Anxiety,  journey

Why did you use the ‘sad face’ picture?

Shaun watched over my shoulder as I changed my layout again.
“Why that picture?” he asked.
“It’s how I feel.”
“It’s depressing.”

All I can say, is that is how I am feeling right now.
Saying that I am ‘depressed’ isn’t easy for me.  It’s taken me a long time to admit that I had anxiety.  I think it’s going to be harder to admit that I have ‘depression’.

Tyler and I have been battling through this cough and cold.  Yesterday when he got home from school we were both coughing. It was funny at first because I would cough, and then he would cough.  For awhile I thought we were having a ‘coughing war’.  Later that night I could hear him coughing in the living room and I was in the bedroom coughing.
Today I asked him if his neck was hurting.  He told me no and I explained to him that my neck was in so much pain.  He said to me, “Well, maybe it’s because your”

You know that commercial where it says, “Who does depression hurt?  Everyone.”?  Yeah…He sees it and doesn’t know how to confront me about it.
Kara leaves me text messages telling me she loves me.  Alyx crawls in bed with me and cuddles, trying to find a place in my world that she can connect with me.

And now I am going to say it;  I need help. I need support. I can’t do this alone.

The battle with anxiety is at bay. The control I have over it is manageable and knowing I can go into a situation I wouldn’t normally be able to handle is a feeling I can’t explain.  It’s not gone, but damn it…I got a grip.
This new thing; the feeling of despair and sadness is indescribable.  If you have it, you could probably put it to words better than I can.

My dearest, sweetest, most loving husband…you can’t fix this.  I know that is the most horrible thing to say to someone who spends 18 hours of his day making sure that at the end of the day, things are resolved or in the process of being fixed.
I swear, I believe there isn’t anything you can’t make all better because you are the voice of reason, everyone’s rock and the first person people come to when they need advice.

Just start with listening when I need talk. Don’t talk. Just listen.

When I say, “PINEAPPLE” just know it’s time to call the doctor and figure out what they can do STAT.

Until then, everyone just bear with me.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.


  • Just a girl

    You have a wonderful support team at home, but I know the feeling of not wanting or knowing how to share the burden with them.
    Al always asks me what he can do to “make it better” and it sometimes hurts even more to tell him, “nothing”.

  • superchick

    I always described my depression as a “black hole” that seemed to suck me in. This was the only way I coulg think to explain how emotionless and hollow I felt.

    Good luck. Recognizing that there is a problem is a very big first step.

  • Kelly

    Admitting it is the hardest part. Kristine, you are a wonderful, wonderful person and I am so sorry that you are in pain. Keep that stong support system close, and please call you doctor! There is help!

    I’ve been on the meds. They helped immensely. I will keep you in my prayers – you deserve to be happy!

  • momthefonz

    What all the kids are doing is what you need, I KNOW. Please let them in your world I know its hard but listen to them, They have all the Love that you need at the moment, I can’t say it will last but for now its a rope to hang on to and at the other end is the LOVE holding it……. I Love You….

  • Barb

    I occasionally check Random and Odd because I like your images and really like your voice… we have similar ways of seeing the world. Today when I read your entry on depression, my heart went out to you. I’m right there… trying to go it without meds at present and doing OK, but the lows are very hard. And, it hurts to face this illness- somehow a defect in ourselves that we want to protect the children from… when all they want is IN. My mom was severely depressed when I was growing up, and I felt like an orphan. Anythings better than that. Hang in until the sun comes up… and it will.

  • kimmyk

    I’ve never really been one to sugar coat anything and I can’t imagine I should start now.
    I’ve been where you are and it sucks. I think it’s the weather, although you don’t have snow up to your roof and 2 hours of daylight a day like here, but…I get that you’re feeling something.
    Here’s the thing though-if Shaun is feeling the suffering that’s one thing, but….when your kids are feelin’ it Kris-you do not want that. You don’t want your kids growing up worrying about your well being and neglecting themselves. My aunt was like that-she was *this* or *that* and it REALLY took a toll on my cousins. They were so consumed all the time by their mother’s well being they forgot to be kids and took on the role of adults. My mom was the same way-except she’d lash out and not stay in her bedroom. All I know is-you are a GREAT mother and you have some fabulous kids….you have got to find it in yourself to want to be healthy and well…..if not for you….for them.

    I love ya girl, and don’t mean to sound like a *b* hope ya know that.

  • KimmyK

    I don’t “know” you but I read your blog daily … my blog is my relief my outlet and I often turn to the strangers on my blog before I turn to my friends at home! We are all here for you … to listen and to hug … I will keep you in my prayers and will send ((HUGS)) your way!

