Random and Odd

I want to talk about sex…

…but I’m not going to. I just want to talk about sex. I think it’s because I had the ‘fucked up’ dream I have once every five years. It’s the dream where I find out the person I am having sex with has a detachable penis.

I don’t know what causes me to have this dream. The first time I had it I was about 16.
In this dream I get up and go to the bathroom and when I pull down my pants…A PENIS.
For some reason I think, “I have a penis, I need to take a bath.” While in the bath examining my new penis my mom knocks on the door. I take off the penis and put it in a Kleenex box.
(I’m thrilled by the amount of times I used the word ‘penis’ in that last paragraph…or run-on sentence)

Last night I had the dream again, but the moments UP to and AFTER the discovery that the penis was detachable are very foggy.
The only part of this dream that I remember was holding the penis and looking at it saying,

“But, how do you get it to stay on?”

:::Laughter:::

“Magnets.”

I can’t be the only person in the world that has dreams about detachable penises.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

49 Comments

  • Shaun

    I’ll let you borrow mine as soon as you can hook it up with a paging button. Not that I don’t trust you, but losing your cell phone or a remote control is one thing…….

  • Kristine

    Shaun, I could find my cell phone if I didn’t have it set to viberate…which okay, good point. I would totally have that sucker set to vibrate.

  • Nilbo

    Ehh … what comes to mind is the old joke that ends with “Hey, honey … with what you got, you can have as many of those as you want.”

  • The Recovering Straight Girl

    A detachable magnetic penis.

    Brilliant idea!

    A magnet would be a hell of a lot more convienent than a strap-on harness, they are a pain in the… well, hips I guess.

    Maybe you should look into designing this Kristine, you could make a fortune.

    Send me your prototype, I’ll let you know how it works.

  • shellibells

    Uhhh, nope. Can’t say I’ve ever had a dream about a detachable…although it would be rather interesting to see….
    Umm, and your back button is back to it’s old tricks again….for some reason it worked yesterday! (or was it the day before) PffT! SHoulda kept my mouth shut!!

  • little sister

    I have to say I never expected to read anything, anywhere or anytime about a detachable penis…let alone someone’s dream about a magnetic detachable penis.

    I need a Stoli….

  • Girl From Ipanema

    that reminds me of a part of an act Sam Kinison would do about how he had dreams of his wife taking his penis away because it was HERS NOW…”It will either be in my purse or in the fridge”…AHHAHAHA :)

  • kimmyk

    I uh nope, can’t think of one single dream where I could stick it on and pull it off.

    Shaun, you uh might wanna sleep with one eye open cause and keep Kristine away from the MSG. That shit will have the sanest person trippin.

    Ya think that Bobbitt chick thought her hubby’s was held on by magnets too?

    Be nice Shaun, be very nice.

  • Caroline

    I had a dream about detatching someone else’s penis when that lady that cut off her husband’s penis was in the news. I said “oops” and put it back on. I don’t remember how exactly I detatched it though.

    Did you get your present yet?

  • Caroline

    Umm, and it kind of sounded like there was some kind of penis related paraphernalia in the package, but, unfortunately, there isn’t.

    Just wanted to clear that up…

  • The Fonz

    OMG!
    And you tell me i’m nutso? LOL
    What a Dream. Again Wow! what a dream. but maybe it wasn’t a dream? I think i found something like that in a kleanex box… Just Kidding, Love you…… ‘-)

  • Susie

    Clearly, you are the only one.

    Um, “I have a penis … I need to take a bath.” Take a bath? Like that’s all you would need?

    Best line I’ve seen all day award goes to Shaun:
    “Well, lets start you off with a smaller one first, see if you can take care of it.”

    Your googles are gonna go really wacky now.

  • Grover

    Umm… well, I recall two dreams where mine kept falling off, as though it had a plastic snap that held it on at the base, and I couldn’t get it to click back into place just right.

    Weird. But at least now I know I’m not alone on this one! :-)

  • Peanutt

    Nope, can’t recall ever having the detachable penis dream. But should we really delve into what it means??? I just hope it was fun!

  • mrtl

    Detatchable Penis, by King Missile (1999)

    I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
    And my penis was missing again.
    This happens all the time.
    It’s detachable.
    [background singing begins: “detachable penis” over and over]
    This comes in handy a lot of the time.
    I can leave it home, when I think it’s gonna get me in trouble,
    or I can rent it out, when I don’t need it.
    But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
    and the next morning I can’t for the life of me
    remember what I did with it.
    First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn’t find it.
    So I called up the place where the party was,
    they hadn’t seen it either.
    I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
    ’cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
    But not this time.
    So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
    I called a few people who were at the party,
    but they were no help either.
    I was starting to get desperate.
    I really don’t like being without my penis for too long.
    It makes me feel like less of a man,
    and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
    After a few hours of searching the house,
    and calling everyone I could think of,
    I was starting to get very depressed,
    so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
    Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark’s Place,
    where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
    I saw my penis lying on a blanket
    next to a broken toaster oven.
    Some guy was selling it.
    I had to buy it off him.
    He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
    I took it home, washed it off,
    and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
    People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
    but I don’t know.
    Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass,
    I like having a detachable penis.
    [background voices continue to sing “detachable penis” for
    a while, then out]

    Hear and watch at http://music.yahoo.com/ar-253946-videos–King-Missile

  • Diana

    ROFL! you are so funny! I get enough sex talk on Tues and Thurs now…from 730AM-11AM I am in human sexuality! I started yesterday and it is hillarious! My hubby wants to know where to sign up! LOL TTYL

  • La Pix

    Thanks mrtl, I was wondering if Kristine had heard Detachable Penis.

    My favorite song by King Missile is “Cheesecake Truck” about a guy who gets a job driving a cheesecake delivery truck and on the first day decides to sample the cheesecakes, and ends up eating so many of them that he has to ditch the truck and leave the country. Actually they have a lot of cool and funny songs.

    About the dream: my good friend has had this dream more than once. In her dream, she worries what will happen the next time she has sex with her hubby, how weird and awkward and upsetting it will be. And she is grossed out by the fact that there is a hairy penis in her pants.

    I bet there are some classic interpretations to this (Jung, maybe?) that have nothing to do with penis envy.

  • Amanda B.

    Bwahahahaha. That is great.

    I have this dream where I get to be a boy for a week, just to see what it’s like. You know, to be the intruder instead of the intrudee. That sounds bad, you know what I mean.

    Ok, maybe I should just shut up now. :D

  • Kristine

    LOL, I love the lyrics!!

    Amanda – I know what your saying. I’ve had that dream.

    Metro, yes MAJOR penis envy. I so totally think you guys are so lucky!! I want one!! I just don’t want it if I’m not playing with it. I can’t even imagine the thought of it just hanging there. I would be one of those guys that hold it all the time.

    I just admitted that to the internet. Well, maybe if i’m lucky you have all moved on to the next post.

  • kalki

    MAGNETS!! Lordy, that cracks my shit up. And if I discovered I had a penis, a shower is the first thing I’d want too. Why is that?

  • Tanya

    Dear god! Thanks the your post, which I read just befor bedtime, I ened up dreaming of having sex with the 2 lesbians from the TV show QUEER AS FOLK!

    And one of them had a penis…attached with magents.

    Thanks for that… :)

  • Dy

    Okay, I’m responding to an old post cuz, well, I’m up too late avoiding work.

    You should read Piers Anthony’s “Pornucopia”. A whole book about a guy with detachable bits… And a selection of attachments to choose from. Not for the kids, though.