It’s been nearly a month that I have been off my anti-anxiety medication. The first couple of weeks were hard. The third week was total bliss. This fourth week is trial and error.
In the first couple of weeks, I didn’t tell anyone that I had ran out of pills and was choosing not to refill them. It took some time for my body to realize that I wasn’t on any medication and when it did, I got bombarded with ‘zaps’ of anxiety. A ‘zap’ isn’t a medical term, it’s a Kristine-term. Imagine if you will sitting on the couch minding your own business and someone comes up behind you and scares the living shit out of you. That is a ‘zap’. I got about 40 of those in an hour. 24 hours a day.
After the ‘zaps’ started to balance out to 15 an hour and then to 5 an hour, I began getting this strange “I’m on LCD” feeling.
For the first time in nearly 2 years, I wanted to get out of the house and go places. The bummer was driving while ‘not medicated’. Certain that I would die if someone decided to merge into my lane, I chose to wait out the ‘zaps’. The ‘fuzzy feeling’ of week 3 was worse than the ‘zaps’. I swear, if I could bottle the shit that was floating around in my head, I could sell it for thousands. People would pay good money to enjoy the euphoric feeling my brain was sending me.
During the last week, I even stopped taking medication to sleep. Whoa. Never again will I take medication to sleep. It’s better to just stay awake for 5 days straight then try to fall asleep without medication after being on it for years.
So, here I am. Clean of all medication and souped up on vitamins.
How am I doing?
On an hourly basis, I am reminded of WHY I was on medication. What is going on with the ‘firing in my brain’ is clearly off. I understand this. This isn’t my fault. I think that was the first thing I needed to except. With that knowledge, I am able to see it for what it is, ‘a faulty brain’.
Learning to fall asleep, be tired and let go was hard, but I was certain it was going to be worse. It was absolutely the hardest part though.
Now to the part that I am blessed/cursed with. I LOVE getting out the house again. Oh my GOD, I had forgotten what it was like to be able to just walk out of the house and go. I thought for sure, being on the medication, It would give me the ‘power’ to get out. It did in the beginning, but as the months turned into years, I found that the comfort of ‘under the covers’ was so much better.
There hasn’t been a day in a month that I settled for being in the house all day. I must get out and feel the sun.
Now for the cursed part. On medication; “Whatever.” without medication; “NO!”
I will not put up with the bullshit that I had put up with during my medicated years. When I am pissed off, you’ll know about it. When I feel like I am being used, I will cut you out of my life faster than you’ll have a chance to say you’re sorry.
My way or the highway. I am in charge of this life and if you’re lucky enough to be a part of it, you respect me. If you’re not, you’re not going to hear about it, you’re going to just find yourself scratching your head saying, “Whoa…what happened. I had used her as a doormat before and she didn’t mind.”
My Aries fire is back.
I’m happy though. Even with the ‘zaps’ and the ‘no bullshit’ outlook. I think I can manage it.
I can do this. Welcome 2008.