Another weekend in the books.
I had a Celebration of Life BBQ I went to on Saturday. My friend, Midori has terminal liver cancer and all of her hockey family got together to give her some love and spend some time with her.
I met Midori while I was scorekeeping a few years ago. It was a job to just have a few extra dollars between the photo shoots and weddings I was busy doing. I was at the rink all the time anyway because my boyfriend played hockey there on Sundays. Midori was quiet, but she was fun to hang out with. I use to play her dance music and watch her in the stands as she cheered on her husband. She would dance and always had the greatest smile. After my boyfriend and I broke up she kept in touch. Always sending a text when I needed it the most. She’s a believer and one day after she found out she had cancer I asked her how she was doing and she said, “I am grateful and give thanks to the Lord for cancer.” I was stunned. She explained that she is stronger because of it and her walk with the Lord is more clear now. She knows what is truly important in this life.
I am a better person because this amazing woman calls me ‘friend’. The best thing about being her friend is that I wouldn’t have to explain that last sentence to any of her friends because I know they all feel the exact same way. She has makes us better.
After the BBQ I was surrounded by my old friends, Kent and Jennifer. We had pizza, laughed and talked about old times when we use to live in this townhouse in Redding. I love the stories they remember. We ended the night going out to get frozen yogurt and listening to Shea tell us all about Pokemon Go.
I’m thinking about moving. There is a place downtown that I am thinking about. If it falls through, I still think I am ready to leave Rocklin. I only stayed because of the girls getting through high school. I wanted to be here for them and because of it I am struggling financially trying to stay in this overpriced apartment. It’s time to get into a new place that doesn’t cost me so much and has a better commute to and from work. If I live downtown I won’t fight the traffic going up to Fair Oaks and on the way home everyone is leaving downtown to go back home. Either way it will need to be closer to where I work. I am tired of the drive. The girls are doing their own things now and it’s time to go.
That’s pretty much it. The heartbreak is getting better. I’m not sad anymore. I am not angry anymore. Confused as fuck, but I just have to shake my head when I think about it and remember that there was no logic to the things that were said. The dreams are lessening. The one I had the other night was about a house built on a cliff overlooking the ocean. During low tide it was beautiful. Everything you would ever wish for in a home. I was walking for the door and a giant wave hit and I could feel it in my chest. I turned around to look out of the front of the house that was all glass and another giant wave hit causing the whole house to move and go completely white. It scared me. I walked over to the glass and I put my hand on it as the next wave hit and I said, “I can’t live here.” I knew that even though it was everything I ever wanted, there would be these violent waves that would have me scared the rest of the time. That pretty much summed up my relationship with E.
In the last conversation I had with his mother she said, “You dodged a bullet. You don’t have to live with this craziness.”
As time passes, I see that is true.