Random and Odd

SELF: preservation



It’s been about 5 months that I have been exploring the single life.  I seem to be doing really well.  In the past month I have stood up for myself recently and because of it I have lost a friend.  It’s time to remove people from my life that are not beneficial to my well being.

At my last appointment my doctor told me that I can’t avoid dating.  I understand why he said I shouldn’t completely avoid seeing people,  but I am doing fine by myself and I am learning so much.   Last night I was talking to my sister and I was explaining to her what I’m going through and she pointed something out to me that made me see that maybe being a hermit isn’t the smartest thing for me to be doing.  She brought me all the way back to my marriage with Shaun.  He was my best friend and there was never really any intimacy.  That marriage, even though wasn’t a abusive, anger fueled relationship, it was toxic.   I was craving a love that he couldn’t provide.  After that I got together with someone who couldn’t love anyone but himself.  He not only loved himself, he hated himself and that is a fucked up combination.   It was the relationship I like to call ‘Eggshells’.  That lasted far too long and in the process it messed me up more than I care to admit.   My last relationship was everything a woman could hope for, but I just couldn’t do it.   I have this huge path in front of me that I need to be on and I am okay walking it alone…but then my sister points out that I’m a skydiver and I jump out of planes and I shouldn’t be afraid to give people a chance.

My doctor is afraid that I will spend this year avoiding dealing with the issues that make being in a relationship difficult for me and when I do decide to go back, I will think that all those things will have miraculously worked themselves out.  They won’t work themselves out because the common denominator is ME.  Until I figure out how to be with someone and say, “I don’t see this going anywhere.” and walk away without feeling like if I just try harder it will eventually get better.  I did that with every single relationship and it has never worked for me.  If I find myself with someone that I do like, I can’t be so damn cold because I don’t believe in the fairy tale ending.

Preservation of Self.   It’s a lonely place.  I don’t subscribe to lonely anymore, so I guess it’s just a quiet place that I can make whatever I want.