At some point I was going to have to start writing about the dating scene.  Not exactly sure where to start with this, but let’s try it out anyway.

I’m not saying I’m dating or seeing anyone in particular…because that’s the truth. Let’s just go with what I was told when I my marriage ended, we are just “Hanging out”.

I’ve found in the past month or so, I suck at ‘hanging out’.
Being VERY clear with people about, “Not ready to make a commitment. Not ready to get back into that. Just want to have fun.” just isn’t enough.  I know I said in the past I will never get a tattoo, but I am thinking, “NO, I REALLY MEAN WHAT I SAY” in dark black, outlined in gun metal gray and highlighted in blood red across my forehead might be a good choice for me to get.
They seem to understand what I am saying for the first couple of dates and then all the sudden it gets to the point where I feel horrible guilt if they get closer than they thought they would.
“I’m sorry.” doesn’t seem to cover the hurt feelings anymore.

I’m starting to understand why people leave though. I just can’t be what they think I should be, even if I told them from the start that I am hurt and scared shitless.
No one gets to see the Kristine that cries herself to sleep. No one gets to see the Kristine that will stare at the ringing phone from a concerned friend because she knows if she answers that phone her throat will close and the tears won’t stop. No one hangs out with the Kristine that just wants to stand up and scream out of frustration.
No one gets to see that person, because I won’t let them. I get up. I go to work. I do my job. I go home. On the weekends I go jump out of planes and laugh and joke. No one sees me cry anymore.

No one will.

And because no one will, they think I am strong. I am over it. I have moved on and i’m in a better place doing wonderful things and meeting fantastic people.
Yeah, I’m a better person…but I still freaking hurt 90% of the time and I am still finding new things on a daily basis that rip my heart out.   Today a friend accidentally touched my ring finger and it felt like someone spilled battery acid on me.

It gets better. I know. But right now…I’m not ready.