SELF: preservation



It’s been about 5 months that I have been exploring the single life.  I seem to be doing really well.  In the past month I have stood up for myself recently and because of it I have lost a friend.  It’s time to remove people from my life that are not beneficial to my well being.

At my last appointment my doctor told me that I can’t avoid dating.  I understand why he said I shouldn’t completely avoid seeing people,  but I am doing fine by myself and I am learning so much.   Last night I was talking to my sister and I was explaining to her what I’m going through and she pointed something out to me that made me see that maybe being a hermit isn’t the smartest thing for me to be doing.  She brought me all the way back to my marriage with Shaun.  He was my best friend and there was never really any intimacy.  That marriage, even though wasn’t a abusive, anger fueled relationship, it was toxic.   I was craving a love that he couldn’t provide.  After that I got together with someone who couldn’t love anyone but himself.  He not only loved himself, he hated himself and that is a fucked up combination.   It was the relationship I like to call ‘Eggshells’.  That lasted far too long and in the process it messed me up more than I care to admit.   My last relationship was everything a woman could hope for, but I just couldn’t do it.   I have this huge path in front of me that I need to be on and I am okay walking it alone…but then my sister points out that I’m a skydiver and I jump out of planes and I shouldn’t be afraid to give people a chance.

My doctor is afraid that I will spend this year avoiding dealing with the issues that make being in a relationship difficult for me and when I do decide to go back, I will think that all those things will have miraculously worked themselves out.  They won’t work themselves out because the common denominator is ME.  Until I figure out how to be with someone and say, “I don’t see this going anywhere.” and walk away without feeling like if I just try harder it will eventually get better.  I did that with every single relationship and it has never worked for me.  If I find myself with someone that I do like, I can’t be so damn cold because I don’t believe in the fairy tale ending.

Preservation of Self.   It’s a lonely place.  I don’t subscribe to lonely anymore, so I guess it’s just a quiet place that I can make whatever I want.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

One Comment

  • Kelly

    Long time reader here. :) This post really resonated with me, especially “I can’t be so damn cold because I don’t believe in the fairy tale ending.” I am in the same place, only different. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m past the hurt and well into “indifference.” Like you I’ve found that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely and I absolutely love what you said about that: “…it’s just a quiet place that I can make whatever I want.” That’s pretty much how I look at it too.
    For me, the saying a ‘good man is hard to find’ is akin to looking for a unicorn: you’ve heard they exist but damned if you can find any evidence that they really do. If Mr. Perfect came riding up on a white steed I probably wouldn’t recognize it anyhow since I’ve only been exposed to Mr. Wrong. I miss the companionship but I’m no longer willing to “settle” for someone who is counter-intuitive to my journey just for the sake of being with someone either (and many, many people are okay with that). I find that it’s easier for me to not make myself available because the primary lesson that I’ve learned in my relationships is that it is most likely not my lot, fate or destiny to have that fairy tale relationship whether due to “my issues,” “their issues” and the inevitable, “our issues.” How many times do you have to get burned to learn? I’ve also found that at this point in my life I don’t have nor want to carve out the time for “one more thing” to take care of (and partnerships are something that you have to take care of and nurture). I also think this is a hard concept for many people to truly understand because being part of a couple is so deeply ingrained (“You just haven’t found the right person yet!” “You just need to give someone a chance!”).
    All of this to simply say that you need to feel comfortable on your journey and where this path is leading you: do the work (self- reflection, self-preservation) because until you can love and trust YOU, it’s going to be inherently difficult for Mr Wonderful to if that is where your path leads. And, if along your way should you see a herd of unicorns or other mythical creatures, hook a sister up. ;)