Well, I have reached that final spot. The one where you hit the floor in the hallway and slide up to the bed in praying stance and say, “GOOOOD! HELP ME!”
I’ve been here before. Many times. This time seems to be different. I’m done living this life the way I think it needs to be lived. I’m giving my life back to God and going to live it as his will. Whatever direction he points me in, I will not question anymore. The need for peace and hope is what I need to stop just surviving and start living.
Does this mean that I become one of those ‘bless you’, kinds of people. Probably not. In this process I hope to lose the part of myself that carries the hate, anger and the inability to forgive. I’m done with Karma. I’m done with “everything happens for a reason”, i’m also done with the holding on to something because I was good for it. If that person or object isn’t good for ME, it needs to go. I already weeded out the truly EVIL people in my life…now it’s to get rid of that anger that was associated with them.
Tabitha and I talked today. If we loved ourselves with the passion and intensity that we love other people, we would be unstoppable. It’s time for me to start believing in myself….and to also hand over the stuff that I can’t handle anymore.
That is out of my control.
Do I forgive yet? No. It takes time. Am I not angry and hateful yet? HELL FUCKING NO. (i’ll work on the language later) but I am willing to let it go, if He is willing to take it away and replace it will blessings.
There was this song I use to listen to when I was younger and it was based on Proverbs. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understandings. Acknowledge the Lord in all of your ways…and he will set your paths straight.”
I’m ready to trust, stop questioning His will for me and for my paths to be a little less uphill.
The support system I am surrounding myself with is going to get stronger….I actually asked Spock for guidance on my relationship with God and how to get past the road blocks that have stopped me in the past. Someday I’ll explain this line. :)