Shaun watched over my shoulder as I changed my layout again.
“Why that picture?” he asked.
“It’s how I feel.”
All I can say, is that is how I am feeling right now.
Saying that I am ‘depressed’ isn’t easy for me. It’s taken me a long time to admit that I had anxiety. I think it’s going to be harder to admit that I have ‘depression’.
Tyler and I have been battling through this cough and cold. Yesterday when he got home from school we were both coughing. It was funny at first because I would cough, and then he would cough. For awhile I thought we were having a ‘coughing war’. Later that night I could hear him coughing in the living room and I was in the bedroom coughing.
Today I asked him if his neck was hurting. He told me no and I explained to him that my neck was in so much pain. He said to me, “Well, maybe it’s because your down..like..forever.”
You know that commercial where it says, “Who does depression hurt? Everyone.”? Yeah…He sees it and doesn’t know how to confront me about it.
Kara leaves me text messages telling me she loves me. Alyx crawls in bed with me and cuddles, trying to find a place in my world that she can connect with me.
And now I am going to say it; I need help. I need support. I can’t do this alone.
The battle with anxiety is at bay. The control I have over it is manageable and knowing I can go into a situation I wouldn’t normally be able to handle is a feeling I can’t explain. It’s not gone, but damn it…I got a grip.
This new thing; the feeling of despair and sadness is indescribable. If you have it, you could probably put it to words better than I can.
My dearest, sweetest, most loving husband…you can’t fix this. I know that is the most horrible thing to say to someone who spends 18 hours of his day making sure that at the end of the day, things are resolved or in the process of being fixed.
I swear, I believe there isn’t anything you can’t make all better because you are the voice of reason, everyone’s rock and the first person people come to when they need advice.
Just start with listening when I need talk. Don’t talk. Just listen.
When I say, “PINEAPPLE” just know it’s time to call the doctor and figure out what they can do STAT.
Until then, everyone just bear with me.