Random and Odd

MY So-Called Life…

I’m ending this year of my blog with a lot of things I have learned.
This is something that I have heard a million times in many ways, shapes and forms.
“Life is short.” “You only get one life.” “Tomorrow is never promised.”

Today I was in the kitchen all of the day. I made shredded pork enchiladas. The shredded pork was from dinner the night before.  After I was finished I made chocolate chip cookies, mini cupcakes and a cheesecake.  Each new creation made me smile more than the last.   At some point in my Betty Crocker frenzy I spilled flour all down the front of me and the counter. I grabbed a sponge and began cleaning up the cupboards.  Then it hit me…
This was my life today. Mine.  The fire was burning in the living room. The Christmas lights were on…and this was my life.

When Dan and I split up I remember thinking, “the best years of my life are over.”
When Shaun left, I thought, “I just wasted 8 years of my life.”

Somewhere in the middle of this year I realized that the best years of my life haven’t even happened yet.  The eight years of my life were not wasted. I lived those years.   I laughed. I created. I loved. I received love. I made mistakes. I might right choices. I made friends. I lost friends. I learned. I forgot. I relearned. I watched my daughters grow. I got the love of two of the most amazing step-children. I was a step-step grandma for a short time. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was scared. I fought. I cried. I lived.

There is a new path in front of me. Every single day is different from the last day. I’m 37 years old. Next year I will be 38. I will never be 37 again…that year is behind me. I can’t go back and change it.  So today while frosting cupcakes, listening to football in the living room and staring off into space I started thinking.  Tomorrow isn’t promised. I may not make it to my destination, be that work or home.  I promised myself to not think about the things I can’t control.  I promised myself to not care that I am not everything  I had hoped to be today.
Today I am just a 37 year old woman in my kitchen making a bomb ass cheese cake. Later in the day I am going to be that same woman on my couch in front of my fire laughing about something stupid I just read. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will be that same woman trying to figure out what new thing I can create, with my children frosting the left over cupcakes listening to overplayed music on Kara’s favorite station.

2010 isn’t promised to be any better than 2009 was.  Many things will change in my life. I will jump out of plane many times. I will spend my spare weekends at a drop zone. I will travel to new places. I will learn how to co-exist with someone new in my life. I will try not to kill this person with my endless questions or frustrate this person with my endless need to do something new or exciting (or as he calls it, ‘dangerous’).  I will bring the girls to many new places like my dad for me. I will be a mother like mine was.  I will be a better sister.  I will be a better sister-in-law. I will visit my dad more. I will cuddle with my mom more. I will remember to call my sister back.  I will make sure that my daughters know that there is NO ONE in this world more important than their family.

I will not trust my instincts. I will call my sister and just ask her what to do. I will love again. I will let others love me…even though I think it’s a stupid mistake and they are totally retarded for doing so.  I won’t get frustrated with them when they get frustrated with me for saying that.

I’ve said it before, I will keep saying it. This is MY LIFE.  I will make the choices that make me happy. When I am happy, those that truly love me, are happy too.

I will jump out of planes. I will love who I want. I will keep my children close and let them know that I love them more than anything. I will ski down a hill. I will continue to laugh. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to learn from them.

So tonight, I sit on the couch and share left over enchiladas, try to convince a non-believer the awesomeness of Chuck and enjoy the life that is mine…and not worry about the life that is yours.  That life is yours to live. You get to choose to do the things that make you happy…or unhappy.

Goodbye 2009,