened and I was asked, “Why didn’t you just ask for help?”
This is something, even after all these years I battle with.  If this is something you can relate to, please know you’re not alone.  I was there. I hit that wall.  Someday, you will wake in the morning and say, “whoa…I think I might be okay today.”