Bad Moon Rising

Some people like the rain. I’m not one of them. It depresses me. Yesterday it sort of snuck up on me so I wasn’t too bothered by it. Today I woke up to it all dark and ugly outside. It made me achy.
I worked out on Sunday and over did the leg machine and I still hurt.
I know, I know…drink water, stretch, alter days, blah blah blah. I hate working out. I do. I hate getting dressed to go to the gym. I hate driving to the gym. I hate the smell of a gym. I hate the beeping of the machines at the gym. I hate the ‘rush’ you get. I hate the way my body wants to kick my ass for doing something that hurts me in the long run.
So yes, I hate the gym. I’m not going to stop going though and I will tell you the story of why I will continue to go to the gym even though I loathe it.

Last weekend I drug everyone to the bridal show at the mall so we could pick up some books and ideas. I might have also went because there could have been a chance of some sort of chocolate fountain or cake testing.

We headed home after we looked at all the booths and poked fun at the cheezy DJ’s. Shaun saw a bridal mart on the way home and since we were all in the mood, we pulled over and went in.
If you’re in the market for a 1983 wedding dress, we found the place. The dresses were only a hundred bucks and if I looked hard enough I might be able to find something I liked. ONE. I found ONE dress.

‘Cita and I grabbed the dress and headed into the dressing room.

“I don’t know, Kris. This sort has a snag on the front. We would have to get it dry cleaned…” She tried to fix the snag with her finger while I wrestled with the strapless bra they provided.

“For a hundred bucks, I will get it dry cleaned. I’m only going to wear the thing for 4 hours and then it goes in a bag in my closet.”

With some help I got the dress over my head and pulled down to right about my waist.

I pulled down on the hem, but for some strange reason, it wouldn’t go any further than the waist.

Instead of asking what the problem is, ‘Cita grabbed the hem and helped me pull it down, but encountered the same problem as I did. “What the hell?”
She requested that I turn around so she could pull the dress down in the back and since I am SO good at following orders I turned around.

The look of horror on her face made me ask what the problem was.

“Turn around and look.” I did.

My ass. My square ass was blocking the damn dress from coming down. The dress fell like a curtain around my window shaped bare ass. Do you get the picture I am drawing for you? I looked like I was mooning someone from my house window.
I burst into laughter because after the horror of it all sunk in, the humor of it was just too much. “Get it off.” I laughed and now it looked like ‘Cita was trying to save me from a aligator that had swallowed me. “PULL!” and she was…but she was laughing to hard and she couldn’t get a good grip.

After trying to tug the dress off for 30 seconds I said, “Stop. ‘Cita. Stop.” We were giggling so hard that neither one of us was getting to far. “We are going to have to pull it together long enough to get this dress off of me.” we didn’t stop laughing the whole time, but we got the dress off.

As we were walking out the other brides trying on dresses looked at us like we had smoked a bowl in the dressing room. They couldn’t look TOO snooty for God’s sake, they were trying on dresses that I wore during my first wedding 13 years ago!

Whenever we need a good laugh now we will always remember the time in the dressing room when my ass decided that I would not be wearing a 1983 gown at my 2006 wedding.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.


  • Liza

    haha, nice with the dress not fitting. the first dress i tried on a couple weeks ago i had to try two different sizes and still they weren’t big enough to go over my boobs, and they aren’t that big!! stupid dress. made me feel all fat and jiggly.

  • Pissy Britches

    Thank the lord for that decision you HAB.
    I have a 1996 wedding gown up in my attic you can have if you want it.
    I will mail that shit to you just so you can try it on and put a picture up on here.

  • Maria

    I had a similar experience with a friend when we were shopping for a dress for her to wear to her cousin’s wedding. I still laugh thinking about how that dressed attacked her and I had trouble scrapping myself off the floor from laughing to help her take command again.


  • Janasayqua

    Yeah, I would think that trying on bridal gowns would be as much torture as picking out a bikini is after having 2 kids.

    Fortunately for me, I was big and pregnant when I got married so I got an empire waist dress that still did not hide the fact I was totally knocked up!!!!

  • randomandodd

    I wish I could use the ‘knocked up’ excuse.


    I’d rather walk down the isle with my square bare ass sticking out the back of the dress then to be pregnant again.

  • Adrienne

    I hate the gym too. It’s horrid. I’m going so that i WON’T look ‘a little bit preggers’ in my figure-showing dress. Too bad we can’t go to the gym together and just bitch out loud about it the whole time.

  • Lori

    Wedding dress shopping. Ugh. Worse than swimsuit shopping. Very good visual there.

    OH, now, WTH is that in the pic? (Not Kara) Is it a cotton candy machine? I guess if you had alot of kids are a wedding, but who wants em all hopped up on straight sugar?

  • Amy

    Cripes, I love you.

    My mom, who does seminars on humour and it’s effects on the body and emotions, always goes on about how your muscles relax when you are laughing and you can’t lift things or flex them. This is such a great example of this I am sending her here.

  • Angi

    ROFL!! I could SO see this!

    For a fiends wedding 3 years ago, me and the other bridesmaids were out trying on dresses. We were trying to find similar styles in each of our sizes to try on and send pics to the bride – she was out of state. We were all grabbing dresses we liked in the 3 needed sizes and then met in the dresing room. One style we all got on fit me WAY different than the 2 of them. We laughed like hyenas! This dress had no shape, no bust width (and I’m not busty) and was WAY too short to be altered like the rest of them.

    Oh, you say, why is that?? Why did I look like a really long snausage sticking out of this unshapely, fru-fru dress? Beacuase it was a JUNIOR! I wanted a 16 – they picked up a 16J. That “J” is very important!

    Oh, and btw, we experienced a lot of hysterical laughter trying to pull me out of that thing. I can SO see your story!! It was flipped up over my head and the 2 of them trying to get me out.

    Yes, thanx for the memory!! LOL Glad you had a blast! :)

  • Mary

    OMG! I have not laughed this hard in a long time. Sorry it was at your expense Kristine. My ass gets in the way every time I try and put on a pair of jeans. I also truly believe that the devil invented dressing rooms. I hate them all!!!!!

  • Peanutt


    I’ve learned its best to laugh when trying on clothes, I have found this really stops alot of tears from flowing when I see myself under those bright lights that likes to shows all those cracks, crevices and dimples that you don’t see at home in the dark!

  • Charmed*1

    This describes my brother and me when he was trying to “place” the stencil for my tattoo… Everytime I would sit, my “shelf” would appear and he couldn’t place it right. It was funny, guess you had to be there.