Thank you…

Author: randomandodd  |  Category: Random

She will read all your messages and I told her, “The internet loves you, Kara.” She smiled and thanked me for the 3 page letter I wrote her telling her about the proudest moment I have ever experienced.  I’ll share it with you;

Going back to college was a very hard thing for me to do.  I had spent many years just trying to find the time to get into a GED prep class.  It was impossible to do because I had a young, little girl that needed me there and I used the excuse that no matter how many times I tried to get to class, my ex would be late. I feared he was sabotaging my efforts to make something more of myself in fear that I would come to my senses and leave him.  This may or may not have been the case, but the reality of it was that I was the one that was allowing myself to be sabotaged. I can not blame my failure on someone else.

After finding the most fantastic teacher that pushed me to do things I never thought I could do, I took my GED and I passed with flying colors.  (Okay, I skinned by on the math part, but made up for it in History)  I then decided to join college and see what I could do.  I signed up for the hardest class they offered. Computer Science and Electronics.  I was given a tour around campus and in each of the classes there was not a woman to be found.  The adviser told me that the IT department was built mostly around men. She suggested I take the business course.  I told her that I wanted the IT classes and signed up.
I cried the whole time I was filling out the paper work because I was so terrified of already failing.  I had to do it. It was a sign from God.  I mean this in the most strangest of ways too.  On my way to a job I very good at, but not leading anywhere I took the wrong turn. I was in the middle of my crosstown prayer to God that went something like this, “Dear God, please let today be better than it was yesterday. Please let him see what effort I am putting into this job. Please don’t let his wife come in today and beat me down and make me feel stupid.  Please, if this is not where you want me, direct me to the place you want me.”  and that’s when I realized I missed my turn and I had to pull into a driveway that led to the College.  I pulled up and it had some lame sign about, ‘Finding your future’.  I then tried to pull out of the place and kept looping back to the front of the school.  Trapped in the parking lot.   This was my sign. Either come back and check it out or get a GPS system.

After my first few classes I was convinced I was a complete moron and there was no way I was going to be able to pull it off.  When my electronic classes kicked in, I realized that my father must have given me SOMETHING through his DNA because I understood this, like I had studied it in a past life. I aced every single test I took.  My parents were going to be so proud.

It was the hardest 2 years of my life, but because of my beautiful friend, Lisa taking care of my kids and my wonderful friend Keith helping me financially I made it through.  ‘Cita pulled me off the couch a few times when I thought for sure I was going to quit.  I did it though.  I couldn’t wait for my mom and dad see me cross that stage to pick up my diploma.

My dad didn’t show up.  My mother was there and she was beaming from ear to ear.  After I crossed the stage and past her, I stopped and handed her my tassle.  This woman deserved it just as much as I did. She watched me struggle through first grade until the day I finally quit high school.  She tried…ohhhh, mamma tried.

I thought for sure that would be the proudest moment of my life, but it wasn’t.  The moment came when I looked at Kara and saw how proud of me she was.
For all the years I watched her with proud parent eyes as she took her first steps, put on her shoes for the first time, walked into her first classroom and all the other scary things in life…she was looking at me with the same look of admiration.

Sometimes I feel like she’s walking in my shoes.  Living my life all over. It’s painful to see those things, because I was so scared to death for so many years.  Who am I kidding? I am still scared.
I just want to her to have a fair shot of not feeling like she has to take the first thing that is thrown at her. I want her to know that there is someone out there, there are lots of someones out there that will think she is hot shit on a stick.  It feels SO damn good to be loved like you know you deserve to be loved.

She wants someone to hold her hand. She wants someone to say, “Kara is my girlfriend.” and I get that. I totally get that.

You’re all so very special for the things you wrote. I know she will read all of them and know she is loved.  She is beautiful. It’s so hard to believe sometimes.

