Trying to fit your hand inside of mine when we know it just don’t belong

Author: randomandodd  |  Category: Random

People come into your life for a reason and I keep wondering why my past came to visit me in the second half of my life and I keep getting gentle reminders. This weekend I met this young kid who was hanging out at the trash bin at my apartment complex. I struck up a conversation with him and found that he was homeless and doing some couch surfing to get out of his hometown of Stockton because he got into drugs and he didn’t want that lifestyle for him and his dog. We talked for a good 30 minutes and we shared stories. I explained some of the things I had just recently went through and as I was describing some of the things that happened he was shaking his head yes. He said, “He was on meth. That was me and that is classic meth behavior.” I asked him if he would ever be able to look back and know that what he thought was real was just a delusion. He didn’t know because he’s not sure what was real and what was made up in his world when he was in it.
He told me that the story I told him will steer him in the direction he needs to be going. His stories will remind me that there is goodness in everyone and if you want it bad enough, you can overcome the most evil in this world…you just need your reasons. I was not reason enough to leave meth alone.

I lost my father in law recently and went to his celebration of life. Seeing his family and telling the girls about how it went got us all to talking about stories from their youth. Alyx talked about how when she was little and she was sick that Shaun was always there to help take care of her. We laughed about stories of when all the kids were sick and we had the washing machine going non stop. We tag teamed sleeping and making sure the kids were taken care of. It was the first time in a long time that I got to hear good stories and not the sad ones. It’s been a very long time since they even spoke of that time in our lives. The girls are excited about reconnecting with Jessie. I am so impressed with how well the young kids have been raised. They are all such amazing kids in that family. I also got to see my Gma Billie. I longed for the times when we could sit at the table and talk for hours and listen to her and Gma Baland’s stories. She touched my face like she always did and said, “I never forgot you and think of you often. I miss our long phone calls.” I promised to come see her and listen to her talk. Sharon, of course, carried herself with a spine of steel. Watching the family move around the room and comfort others even though they were the ones broken with sadness was incredible to watch and made my heart break for them all. Seeing Shaun tell stories and his voice crack made me cry. Knowing how much he loved his dad and he was now gone, just heartbreaking. It killed me to see pictures. I loved that man SO very much and I am so mad that I waited so long before I called and talked to them again. I’m also glad that I did get that time to tell him all the things I never got to say.
Despite the circumstance, Shaun looked happy and supported. I’m glad because he does so much for others, i’m glad he’s not alone in the world.

I move out of Rocklin at the end of the month. Time to start new adventures. This is one of my gentle reminders from the past. E told me that it was sad that I was in this dark box of an apartment all alone. I didn’t see it before and always thought of it as my sanctuary, but maybe he was right. Time to get out and meet new people and start living.

2017 I go to Ireland with my mBFF and that will hopefully spark a bunch more trips for both of us. We both need to get out and do things with people that don’t expect more than what we can give them. I’m not ready for a relationship. Do I want to be with someone and in love? Absolutely, but it’s not the right time for me. I am still processing a lot of shit that I never processed.

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