Random and Odd

Crossroads

I’m being told by the higher powers that I need to write one of those heart wrenching posts. I don’t really know if I have it in me, but since she wants to hear depressing…let’s talk about my first marriage. JUST KIDDING!

Believe it or not, that book I said I was working on, is something still in the making. It’s HARD writing a book! No one told me it would be hard.  I already have the front cover designed though. Imagine with me if you will; Test Crash Dummy car and wall with the bullseye. The picture will be taken from the back seat and in the front will be one of the crash test dummies in a wedding gown.  Title, “You could learn a lot from this Dummy.”  What do you think? too much?

Here is a small portion of a life long book I am writing:

Many years ago I met this woman that was happily married to her best friend. She said to me one day that she would never fully trust a man. I thought that was absolutely the craziest thing I had ever heard, because her husband was the most devoted married man on the planet.  She told me, “You can never trust someone 100%.”
I thought she might have had one to many shots of whiskey when she said it, so I brushed it off as drunken talk.
During our friendship she would repeat this and I always tried to tell her, “Are you serious? Your husband is madly in love with you!”  Everything about their marriage screamed success.
She would just smile and say, “I know. I just don’t trust 100%”.
I wish I could go up to her now and kiss her on the mouth and say, “I WAS SO WRONG! TEACH ME!”
I believed I could trust someone with every ounce of trust I had in me.  I had been in relationships where I didn’t trust someone. It was so obvious the game they were trying to pull. If anyone was an expert on seeing the game being played, it was me. Not only had I played the game, I also did some arm chair coaching.
Funny how when someone pulls something over on you so wickedly that it makes you stop cold in your tracks and you have to either applaud or burst into flames.
I found out what my response was when my boyfriend was playing a dangerous game with my trust.
Ice cold. I turned into a statue. It felt like hours before I could move my fingers and when I finally did move, I burst into flames.

This is just a very small part of the book, but it brings me back to the person I am now, after all these years of wearing flame retardant clothing.
You would think after that run through the flames of untrust that I would be smart enough to not even come close to the fire again, but I did and I continue to.
Being human is trusting people for years, telling them your secrets, letting them get to know who you really are, depending on that relationship and then getting hurt because of all of it.
My question is; is it worth it?
Of course it is. Right?
That is where I am in my life right now. I don’t know who to trust anymore.  Being forgiving to a fault and not liking it when people can’t get along has been my downfall in the past.

My therapist thinks it’s a good thing that I am finally allowing myself to cut people out of my life that are not healthy.  It’s sometimes sad seeing old pictures, watching videos and having those good memories of laughing and having a friend that knows you, has been there for you…but I guess what hurts worse is knowing all that time, that person didn’t really like the person you were.
I’m not one of those people that are really good at remembering why I was mad at someone, but I do remember the hurt and pain of certain words and that is what I have to remember when I am confronted with a situation where I have to make a choice.

I guess it’s okay not to trust 100%.  It just sounds so sad.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

13 Comments

  • Melanie a.k.a seahorse photography

    You know Kristine, I have been through this exact same thing a couple of times. I put my whole trust into someone and they ended up betraying me or causing me so much pain that I didn’t think I would ever get over it. Even recently, someone I’ve been friends with for 10 years, been best friends (or so I thought) with for the last 5 years just walked away from our friendship with no explanation. This is a person I told my very deepest, darkest secrets to and whom I trusted beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I’ve never really trusted too many people and I very rarely ever let anyone get close to me. Now? I just feel very hurt and betrayed and I know that I will never trust anyone again and I will never let anyone get that close to me again. You think you know someone and you think, “There’s no way this person is ever going to be out of my life and there’s no way this person would ever betray me because they love me.” Right? And then Bam! they do. And you’re left wondering WTGF??

    And yeah, it is sad when you feel there’s no one on the planet that you can trust 100% but for me, getting my heart broken hurts way worse. I think I’ll just take my chances being alone. If you don’t let people get close, they can’t hurt you.

