After I realized that I wasn’t in any position to move forward, I decided I couldn’t stay in that place. I had been in that place before and it wasn’t a healthy place for me to be. To those around me, I am doing fine and they don’t even ask how I am doing anymore (except my step daughter who knows that even though I am smiling and say i am fine–it’s a lie and she calls me on it).
I have a handful of friends that I have allowed to know the true details of what happened and how fucked up sad I am from it. I have a few friends that don’t know details, don’t care what happened, but just wanna be there to make me laugh and move into the new place in my life.
I am grateful for both sets of friends.
Once a week I have dinner with friends. I have been doing this for a long time, but of course when I get into a relationship my friends fall aside and I throw myself away and I lose friends. Thank God for the friends that love and know me…and forgive me for this act of blind love stupidity.
Last week I went to dinner downtown with my mBFF and we made a pact to not get into a relationship with anyone for a year. We put money on it and set up some ground rules (which both of us will probably find loop holes in) as to not lose the bet. We are both Aries and we love being in love…but we have both been burned before.
Now some people think that men and women can’t be friends without some sort of sexual underlying thing to it. This is bullshit. Complete bullshit. We have been friends for over 16 years and nothing has ever happened between us. We have both been single and drunk as fuck and in the same bed and nothing has ever happened because both of us don’t see each other like that. Maybe that’s a rare thing, I don’t know.
When I told him that my ex thought that there was something going on between us he said, “Did you tell him, EWWWWW?” I had to laugh because I told him that is EXACTLY what I said!
Not that my friend is gross, or I am gross. Not that my friend wouldn’t make a wonderful companion, but not with me…Ewww. Anyone that is our mutual friends know that we are siblings that just have different parents.
So, our pact allows us to go on dates with people. This was such an odd thing to say, because that thought alone is just terrifying still. It’s going to be a good long time before I trust anyone enough to do that. Until then my friends are stuck going to dinner with me once a week and my hiking/running friends dragging me out of the house.
There doesn’t feel like a time in the day that I am not impacted by what happened. I’m ready to be mad that anyone would believe such horrible things about me.
There are moments when I think about all the things we did get to do in the short amount of time we were allowed to have together and the things we shared through letters and I am baffled why his mind would believe what it does. There was nothing in all the years we’ve known each other that would even direct him on a path to thinking I would have ever, ever, ever….EVER done p**n.
I do too much thinking in the car and yesterday on the way home I was thinking about how much fun we had riding roller coasters. I smiled and then got angry instantly. It’s not fair! Why couldn’t his mind think GOOD things about me? I don’t know, I have to stop trying to figure out why things happened the way they did and just accept the fact that it is what it is and it’s over. I will never know how his life turned out. Since we were 14 years old I have always known where and how he was doing…and now I can’t. I can’t even ask anymore because now it won’t be because I am his friend and I want to catch up. It will be too painful to know that he’s not doing good, too painful to know he’s doing amazing (without me).
I’m just going to keep moving forward, putting band-aids on these bullet holes and maybe it will be alright.