Random and Odd

“Uh, what’s up with Random and Odd?”

I’m still alive. I have just been battling lately and didn’t feel like spewing my anxiety ridden crap here.

Imina (that is ‘I am in a’ for those of that don’t speak ‘Kristinese’) Imina spiral right now.  I have been trying to get stuff organized and in the process, stumbling across a lot of the life I had before this one.  I found about 16 journals dating all the way back into the early 80’s.  I made the mistake of reading through some of them and I realized that this has been a problem ALL my life, not just the last few years.   I’m happy, but Iminaspiral.  Doctor’s appointment is already set for 4 pm tomorrow.

My aunt is in the hospital. My sister called me today to tell me that my brother went in and said goodbye to her.  My brother is a ‘no-shit-typa-guy’ and he calls em as he sees em.  When my grandma went into the hospital my mom said, ‘ohhhh, she’ll be fine…just fainted.’  My brother called me from the hospital and told me to get my ass home because my grandma was going to die.  Grandma died less than 48 hours later.  I know this is the last trip to the hospital my aunt will make now.
I opted not to go see her. It sounds so cruel to write those words, but I can’t see her like that.  I want to remember her the way she was when I was a kid.  I don’t want to see her with all that world has done to her on her face.  She survived a lot of things that most people will hopefully never have to see.

I’m worried about my mom.  She is watching all of her friends die around her.  It makes me scared because I don’t want her to think that is even an option for her.  My mother will live forever.  She has to. I need to know she’s there and I need to know my sister is there…for me. I can’t do this all by myself.

I don’t want my aunt to die.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

39 Comments

  • Juliabohemian

    your Mom is not that old…at least she doesn’t appear to be in the pictures I’ve seen.

    I can understand not wanting to go see your aunt. But, unless she is in a coma, consider that she might want to see YOU. I’m not judging you, of course. I’m just saying maybe you haven’t cosidered every angle.

  • barnmouse

    I really get what you’re going through. My Granny had a series of mini strokes in October and we weren’t sure what was going to happen. Luckily she got better, but was then back in the hospital for 3 weeks before Christmas. She got out and went back to “That Hell Hole” (what she calls the nursing home). Then over Christmas 3 of her closest friends died. I’m so scared she’s going to think that’s all that’s left for her.

    Wow….I’m sorry for leaving such a depressing comment. Just know you’re not alone. Now do what I’m doing and go eat some CHOCOLATE! Things will be OK.

  • Michelle

    OH your mom and my mom…they will never die. I hold the same thought about my mom…its just an impossibility (how’s that for living in my own special world?). Life is a real bit*h sometimes and having anxiety I know how all these thing can have an impact. HUGS….I hope the doctor can help.

  • Charlotte and Sue

    Lots of love from Philly! We’ve missed you, sister! Take care of yourself and call if you want/need a laugh. Especially this weekend. We’re going to a wedding and there’s a great chance that we’ll be drunk both Friday and Saturday nights. Good times! XO

  • The Kept Woman

    Well shit.

    That’s all. I’m so sorry that you and your mom are losing those you love most. That isn’t fair. Period. Enjoy all the time in the world that you have with The Fonz…she sounds like the bestest mom ever.

    ((((((hugs))))))

  • giuli

    Most of us regret things that we never did- not the things that we did do.
    Once your Aunt passes will you regret not being there one last time? Holding her hand, allowing her the pleasure of seeing your smile one last time.
    Maybe you can look at her through your younger eyes and see the woman she once was-And rejoice in that.
    My father-in-law died not one minute before each grandchild visited. He held on to see us all one last time. I will never forget that.
    My heart goes out to you.

  • giuli

    Most of us regret things that we never did- not the things that we did do.
    Once your Aunt passes will you regret not being there one last time? Holding her hand, allowing her the pleasure of seeing your smile one last time?
    Maybe you can look at her through your younger eyes and see the woman she once was-And rejoice in that.
    My father-in-law died not one minute before each grandchild visited. He held on to see us all one last time. I will never forget that.
    My heart goes out to you.

  • Kelly

    I’m so sorry, and I completely understand your feelings. My “favorite” Aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimers last fall, and I feel like she is being stolen from me. And like you, I find myself drifting away from her, not wanting to call or see her like this. I understand… that said, please make sure you get closure if things get worse for her.

    HUGS (real ones!) YOu are so strong, and I’m so proud of you. I just wanted you to know that!

  • Mainline Mom

    Dude that sucks. Glad you have a brother like that though. I’m kinda like him that way, but I totally get why you wouldn’t want to go to the hospital. I might not either. Seeing my dad in the hospital dying really really sucked. Wish I could give you a big hug. Anytime you wanted it.

  • Jamie

    I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt. My aunt passed away in December & all I thought about at her wake was my parents, and how I would even get thru that. I feel where you’re at, hon. Hang in there. You have such an awesome group of peeps around you that you’ll NEVER be alone for anything!

    ((((HUGS)))))

  • Renee/Boob Sweat

    My Tylan has been going through that stage (he’s 8) of not wanting Mommy to die. Being worried about what would happen to him and his sister and so on. I do my best to reassure him…then I go cry myself to sleep worrying the same exact things about my Mom.
    I’m afraid I will die without her.

  • ladybugkip

    dear kristine,

    i read this a little earlier today, and my heart ached for you… and tonight i came back and read the linked blog entry about your auntie’s laugher. and i smiled so big. i love how her laughter and nature truly touched your life… and how you know your kinds will feel like that towards your sister. i have two nephews (one in particular) who pretty much think “aunt ladybug” is the coolest, and my sis teases me when i say “its good to be Queen!” in response to them loving me like they do. i pray they one day will remember me with such loving words…

    and about “those” kinds of hugs.
    wow. you brought some tears to my eyes… my brother is being deployed to iraq in march, and his hugs are like that. he is part of a family that adopted me right after my dad died last year… they truly were sent to me by my dad and the angels. and this brother. he is the one (out of the 5 siblings) i am closest to. and his hugs are like that. we just fit together. and i miss him already.

    know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers… and i think you should do what you need to regarding your aunt…(not going to see her now) and remember her like you do. she knows how much you love her, and i am sure given the choice, would choose for you to remember her laughter and the fun images you have…

    much love & strength to you,
    ladybugkip

  • dashababy

    Thanks everybody for the support and really sweet heartfelt comments. I’m glad you’re here for Kris.
    We were at aunties bedside again until the evening trying to lift her spirits and make her laugh. Surprisingly she is aware of us and does laugh. She hasn’t lost her sense of humor which is a blessing for all of us. It’s hard to see someone in this condition but when she laughs, it’s easy to remember and see her for how she always was and that is loving and beautiful and oh so silly. Whether she will pull thru this or not, I dunno, only God knows so I’m not giving up hope yet.
    Thanks again for the love.
    Kris, I love you and I’m here. Mom is doing fine. Like you, she is alot stronger than she thinks. Yes, it is hard but we can get thru it together.

  • Amy

    Damnitall, Kristine. Sorry to hear about your aunt and your spiral. You hang in there, honeybunch. What else is there to do but blink, breathe, and accept any huggers.

  • little sister

    I’m sorry to hear all that, Kristine. Really sorry about your aunt. I understand why you don’t want to see her, though….that’s too much – too hard.

    I’m thinking don’t worry about the Fonz, though….she’s too young and too lively :) Really – she’ll be around for a long time for ya :)