My wonderful friend from High School sent me some pictures of us.  I use to think I was so ugly and now I look at those pictures and giggle at what a damn cutie I was.  I had the hair, the acid washed jeans (his pegged) and a dorky boyfriend…how could life get any better than that?  I hope she can look back at her pictures and say, “Yeah, I was hot!”

meandeth.jpg

16 Responses to “Thank you…”

  1. colorado mom Says:

    what a moving entry. you and kc are so much alike it is scary. i do know this….you are both amazing mothers and women and friends and all sorts of shit….i do so hope that i will get to meet you and shaun soon…hang in there….some day you will wake up and those marvelous children of yours will give you something that is even more marvelous….grandchildren….the kind you can spoil and give back when you get a little tired….i am just fucking proud of you

  2. LazyLightning Says:

    I hope she takes people’s comments to heart. I was having a conversation with a group of friends the other day — we’re all in our twenties. The topic was “what did you learn in middle school?” No one had a single academic-type answer, except for the kid who was homeschooled. Everyone else learned about hate, cliques, jealousy, and either not-feeling-good-enough or hurting others to make you feel good enough. Personally, I “learned” in middle school just what a worthless piece of ugly flesh I was — how I was only useful for being something other kids could make fun of. By 10th grade, I’d developed a very negative, sarcastic attitude, powered by pure hate. High school was awful for me, but I got through it, and now when I look back, it’s completely true what some other people said in their comments on the SPF post: those who were mean to me? Most of them turned out to be nothing special. Several of them are stuck in Iraq because they joined ROTC on a dare to “lose some weight”. Most of them are fat (haha!!) and if I spy on them with myspace, all I see is lots of photos of them binge drinking — almost none of them are married or in a serious relationship, and most of them are working in retail and waitressing at age 25. So I’m glad I was different now. It kept me from being held back by the pressure to be the same as everyone else.

  3. Connie Says:

    She looks just like you and you are still hot. You are both pretty.

  4. Patsy Says:

    What a perfect note to your daughter; and to yourself. You can be proud; no you should be proud! You are a very caring person and your daughter is lucky that she has you for a mom.

  5. Josie Says:

    Stop making me cry and re examine my life.
    It was suppose to be a quiet weekend.
    I’ve been told that my image of me and the image others see is drastically different.
    I need to find a way to mesh the two…a couple years going and I’m still not there.
    Kara is soo lucky to have you.

  6. momthefonz Says:

    Oh do i ever remember those days, I can’t tell you how much this has moved me. My heart is over flowing with so much love. Now I know how just how I felt when you were growing up.
    Excuse me but i have to go and blow my nose.

  7. Jenni Says:

    That is a very moving story. How amazing for your daughter to give you the same feelings of worth and accomplishment that you give to her. I hope she believes in her worthiness, even if the kids around her do not. One thing I learned in Jr. High and High School is that the opinion of your classmates does not really matter. It is only your opinion of yourself that is important. If you live your life to please others, you can lose yourself in the process.

  8. Arlene Says:

    Seriously, you are the picture of 80’s hot right there, seriously!!!
    Right now, I’m still not convinced of my school age cuteness…we’ll see if that changes…

  9. Pissy Britches Says:

    Awesome.
    Why don’t we ever get it when we are actually a teenager that we are cute and that we are loved?
    Why is everything so confusing at a time in your life when it shouldn’t be.
    Reading that reminds me of how I felt about myself back then..not good.

  10. gypsygrrl Says:

    kristine!
    what a little 80s hottie you were!!!
    i woulda been swooning over you, had i known i liked girls more than boys back then.

    thanks for sharing your own struggles and your goals for making your kids know and feel they are so very special and amazing and loved!

    you are a great mom!

  11. kate Says:

    Beautiful letter Kristine and Kara is a fabulous girl that is going to do incredible things because she is Kara and she can do anything she wants!

  12. Kami Says:

    Yet another great post from a great mom. You and Kara, and the rest of your clan are BEAUTIFUL, both inside and out.

    Now, about that photo…

  13. shellibells Says:

    You totally made me sob thinking of how much of a dork my daughter is always trying to make people laugh and be friends with everyone. Right now it’s easy for her, but it won’t always be. The teenage years are hard, but I say Kara dont’ ever give up and always stay true to yourself. Just be Kara and people will get over it if they don’t like it. Someday, plenty of people will respect you for who you are and right now, all the important people love you for you.

  14. Maria Says:

    Fabulous post.

    You’re still HOT!

  15. Melanie Marie Says:

    Thank you Kristine! You just gave me a wonderful glimpse of my mother and helped me understand what she has been telling me!

  16. Christina K =) Says:

    Great letter kid! And you are a great mom! I hope your kids appriciate that! oh and by the way, I was still cuter! =) hahahahahaha! love the acid wash! I crack up when I look at those pics! Love you kid!