Random and Odd

L.A. traffic is bad this time of year

It’s been nearly a month that I have been off my anti-anxiety medication.  The first couple of weeks were hard. The third week was total bliss. This fourth week is trial and error.

In the first couple of weeks, I didn’t tell anyone that I had ran out of pills and was choosing not to refill them.  It took some time for my body to realize that I wasn’t on any medication and when it did, I got bombarded with ‘zaps’ of anxiety.  A ‘zap’ isn’t a medical term, it’s a Kristine-term.  Imagine if you will sitting on the couch minding your own business and someone comes up behind you and scares the living shit out of you.  That is a ‘zap’.  I got about 40 of those in an hour.  24 hours a day.

After the ‘zaps’ started to balance out to 15 an hour and then to 5 an hour, I began getting this strange “I’m on LCD” feeling.
For the first time in nearly 2 years, I wanted to get out of the house and go places.  The bummer was driving while ‘not medicated’.   Certain that I would die if someone decided to merge into my lane, I chose to wait out the ‘zaps’.  The ‘fuzzy feeling’ of week 3 was worse than the ‘zaps’.  I swear, if I could bottle the shit that was floating around in my head, I could sell it for thousands. People would pay good money to enjoy the euphoric feeling my brain was sending me.

During the last week, I even stopped taking medication to sleep.  Whoa. Never again will I take medication to sleep.  It’s better to just stay awake for 5 days straight then try to fall asleep without medication after being on it for years.

So, here I am.  Clean of all medication and souped up on vitamins.

How am I doing?

On an hourly basis, I am reminded of WHY I was on medication.   What is going on with the ‘firing in my brain’ is clearly off. I understand this.  This isn’t my fault.  I think that was the first thing I needed to except. With that knowledge, I am able to see it for what it is, ‘a faulty brain’.
Learning to fall asleep, be tired and let go was hard, but I was certain it was going to be worse.  It was absolutely the hardest part though.

Now to the part that I am blessed/cursed with.  I LOVE getting out the house again.  Oh my GOD, I had forgotten what it was like to be able to just walk out of the house and go.  I thought for sure, being on the medication, It would give me the ‘power’ to get out. It did in the beginning, but as the months turned into years, I found that the comfort of ‘under the covers’ was so much better.
There hasn’t been a day in a month that I settled for being in the house all day.  I must get out and feel the sun.

Now for the cursed part.  On medication; “Whatever.”  without medication; “NO!”
I will not put up with the bullshit that I had put up with during my medicated years.  When I am pissed off, you’ll know about it.  When I feel like I am being used, I will cut you out of my life faster than you’ll have a chance to say you’re sorry.
My way or the highway. I am in charge of this life and if you’re lucky enough to be a part of it, you respect me.  If you’re not, you’re not going to hear about it, you’re going to just find yourself scratching your head saying, “Whoa…what happened. I had used her as a doormat before and she didn’t mind.”

My Aries fire is back.

I’m happy though. Even with the ‘zaps’ and the ‘no bullshit’ outlook.  I think I can manage it.

I can do this. Welcome 2008.