  • Michelle

    Hey girl another thing we have in common depression, mine is both mainstream depression and the seasonal affective kind. Anxiety and depression more often than not go hand in hand. Lovely huh. It sucks and it takes time but talking to a therapist does help…really.

    It makes me feel worse- guilty perhaps when Adam says to me, “what can I do to make it better, to make you happy?” He like most men want to be fixers. It has taken me countless years and a lot of reassurance that even when I am down I am still me and I will come back and that I love him for just being there. Unless you have been there depression is just not something someone fully understands.

    Take all the love your kids are giving you, keep communicating with them – it can be scary for a kid to think “will mommy ever be happy again” and really as kimmyk says do what you have to in order to help yourself. I moderate a great depression chat room, small enough to get support and everyone is very nice. If you would like more information please email me. But nothing take the place of a good ole talk therapy session where you can go and blather it all out. Meds may be the answer to helping you as well but I would say try the talking thing first. Just my take.

  • Lexi aka Mrs Craig

    Must be the time of year, place of the planets or something . . . as you saw, I am so in the same deep hole you are my dear. . . . and I hate that commerical . . .” who does depression hurt?. . . I actually yelled at the TV a few days ago and told them – Damn it, it was hurting me. . . .. ” My Dr has me on meds for Depression, and has changed it a few times, as most seem to give me horrible dreams , some make me even more of a Bitch, and I am a nice , sweet person, LOL –
    Hang in there Sweetie. . . you got me, I know you don’t know me, but you got me. . . email is always open and I have to say sometimes it just helps to open up and vent to someone you dont’ know, someone you don’t have to look in the face. . . sometimes the words come easier , and the emotions reach the top. . . so I am here. . . . always near by. . . . insomnia is on me too. . . . ( you got me babe. . . you got me babe. . . .)

  • Brett Wright

    Please allow me to preface this with:
    I like checking into your blog because it allows me to see someone brave enough to show their life in real time. I’m not that brave and I salute you for it.

    You are not alone. Don’t EVER forget that. The mind can be a scary place if you let yourself believe that you are all alone. Kristine, you’ve a family that loves you. You’ve bloggers that care about you and check in on you. You are not alone, you are present. You are good. You are worthwhile. You are you, and people you know very well love you for it.

  • traci

    Go to the doctor Kristine. Get an anti-depressant. Some things can’t be fixed by writing or just making due. Been there. Trust me. It helps.

  • Darci

    Admitting it is hard. Everyone just expects you to snap out of it and then you start to believe that yourself. Which, of course, makes you feel worse because you can’t just snap out of it and then you wonder WTH is wrong with you – everyone else can just snap out of it, right? Grrrr.

    I couldn’t admit it for a long time. In fact, I was so far gone, my hubby and my best friend had to intervene. They worked together and ended up making a therapy appointment for me because although it was the most important thing I needed at the time, I couldn’t do it myself. Talking to someone helps tremendously. I have depression, with a lovely side order of anxiety. My shrink does cognitive therapy and it rocks. She’s given me a lot of techniques to use with my anxiety and I’m in a way better place.

    You have a great support system – if you don’t feel like you can do it yourself, can they make the call for you? Even to just set up the appointment. That was the worst part for me. I couldn’t bring myself to make the call. Hell, *I* would make the call for you. I read this post and I could relate. I hated feeling like that. It’s the worst. I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

    Please talk to someone. You don’t have to feel this way. You really don’t. I’ll stop being Rambly McRamblesons now, but please e-mail me if you need to.

  • Sandy

    The first step was Admitting it, you are so brave in doing so. Sending you lot’s of Love and Extra Big Big Hug’s from Tennessee. I’m alway’s around if you need anything. You have a great family there who loves you….

  • san

    it’s tough. it’s so great that you have such a big support team… even though they can’t physically DO anything, it’s still so important that they care.


  • Army of Mom

    My mom has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. However, as a child, I didn’t know what it was. My mom was always in bed. She wasn’t neccessarily sleeping, just in bed. All day long. In bed. When she woke me in the mornings, it was yelling from her bed. When I got home in the afternoons, I would go sit on her bed and talk about my day. When dinner was ready, I went to her bed and told her. I think I was 35 before it finally hit me that she suffered from depression. I was talking on the phone with my sister-in-law a couple of years ago when I told her that mom started Zoloft, but that’s for depression, I said. She was like, duh, why do you think she never got out of bed all those years? Wow. It really does impact the entire family. I’m glad you’re getting help.

  • Jen S

    (I’ve tried to post this a few times but have been spam busted!)

    Please don’t take too long to say PINEAPPLE….you are not alone in this life…there are lots of us that feel the same…do what you need to do to make yourself well…just don’t forget we all care.