    I wish you lived closer…we could have a drink or 12 :)

  • Monica

    You know I try and look at this whole topic differently. Call me naive and believe me I am so not a holy roller but my grandmother told me something years ago after my divorce. I was so devastated by my failed marriage and petrified of being a single mom of a 3 year old. She sat me down and said ” God puts people in your life for a reason, and he takes them out too”. “We are meant to learn something from every relationship through out our lives and whether that relationship is a hot minute or a lifetime when you learn what you where meant to learn from that person they go”. I have often reflected on some of the people who have come and gone from my life, some I miss dearly and some I wish I never met, but she was right all of them taught me something about myself, or life. My mother use to curse my ex husbands every breath and she use to say don’t you wish you never met him and I would say “No mom because I would never have had my Kyle” I have tried to take all the lessons I have learned from people in my life and carry them forward into my next relationships whether that be with my family, friends or next potential partner, I try not to repeat the same mistakes and just live life to the best of my ability. Every single experience in my life has made me who I am today and I like me so I guess they where all things I had to go through.

    I must say I do agree with your friend though, I was on my own at the very early age of 16 and I have never trusted anyone 100%. I have always just depended on me because I couldn’t bring myself to trust anyone that much and have them disappoint me. A few of my girlfriends use to disagree with my theory but it has always worked for me. If someone surprised me and was there for me that was a blessing and if they didn’t turn out to be what I had hope it was fine because I never believed they would be, so it didn’t bother me. I never gave anyone enough power to stop my show, and as they say the show must go on!

    You are going to be ok, just remember “Breath”, you will get through this with a couple more bumps and bruises to add to your collection.
    “I am a firm believe what comes around goes around and people will get theirs and we do not have to do a thing, Karma is a bitch sweetie……;0) ”

    Loves coming from CT,
    Monica

  • superchick

    I would venture to guess that many of us feel very similar to the emotions you write about.

    Because of the crap I have gone though, my trust is nearly impossible to earn. It is the price we pay…

  • Christina

    Hey kiddo! I am pretty excited about your book, I think it is great that you are writing it. You have known me for over 20 years (sick huh!), you know I pretty much trust no one! There are very few that my full heart has been given to. I do agree that God does bring people into our lives for a reason and he takes them away just as fast. What those reasons are, only God knows. As long as you/we learn the leason that is trying to be tought, all is well. I do believe that trust is an issue that most, if not all, of us deal with. You are not alone here! Just remember that! Love you Kiddo!

  • JoeInVegas

    That’s life. I think you should trust people, but be prepared for how you will react when they change. It’s more in your reaction than in who they are, as long as you recognize what’s going on and learn to handle things.

  • mrtl

    “Healthy dose of skepticism” is how I’ve heard this described.

    Doesn’t it suck when those faces from the past keep popping up in the “People You May Know” on Facebook? I almost shit my pants when one did for me. Now I’m used to it, but still have to make it go away.

  • shelli-b

    “My therapist thinks it’s a good thing that I am finally allowing myself to cut people out of my life that are not healthy. It’s sometimes sad seeing old pictures, watching videos and having those good memories of laughing and having a friend that knows you, has been there for you…but I guess what hurts worse is knowing all that time, that person didn’t really like the person you were.”

    I’m just learning this myself…and MY therapist said the SAME.EXACT.THING. She says in order to trust others you have to learn to FULLY trust yourself (including your judgement of others) 100%. I try to have a positive outlook.

    It *is* sad…and it shouldn’t be that way.

  • sheryl

    It’s a tough one. I’m not even really sure how I feel about it. Twenty years ago I thought it was black and white. All trust or none.

    I lost my best friend two years ago (to a huge public dramatic betrayal) and it was one of the biggest hurts I’ve ever had in my life. But I realize now that she was never able to communicate her feelings or resolve conflicts with others. She and I never had the same values.

    People make mistakes. Sometimes people can hurt you just by being who they are.

    The lesson I learned was that I have to choose friends (the kind I can trust) differently. It’s not enough that they are good hearted people. It’s not enough that they are honest about positive happy fun feelings. They have to be able to talk about feelings in general honestly and respectfully. I don’t develop a deep level of trust in people anymore until I see them behave with a consistent pattern of kindness, respect and honesty, even in conflicts with me.

    I’m not expecting people I care about to never hurt me (or that I will never hurt them). No friend ever signed a contract promising that. I’m only expecting that if we have an issue, we’ll listen to one another and express our feelings and hopefully grow in the relationship.

  • Mary

    Trust is a wonderful thing……but not blind trust. We need to use the tools we have learned from our life experiences and trust to the degree that those experiences allow.

    I love you…….with all my heart…and thank you for the depressing post. It made my day. NOT