I went to Redding this weekend and my sister and I had couple of nice hikes.
We went to some waterfalls up in Mt. Shasta and then made our way over to a lake to walk off our lunch.
We came across this bridge that a bunch of kids were jumping off of. There was this young blonde girl and her boyfriend standing on the edge. She laughed and let go. He jumped in right after her. I walked to the edge to see the two had entangled in an embrace and were kissing. Tears instantly filled my eyes.
E use to talk with such love when he spoke of our time as kids when we would jump off the cliffs of Whispering Waters back behind my old house. The last time he was out there he said he could smell us out there. I didn’t fully understand what he meant. There was no way our scent had stuck around for 25 years for him to smell. As I stood out there and watched the couple swim off to the island I took a deep inhale of air. I could smell my youth. It was the smell of sunshine, warm pine needles and wet skin. Yes, I could smell us.
The lump in my throat showed me that despite knowing that it was an unhealthy relationship and I am better off, that need for my innocence to not be sullied by what happened was something that still hurt.
I finally had that conversation with my daughter. She laughed and cracked jokes. I didn’t really expect anything different, but it sucked having to tell her those things.
When I think about it now I have to keep telling myself that I am grateful for this time and be happy that I got to love with 100% of my heart one more time. I didn’t leave anything left unsaid. I made some amazing memories that I will carry with me until I die.
Being up there was harder than even I had prepared myself for. Passing the exit off of I-5, looking at the moon and stars…just about everything was a reminder. It will get easier and I told myself that a million times when I was there, “I will forget all the little details someday and everything will be fine.”
I know, you’re sick of hearing it as much I am saying it…cry me a river, right?