Alright, I’m ready to talk.

It’s not too hard to figure out the combination of not eating, listening to The Commodores on repeat and chain smoking.  Marital problems.

For those of you that have been reading from day one know that the river that Shaun and I float on is not always smooth sailing.  In fact there have been more times I have envisioned taking the oars and beating the life out of him and smiling at the thought of his lifeless body washing up on shore.  Perhaps I wasn’t THAT graphic in my writings before. Perhaps I should delete that last sentence. I wont.

When Shaun and I met, neither one of us were that interested in being in a relationship. It just sort of happened that we started spending more time with anyone else that were seeing.  When our ‘dating’ time ended we went our different ways and because we both missed the friend we had in each other, we started hanging out again 6 months later.  Never in a million years would I have ever guessed the words, “I do.” would escape my lips.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved him. What’s not to love? I just never wanted to be married again.  It had no interest in that sort of pain I caused someone before. I have this fridge magnet that says, “Why get married and make one man miserable when I be single and make hundreds miserable?”  In the morning I would meander to the fridge to pull the coffee creamer out and see that beacon and think to myself, “Yeah, it’s time for that one to go.”   It may sound callous, but honestly I think I felt like I was doing the right thing for them.
Thinking back at that time in my life, I am reminded of my wonderful sister and when she was introduced to one of the guys I was seeing.  She was so sweet when she so honestly said to this man that it was nice to meet him and that I was going to chew him up, spit him out and leave him heartbroken.   He laughed and thought my sister was the funniest woman, second to me.  When it was over she said to me, “It’s not like I didn’t warn him.”

Shaun and I sat up until 5 am this morning talking.  We had this choice to make. Either we were done, or we tried to work it out.
You know that saying right, ‘First time; shame on you. Second time; shame on me’?   I don’t really have a high threshold for third time offenders. In fact, after my marriage…my threshold went to zero.  You didn’t really have to do anything wrong and I would be done and you would never see me again.
When I got married I knew that I was going to have to take the good with the bad.  I just didn’t know it was going to be so fucking hard.  Knee jerk reaction is to shut down all emotions and go ice cold and ask them very politely to get the hell out of my life and don’t bother coming back.

My daughter asked me the other day, “Mom, are you and Shaun going to get a divorce?”   Shaun and I are the silent fighters and honestly no would know how hard it has been for both of us, if we didn’t tell them.  I think Kara was born to know exactly when something was wrong with me.  There was never hiding anything from her.  There are things she needs to know, but not until I figure out what the answer is going to be.  I began to cry and said, “I don’t know.”  Why lie to her, I had broken her heart before and I wasn’t going to do that to her again. “I hurt right now and I don’t know how to make that hurt stop.”
She was also born with the ability to make me laugh when I am crying too. After talking to her and Marina I felt better. I informed them that’s it’s okay if they don’t ever want to have a boyfriend.  The 6th most miserable morning, I ended up giggling in the bed with my two teenage daughters.  I finally decided to eat.

So, after hours of talking and talking (mostly him, he won’t ever shut up) we decided that we are going to get therapy and marriage counseling.  When we know exactly what happened with us and can put a name to it, we can get through it. Hope and Faith is what I am leaning on right now.

No marriage is perfect and I have done a fine job making it seem like it is…I’m good at that. If you’re wondering how I managed to pull that one off, go read this book called, “Co-Dependant No More”.  It’s amazing huh? You read someone for 4 years and you think you know every detail of their life.  *shrug* not so much.

Many of you know this pain and it’s deep,   painful and gut wrenching.  I’m done pretending that it doesn’t hurt and the journey ahead is really fucked up for the people in our lives.  We had to inform our dearest friends and family today that we love them very much and we know they have problems, but for the next six months we are only focusing on us and saving our lives.  We are going to be pretty much useless when it comes to any problems that people have in their lives.  We are begging them to understand that at home, at work and in our personal lives that people only come to us with positive shit.

This is the point where I fall to my knees in the hallway and slide all the way to the side of the bed with my hands in prayer and yell to God, “ENOUGH. Okay, FINE…you win. I WILL START PRAYING AGAIN! I NEED YOU!”

Baby steps again, Doctor Marvin. Fucking Baby steps.