This year I am making actual resolutions. Normally what happens is about 10 minutes before midnight I come up with something stupid that I have to do one year solid.
A couple of examples was while at the old folks bar I use to hang out with, I decided that I would have to have a green olive every time I was there. I hate green olives with a passion, so this would be hard to stick to.
It was so hard when the bartenders there were my witness, so the moment I would walk into the place they would push an olive on a tooth pick for me and make me eat it before they would put my Captain and Coke together for me.
Another year, Tyler and I decided at the last minute that we would go a whole year without listening to Fall Out Boys. It was more of a self preservation act because it was during the time that the girls were obsessed with them and we were going to either Thelma and Louise it off a cliff or beat them to death with their Ipods.
This last year goes down as the worst year of my life. I was stupid enough to keep saying, “How much worse can it get?” and Karma/God/Higher Spirit would then release a swarm of locust to invade my life or a rash that would take over my whole body. I am still learning to veer away from ever asking that question.
In this year, though…I have learned so very much about myself, my friends, my body and how much I can take before I bend so far I snap. 2008 was going to be the best year because I had convinced myself that it was. The first half wasn’t so bad, but then again, It was THAT good either. This last month has been like someone finally handed me a flash light and said, “Take a peek.” and the dark corners of my life scared me. There was also some other things I saw that brought back some wonderful feelings. There use to be this one girl who had the world in her hands and was not afraid of it. The last six months have scared me to death.
This month is just a nice, gentle segue into my new life. I may never be that girl who ran head first into any situation and never feared the outcome. I may never be able to stray to far from the life I have now because of the limitations my health has put on me, but damn it if I am not going to try. Some people have said, “Die trying.” and I always thought that was a stupid thing to say…now I get it. I’m going to fall in love with the new life I have ahead of me…or die trying.
“Get busy living, or get busy dying.” Andy Dufresne The Shawshank Redemption.
For those for of you that are at peace. I hope 2009 leaves you with more of that. For those of you ready to step off and take more than you think you can handle…grab my hand, I’m jumping with you. For everyone of you, I hope 2009 is full of Hope and beauty.