Random and Odd

Struggles..

Well, I have reached that final spot. The one where you hit the floor in the hallway and slide up to the bed in praying stance and say, “GOOOOD! HELP ME!”

I’ve been here before. Many times. This time seems to be different. I’m done living this life the way I think it needs to be lived. I’m giving my life back to God and going to live it as his will.  Whatever direction he points me in, I will not question anymore.  The need for peace and hope is what I need to stop just surviving and start living.

Does this mean that I become one of those ‘bless you’, kinds of people. Probably not. In this process I hope to lose the part of myself that carries the hate, anger and the inability to forgive.   I’m done with Karma. I’m done with “everything happens for a reason”, i’m also done with the holding on to something because I was good for it.  If that person or object isn’t good for ME, it needs to go. I already weeded out the truly EVIL people in my life…now it’s to get rid of that anger that was associated with them.

Tabitha and I talked today. If we loved ourselves with the passion and intensity that we love other people, we would be unstoppable. It’s time for me to start believing in myself….and to also hand over the stuff that I can’t handle anymore.
That is out of my control.

Do I forgive yet? No. It takes time. Am I not angry and hateful yet? HELL FUCKING NO.  (i’ll work on the language later) but I am willing to let it go, if He is willing to take it away and replace it will blessings.

There was this song I use to listen to when I was younger and it was based on Proverbs. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understandings. Acknowledge the Lord in all of your ways…and he will set your paths straight.”
I’m ready to trust, stop questioning His will for me and for my paths to be a little less uphill.

The support system I am surrounding myself with is going to get stronger….I actually asked Spock for guidance on my relationship with God and how to get past the road blocks that have stopped me in the past.   Someday I’ll explain this line. :)

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

6 Comments

  • Jen

    Good for you! I don’t know how anyone is able to get through the crappy parts of life without God. Not to say that life will be peachy from here on out but He’s the best one to lean into when life sucks.

  • tabitha

    Dont forget the Conract mama!!! This is a huge place for you to be, WE will be fine mamacita. Because we have begun to understand its US we need to love first, then IF your lucky we can share it with others. Right now I say lets be greedy bitches and keep the love for ourselves! My cup runs over

  • Leslie Gaspard

    Christine, I’ve been reading you since Hurricane Katrina..(i know, weird time reference), so I’ve read through your thicks and thins, and I’ve been where you are…

    I’m not big on the holy rollin’ band wagon, but I do believe in God and that without a doubt believes he hears prayers and answers them in due time.

    When I feel like the world is against me, I know I have one unconditional friend. Attaching a song that you might like – knowing you like music. Hope you enjoy. (The Kim Walker version is better – she sings the true lyrics.)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzfPHnoT0-0&feature=related

    Chin up, compadre’.

  • Kelly

    Like “justme” I’ve read your blog for a long time and it seems, in a sense, that we lead parallel lives in a sense (or perhaps mere coincidence and timing?). I’ve commented much or often: LURKER!:D

    My intent here is to let you know that you’re not alone– so am apologizing for the length of my response ahead of time (will make up for all of the times I haven’t commented in one fell swoop)! :)

    I’ve always wanted a romantic relationship that was enduring, trusting and emotionally intimate. What I’ve gotten instead was infidelity (them, not me), opportunism (“What can YOU do for me?”), emotional baggage (too heavy and too numerous to count or for me to carry), financially draining (related again to the “What can you do for me?”) and the last one, (God help me) alcoholism (them not me). Now, at close to 50, I’m emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

    My most recent revelations and “where I’m at” is I most likely will not have the relationship that I wanted or believe that I need; I give up. It would be nice but perhaps I’ve simply been pushing water up hill or forcing a square peg in a round hole: It’s out of my hands and out of my control so I’m gonna leave it to God, fate, kismet, karma, the winds of fate and circumstance (whatever) to decide. I’ve long maintained my independence– I don’t NEED to be in a relationship and I don’t NEED a man in a “co-dependent” sense; I need and want a PARTNER and someone to kill an odd spider, open a tightly closed jar– not another kid (and frankly this scares the be-Jesus out of most men).

    Moving forward, I’d like to focus on me and loving myself for a change– which I’ve never afforded myself the time or the luxury to do (as a mother you’ll appreciate that). I “love” others better than I love myself. We all deserve to be loved– we say these words– but do we walk the talk? Honestly I know that I haven’t and I want to change that. I don’t know “how” in a sense (and I’m okay with that too) but I’ll get there if I need to get there– or maybe it’s one of those things like who assassinated JFK– I may never know– and I’m okay with that too in a way.

    I do know this: I don’t want to be in a relationship until I can love myself better than I do now and until I *KNOW* that I’m “worthy” to be loved and treated in the way that I need to be loved and treated; fundamentally I think this is what it comes down to for most of us.

    I know that with all of the cliches that exist, there is an element of truth in each… so yes, I believe that “everything does happen for a reason” and you also have to give the control up to God (or whomever) to have faith in yourself and in Him to get you through the rough parts and to trust that the journey and the path you’re on is the right one even if you’re at a loss to explain “Why? or “WTF?!?!” It’s all so easy to say but so hard to do.

  • Kristine

    Kelly,
    Its good thing you don’t comment often. Your words had me in tears. I wanna write more later. right now I’m getting ready to leave. ill respond later. thank you for leaving a comment it means the world to me.